No visitation agreement, and kids do not want to see dad :(

[handsintheair]

Hi i am very new to the forum. I definitely need some advice.
I have been divorced from the kids father for 10 years now, we have 2 boys a 15 year old and a 17 year old. Our 17 year old goes to highschool in northern louisiana at a gifted school, and our youngest is with me.  Their father and I do not have a visitation agreemennt but we have joint custody, (and i am domiciliary parent) we have always been flexible with visitation, the kids would go to his house every other weekend and on wednsdays but he moved and that stopped, and we work out the holidays, and special events and what not.
Well the kids father is on his 3rd marriage (not that there is anything wrong with that), and well my children do not like the new wife and the wifes' family at all, the kids tell me that they are always being put down by new wifes family, yet i have made them go to see there father on numerous occasions, whether they liked it or not. Their fathers 2nd wife omg the kids loved her and when they got divorced it devestated them .
Our oldest son who comes home 1 weekend a month,( i have an arrangement with another family his room mates parents, and they go get him and i bring the boys back to school)he never wants to see his father on the 1 weekend a month he comes home (he does go on holidays, fathers day and other occassions) he calls his father and tells his father that he isn't coming because he has been away at school and wants to spend time with friends and girlfriend, and his father is always angry but agrees.  Our younger son is getting frustrated because their father spends absolutely no time with them, from the time he gets to their house, his father is out playing at concerts or practicing for concerts, and on sundays they are in church all day (not that there is anything wrong with that), and i mean from 10 am to 6 pm at night because his father plays music for the church as well, so needless to say their father spends no quality time with them.
Ok, so when their SM family has get togethers the kids do not know anything about them until the last minute, and again they do not want to spend any time with her family, now if their fathers family gets together, they are beating each other up trying to get out the door to spend time with them.
I have always pushed for them to go to their fathers house, telling them its not fair and his your father and he loves you very much, and i am always trying to co-ordinate things with their grandparents, like having them in the summer or any other time they have and extended period of at school, and when they want them on weekends i am good with that too, (there dad gets frustrated too when they went to go to his parents house instead of his).
Anyways, my husband and i have a get together every year at easter, (we have been married for 7 years)i have never had my kids at easter for the past 7 years, i have never batted an eye, never complained. Well the kids wanted to stay with me for easter this year, (on a weekend that the kids are suppose to see dad), they called their dad and told them this as well. Well, he called and said they were having a get together as well. The kids still told their father they dont' want to go they want to stay home.
Their father told me that since is its on the weekend the kids were to come see him, that he gets them for easter..soooo does that mean on christmas when it falls on  my weekend the kids stay with me? really? i would never do that. So, he tells me that since i will NOT ALLOW my kids to come see him (and he only does this when her family has a get together any other time its ok), that the weekend of mothers day (which he usually has them that weekend anyways and i have never ever complained, i just get the kids that sat evening or sunday morning) that he is getting the kids.
Am i doing something wrong? ever since he has gotten married to this wife he only cares when it involves her family.
HELLPP
i have never ever ever stopped my kids from seeing their father, i would never do that, i have never talked down about him or anything. i have always encouraged the relationship, tried to get the kids and their father to talk about their problems, but nothing ever works . He screams at them when they talk about how they feel. Are they old enough to decided whether or not they want to go with their dad? since there is no court agreement?

help

frustrated in louisiana.

[ocean]

Legally- you do not have an order so you will not get in trouble and with their ages...there opinion would he heard in court.

At this point, ex can not make you send them. They are getting to the age to start having a relationship without you. Try to encourage them to make plans ahead of time to see dad. The 17 year old has a few more months before he is an adult anyway and it will be up to him totally to have a relationship. Offer to the grandparents to let you know if there is any family gatherings and you will encourage the boys to go but they are having issues with SM.

[handsintheair]

I always always keep in contact with their grand parents (the love me), and i encourage the boys to go see them all the time
And when they call and want to do things with the kids..hey no problem.

And, I have encouraged the boys, call their father and spend time with him. But since the new wife, and playing in this band, and him teaching at night, they have totally shut down, and i have talked to the boys about it and i have talked to their father and his parents about it and it gets no where. He will start screaming at me telling me I am stupid, when i try to explain that the kids love him very much, and want to spend time with him, but he doesn't put forth the effort, unless he is "showing" off.

[ocean]

You can only do so much...deal with Easter now... if they called him and he knows...leave it alone. Then next month see what they want to do. Maybe trade it for a week in summer that way he wont be at church all weekend? Maybe call grandparents and see if they can plan for a week now in the summer so you can have them scheduled....
If not, you tried, and he has to deal with them. They are old enough...(if you think the 15 can handle it). If ex starts getting verbal abusive, just hang up and tell him you will only respond to emails from him. Then answer the ones that need answering.

15 is a hard age. Dealing with girls this age now...not pretty! LOL They want their friends over family. See if the boys will commit to a week or two at dad's for summer. If not, they will have to tell their dad, especially the 17 year old.

[handsintheair]

thank you so much, i am just at my witts end..lol..and yes i see the changes in my youngest..lol..the 6 girls that call every day and all the friends that call, i just told him that the weekend of mothers day he is going to his dads and its ok, and i said maybe the weekend before if he wants we can do something, and he gave me that look, his best friends party is that weekend..lol!! go figure!! just as long as i get a text..lol!!!!!