do I take action?

[allforher]

Hello   I am currently in a sticky situation with my daughters father.  Let me give a brief history.  We were never married, barely had a relationship and had a child together.  When she was born he was not involved, I was asked to have him sign over his rights by his family due to his Bipolar Disorder.  I declined due to my overwhelming desire for my child to know her father since I did not know mine(due to mental illness), can you believe that!  What are the odds?  Anyway, I got no child support or financial help for about 18 months, he was in and out of our lives. Although, our child had regular visitation at his mothers home, where she was mostly in charge and he came and went.  We tried to have a relationship again when our daughter was about 6 months old, that lasted 3 months or less before it ended dramatically with the cops being called to the home.  I moved to another city for training/work purposes and he still did not help.  I pursued CS in court and agreed to joint custody due to a threat made by him to use his mothers money in court to battle me. 

Finally, he went to prison I got remarried and moved out of state.  She visited his parents regularly until she began school, then it went to summer and holidays/breaks.  WE now live back in the same state.

Our visitation schedule is verbal, it started with his time being Thurs. to Sun. every week.  I stopped CS collection to be nice since we almost shared time evenly.  I eventually asked for pick up on Sunday mornings because we had no weekend time with her and we went to church.  The first summer we spent here I was pushed an persuaded to enter into a week on week off schedule, mind you after a summer of fighting and rediculous behavior between us both.  Not gonna just blame him here.  Anyway, I declined and didn't think it would be in her best interest because of the unstable relationship between me and her dad.  I have been verbally abused by him on the phone and through email since we have moved here.  I do not attack him or the things he does in his own life but he does attack me.  For example, he quit his job or got fired, and lost our daughters insurance, he never told me.  I found out through our child.  He moved in a strange man to help him out and never told me, never gave me his name, nothing.  I never said a word to him at the time.  So, we tried therapy...it failed.  I am still being verbally abused and he is discussing issues and things with out daughter.  he makes sure she knows his discontent with me.  I am currently in my own therapy to try and deal with him 
What do I do?  Oh and stupid me finally after being beaten down agreed to try week on week off.. what a nightmare!  I can't even fart without him up my butt! Seriously!
I want to stop the week on week off so it goes back to a primary caretaker type role for me.  I still want our daughter to spend time with him but I don't believe this schedule is in her best interest.  Maybe if there was assemblance of civilness but there isn't.  I truly believe his mental condition aids in the failing of our coparenting.  I just don't want to hurt our daughter and I want them to spend time together.  I just don't think he and I can have joint custody anymore, uggg what to do!  Sorry, not so brief huh?

[tigger]

How old is your daughter and how does she feel about the time spent with dad?

[allforher]

well, she is very unhappy right now with the amount of time even thought its week on week off.  He got a new job and its very time consuming, especially on the weekends.  She is 10 btw.  He wasn't an active parent till she was 5, then just in 2009 he began to be able to provide for her.

[allforher]

Oh, she likes spending "time" with her Dad no question there, but she's now in therapy, etc.  She's had behavior issues, etc.  Thats something we never had an issue with prior to coming to the same state again.

[bloom6372]

Oh, she likes spending "time" with her Dad no question there, but she's now in therapy, etc.  She's had behavior issues, etc.  Thats something we never had an issue with prior to coming to the same state again.

A lot of children with two homes have trouble adjusting, and with her schedule with you all changing recently (to a few days every week, then every other week), it's bound to cause some frustration and throw her off...How long has she been in therapy? My SD has been dealing with issues for years (BM won't let her into therapy, though), because of her schedule always changing (BM likes to deny DH time with SD)...It's only been 2 years since she got a set schedule, and it's been hard on her still.

As for the father, EMAIL ONLY. Keep PROOF of his verbal abuse.

Is there anything in the current CO about not talking to her about adult situations?

Make a list of all of the changes and additions you'd like made to your current CO. That will help you to create a proposed parenting plan if/when you file with the Courts.

[sillystring]

So how is the week on/week off not good for HER? All I see in your responses is why it's not good for YOU. Unfortunately, most court officials do not care what is or isn't good for you.

