An update, please help, need so much advice here

[mistyme]

For those who remember me asking in here about visitation/custody ect when I was pregnant this is what is going on that I need help with now, for those who don't, or need to go back here is my link http://deltabravo.net/forum/index.php/topic,38441.0.html (http://deltabravo.net/forum/index.php/topic,38441.0.html)

I got so much great help but now I am stuck in a delema that I am not sure where to turn.

My son was born that March.  Father did not show up so that eased things a lot.  I didn't hear from him at all with his threats in getting a lawyer like I had said.  I did notify him at the time baby was born.  He did not show, i was in the hospital for 2 days.  Finally the day after i was home he had came to visit.  I had my parents home so I wasn't afraidto be a lone with him.  He didnt really do much but stare at the baby and act happy.  THings seemed to be ok.  He wanted to take me out with the baby to chickie cheese so we did.  We talked calm and rationally so i suppose things went ok for a month. 

Now that i filed for child support, he has thrown his hands in the air and is now back to calling me names, ect but does this over the phone.  I had gotten a recorder but when he called and the whole time we were talking on the phone, i was looking for the tape to record it all on but I couldn't find it.  I had gone down to the Family Justice Center here in texas and tried to file a PO.  Since it was all hearsay and I didn't press charges when he hit me in sept, they couldn't do anything but said I still had time to file under 2 years. 

He wants to take the baby away again, he's back to his threats.  He's NOT on the b/c so i know he can't just up and take him.  He said that in CS medication him and his laywer (which he said he is bringing) is going to request DNA (which is fine with me if that's how he feels).  He also says his lawyer can tear me apart during mediation.  I'm going to file an affidavit with the attorney generals office due to the history of family violence.  I dont' want my son staying with adam till he is OVER the age of 3.  I'm worried about visits because of the violence, I don't know what to do.

Today I finally made an assult report with the police.  I'm going to sign the affidavit with child support but if he has his lawyer, what will happen?  I can't afford a lawyer.  I Tried to apply for legal aid but since i live under my moms roof they go by her income and well, now i don't qualify.  SO im scared, i don't know what to do.  I'm scared of my sons dad that he will either 1. hurt me again 2. take my son away in court because i am defense less 3. continue to call me all kinds of names if no assult charges are pressed because i reported too long. ? Plus we were civil for a little while after the pregnancy.

help!

[ocean]

Did he file for custody and parenting plan?

If it is just child support now...leave it alone. If you are given a child support order, you are primary parent which WILL happen.
Going to take time to do paternity.

Let all phone calls go to voicemail and tell him everything will be by email now. (especially since he is not getting child alone yet).

He is digesting it all....at first he thought you two were working it out but then when he got served he is angry. You can try one email stating that you are willing to work with him until paternity/court but it must remain civil. If he starts in, then cut it off until court.

If he filed for parenting plan...go into court with a schedule you can live with (and some room for negotiating). His lawyer will try and negotiate with you. Do not sign anything you do not feel comfortable with. You can always go to the judge.

You can not really say "well I do not want child there until 3"...say "I would like a step up plan with added time until child is 3". You can add a sentence that father has to show up for all visitation to get to the next step.

You can call his lawyer and ask for a list of what he wants...then you can go from there. Mediation usually tries to get you to agree to certain parts of the parenting plan and the rest you will go to a judge to decide.

Child support should cover health insurance, out of pocket copays, dental, daycare costs, activities (this document will be used for the next 18 years)
Parenting plan should have holidays, summer visits, dates times, how pick ups will go...

[mistyme]

No he didn't file for a parenting plan, this is all just child support through the AG that I started.  He is bringing his lawyer to so he can get his way in mediation or court, which ever it comes to because I filed for asult against him today.

this is what i already have mapped out:   
I have sole custody of ____.  Dad's visitation would be sched tues and thursdays every single week from 6 pm-8 pm. Visitations are supervised for the first 30 visits, than away with dad for those 2 hours on tues and thursdays. Visits will also take place every OTHER weekend. Sched. for every other weekend would be saturday from 3pm -6pm and on sunday from 8am-6pm. Supervised visits must be completed before the weekend visits take place.  No over nights with dad till Tyler is 3 yro according to texas child custody law, than will switch to standard visitation sched once ____ is 3 years old.

I have all this mapped out around his work times.  He works 13 days, than off one day, than 13 days, off one day ... repeat ... He has off every other sunday and gets off at 2pm on saturdays. I just don't know what to do, or how safe I feel with this now.  My son has been alive for 52 days, he has only seen him 5 times.  He makes lame excuses though right now he had eye surgery and is having complications so, I guess he has reason.  But he called me white trash which is why he doesn't want my son to have my last name so he is going to fight for that. He wants his son to have a Mexican last name.  Also he said what he wants really is to 1. be on the b/c and 2. for my son to have his last name and 3. to have visits which i told him DUH you don't NEED a lawyer for that.  The AG does it all.  But like I said he is going to request an actual DNA test which is fine by me because it just makes the process take like an aditional few months.  His loss.   Im just scared to call his lawyers office.  I just don't want him to know I'm calling.  I'm so scared of him, i dont know what to do. I hope something comes out of this assult report.