I know exactly how you feel since my husband has 50/50 custody with an uncooperative ex. She always thinks he is trying to control her when he is only trying to co-parent with her. Even though the GAL (guardian ad litem/custody evaluator) in our case saw firsthand that his ex is unwilling to follow a CO, or co-parent, she still felt it was in DSD's best interest to continue with the week on/week off schedule.

So instead of changing the schedule, the GAL instead recommended adding specifics to our CO to help make things easier on my DH since his ex has been so difficult. Since certain items in our CO are very clear-cut now, it will make it easy for us to file contempt against my DH's ex in the future should she continue to be difficult. For example, his ex refused to communicate with him regarding doctor's appointments and other health issues. Our CO now specifically says that both parents are to inform the other parent before taking the child to the doctor. We also having a clause in there saying all phone calls must be returned by the end of the day since his ex wouldn't let him speak to his daughter during 'her time'.

It would probably be in your best interest to get an updated, more detailed CO written up.

[allforher]

I agree about the updated CO.  Yes, I did state how "bad" it is for me, however, I did also mention later in a response to someone that our daughter has had behavioral issues.  She has become violent and disrespectful, disobedient, etc.  So, I do believe the unstable relationship with her father and I is causing some issues with our child.  I do believe that not having a primary residence has been hard for her to adjus to.

I thought by being liberal it would keep things between her father and I civil but it isn't.  I have essentially gone from Thurs to Sun morning visitation to week on week off, because he said it was best, despite the fact we don't get along.  Our daughter has outbursts when her father and I have issues, its usually at my house and towards her siblings.  I just don't know how to keep things stable and keep things civil other than not communicating with him.  This kind of schedule sort of requires lots of  communication.

My concern is that what's going on will never end and when our daughter is a teen her reactions to things will be more severe.

[allforher]

Ok, so I attempted to defuse the situation with my ex.  Unfortunately, even after an apology from me for anything I may have done to upset him, his response was even more angry and he continued his verbal assaults.

Our daughter came home from her week with him again talking about how he and I can't along and why does her life have to be so complicated while her brothers and sisters don't have the same problem.  I did my best to reassure her that I would keep trying and that I was sure her father would too; even though he is clearly unwilling at this point.  She went on to say that even her step mother needs to learn to be nice and has spoken to her about "things"..not sure what "things" are.

I am so concerned, I know her father is unmedicated at this point, he believes he can take his bipolar meds "as needed"  This is so scary to me.  Whether the problems are in our childs face she obviously knows when we do not get along, despite my trying to cover it up.

Help!

[sillystring]

It sounds like the visitation agreement isn't the issue causing your dd's behavior - it's the fact that your ex is talking negatively about you. I would discuss this with the therapist and see if maybe the therapist could have a talk with your ex about how this is hurting your dd emotionally. Maybe he will listen more with it coming from a third party. If not though, there's not a lot you can do about it unless you have a clause in the CO saying the parents are not to talk bad about the other parent in front of the child.

So again, my advice would be to go to court to get a better CO.

Has he actually been diagnosed as bipolar? If not then I would request for a psych evaluation to be done on him. If it comes back that he is bipolar, I would ask the judge to put a stipulation in there that he has to be following the doctor's orders for medication in order to be able to take his visitation.

Have you tried talking with the stepmother? Maybe it would be easier if you dealt with her (if she is willing to do that). I know it's not ideal, but if the father is so unreasonable, it may be a good alternative.

[allforher]

I agree, after a lot of thought this past week, I do realize that no matter when my daughter is with her father he still has the opportunity to be negative.  So, for now I don't want to change things for her again in regards to visitation.

I have spoken with the therapist and she would like to help out.  Yes, he has been diagnosed Bipolar, although I am not entirely sure if pushing the issue is wise.  i will never know if he is on his meds regularly and a CO will not make it happen either.

His wife was at one time able to talk to with me.  However, after she had left him for a few days, she told me many things only to retract her worries the day she went back. She herself was worried about his mental stability and said he was not on his meds as he should be, but then the next day called and told me she thought he was a big boy and could handle himself fine.  It was very nerve racking so I choose not to speak to her at all.

I guess all I am going to do at this point is continue to work on my end of things to make the relationship better and to make sure my daughter is stable.  Once court comes I will address the uncivil nature of our relationship and go from there.  Afterall, my daughter is the most important thing here and until she feels like she doesn't want to be with her dad as much then it will stay as so.

Thanks a bunch