Also is it true they can force you to bring the child to the fathers house for visitation days? He told me that when it's his time to visit with his son, I will have to bring my son to him on all those days at that exact time and then pick him up. IS that right? that's not right, nor fair.  It's his dad's visiting days HE should have to come pick up his son, PLUS he lives over 30 minutes away!!!!

[Kitty C.]

I modified your post to take out the tags, if you don't mind....

You have NO court order, so NOTHING is a given.  Either one of you can ask for anything during the custody process in court, but in the end it is what is negotiated and the judge signs on that has to be followed.  Remember, just because he threatens and 'says' he is going to do this or that or get this or that doesn't mean he will.  As for transportation, it's whatever can be negotiated in court and the judge agrees to.

Understand that name-calling is only a diversionary tactic to keep you off balance.  As long as you react to it, he will have an emotional hold over you.  As soon as you realize that it is nothing more than an immature attempt to control you and ignore it, it won't have the hold on you that it has now.  And until you are able to do that, he will continue to have that control and power over you.........don't give him the satisfaction!

[mistyme]

Thank You kitty C

[gemini3]

It's an immature attempt to have some control over a situation that he really has no control over.  If you recognize that you might be able to better deal with all of this.  But you just because you have control of the child does not mean that you should use that to manipulate or try to control him either.  It seems that you're pretty much dictating what's going to happen - and I can see why that might be upsetting to him.  Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot?  You have to remember that it's his child too.  Emotions are strong on both sides.

I believe that getting a DNA test is the right thing to do - for you, for him, and for the child.  You know whether or not he was the only person you were with, but there's no way for him to know that 100%.  You have to understand that assuming paternity comes with some major legal implications for fathers, and I think it's right for him to ask for a DNA test.  I would, and have, counseled other unmarried fathers to do the same thing.  Don't take it as an insult.  Both parties have to look out for each other.

There is very little leeway when it comes to CS - so there's really not a heck of a lot his lawyer can do.  It's based on very specific state statutes.  So just ignore his threats of what his lawyer is going to do.  It will be a cut and dry case.

I'm not sure why you don't want him on the birth certificate.  If he's the child's father, doesn't he have a right to?  To me, this is a red flag.

Regarding transportation, it depends on the judge.  Most judges will say that the person starting their parenting time is responsible for getting the child.  That means he picks the child up at your house at the start of his parenting time, and you pick the child up at his house when his parenting time ends.  I personally find this to be the best way - cuts down on lateness and that sort of thing. 

I just wanted to put it out there that, a lot of the time, people who aren't the best boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife are still very good parents.  Just because things didn't go so well between you and your ex doesn't mean that he won't be a good parent to your son.  And all children have an innate need to know both of their parents.  It sounds like your ex definitely has some growing up to do.  He would benefit from parenting classes and anger management classes.  You both might benefit from having a co-parenting counselor help you work through your differences.

Try to keep the focus on your son, and what's best for him. 

[mistyme]

@gemini ... I don't care if he's on the b/c, i really don't and even if I did care, i have no choice.  If i didn't want him to have rights, i wouldn't of filled for child support.

Yes i know he will get rights but I don't want him having his last name for family historical reasons, not just to stick it to him.  There is no one else to carry on the tribal name in my family and it's my families wishes that his name stay mine.

He chose not to come to the hospital to sign the b/c so as far as what he's all upset about, that's his issue.  I understand him wanting DNA, that's fine.  What I am getting at is he how ugly he's being about it.  Why can't he just say "I would like to do DNA, just to be 100%" ... ok fine! but to say that I'm a slut and that's why he wants DNA? That's a little over board there.  I know he's angry but he needs to realize I am the mother of his son.  I didn't do anything wrong to him, i haven't withheld his child, nothing.  He needs to treat me with respect, at least that's what I believe but he never has.  It's always been verbal, mental abuse and once physical and because of all this, whether he chooses to be a good parent or not, I have to protect my son until I can see that, which means I don't want my son staying over night until he can speak for himself and if anything is happening to him, daddy hurts him, he can tell me.  Not saying I don't want the father to have visits, no.  Just no over nights until the age of 3.  The father has also chosen not to come around either so that's also his issue not mine.  Like i said, no matter how much he has hurt me, i've never with held his child.  He's made all the ugly choices, he's doing the name calling acting like an immature child. I want to be civil but he is making that next to impossible because he's offended that I left him.  Gee I wonder why?  I didn't want to stay around and get beaten again.

[ocean]

Family court does not make any sense so we are trying to let you know that some of things you are saying will not go well for you.

I understand that he was abusive to you BUT he will say you filed the abuse charge AFTER he asked you for name change/custody of child. You waited a long time to file. Not that you were wrong just how his lawyer is going to turn things on you.

Child support court is separate. So that will just deal with his salary verse yours. He will postpone it for the dna test but you can ask that it be retro to date of birth or filing so he will owe you the money when it is proven he is the father.

Visitation- What you are offering is fine and reasonable, BUT you can not say the reason you do not want overnights is in case he abuses son he can not talk. An infant should be with both parents every few days so that is what you are offering. Let the criminal case play out and wait for him to even file for parenting time. If he chooses to contact you regarding visitation, have it supervised for now in a public place. Do not offer anything to him right now. Really you should not be having any contact and the DA may even go get a restraining order against him since it is domestic violence. You will need one way to communicate about child so maybe you can say email and no phone calls/house until a court order has been set.