Dad will not communicate with Daughter..

[tigger]

My then husband's paramour had issues with the truth.  Her then husband clued me in that she tended to call places pretending to still be "married in good standing" rather than estranged in an attempt to get information.  I immediately put passwords on every possible account I could.  As things progressed and divorces were finalized, I realized that I was getting letters that either weren't signed by ex or had an electronic signature.  (A "picture" of his signature "pasted" onto the document before printing.)  I wrote my ex a letter and told him that in order to maintain the integrity of our communications, I would no longer accept any written communication that did not contain his original signature.  That excluded email automatically.  I also refused to communicate with his wife/former paramour because as I had discovered through her ex and his new wife, she didn't always accurately relay the facts of a situation.  My ex and I get along fine as long as it's just the two of us.  If she has to be included for any reason, he gets defensive and acts like I'm attacking her when it has nothing to do with her at all.  Through the years, I would get what I call "nastygrams" that were supposedly from my ex but without signature.  I ignored them . . . repeatedly . . . . until I had finally had enough (August 2005, 9 years after the separation, 7.5 after the divorce.)  I copied it and sent it back with a letter reminding him that I would not accept such letters.  If he wanted to sign it and send it back, I'd respond to each "grievance", otherwise in the interest of getting along, I would ignore it as I had done with the others over the years.  I sent it via USPS with whatever it was that requires the addressee to sign for it (and not just any adult).  He didn't respond but I never got another one . . . and his wife was glaring at me for months.

[daisygirl0825]

Firstlove -- You are correct that there is a history between the adults.  Dad had affair with new wife, 9 years ago, and when I initiated the divorce it all became my fault.  For the last 9 years it has been about me trying to get him back as I am jealous, yes this is in writing.  Once the divorce proceedings started, it got ugly fast with Dad ending up in jail for beating on windows at 2:00 am and protective orders had to be put in place.  Unfortunately Dad came to the house with a gun, said he was going to kill himself, ended up in an institution and has blamed me for everything since.  I had a run in with his new wife because she felt she should be the supervisor of the visitations until daughter was four, she was 2 when this happened.  I said no because I did not know her, just that they were married 6 months after the final divorce. 

Since daughter turned four, approx 7 yrs ago, it has all been in writing with ex's stamped signature.  When I have been face to face with ex, he says that she has the right to speak and act on his behalf and daughter and I just have to accept it.  Last time this came to a head daughter was 5 and he did not see her for 9 months.  After sending numerous letters begging him to have contact with his daughter he resumed on a convenient to him schedule.  Daughter would come home upset more often than not about stepmom not allowing them to do anything without her.  It has been sad.  I think maybe I personally was naive about this situation thinking that it would get better as daughter got older but it is just the opposite.  I myself am a total Daddy's girl and I wanted that for daughter, but it just is not happening.

Davy -- How do you get a GAL?   I do not know anyone who has had to hire one.  Do I need to go through the court first?  I want to keep daughter from getting hurt (emotionally) worse and am willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen.

[MixedBag]

the court appoints a GAL...

so during the next round, ask for one.

[ocean]

At this point you have two choices:
1. Let her stay with you and no more visits until he comes around, start living your life. If and when he comes around you will deal with it. Since he is changing his numbers and you have that in writing, you will not be in trouble. He is making this choice.

2. File papers against him and make him face this in court. Then you ask for a GAL to be assigned. This will drag on for some time and you will be spend the next year in court. It may get him to do something, especially with step-mother will not be allowed in court room (until she is called for a witness). Since he is always away, he can get it postponed. In a way, it gets him to face the music but at what cost? Only you can decide. The GAL would talk to your daughter and then talk to him and let him know what is going on. Then the GAL speaks in court on behalf of child and child's wishes and not either parent.

[Kitty C.]

'I myself am a total Daddy's girl and I wanted that for daughter, but it just is not happening.'

Daisy, trust me..........am there, doing that.  I will forever be a Daddy's Girl.  In a way, it may have been a good thing that I didn't have a girl of my own, because I would have absolutely wanted the same thing for her.

But we find out the hard way that we can't live vicariously through our children and, as hard as we try, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

You can't force him to do anything and if the ONLY way he will be involved is through SM (which exacerbates the whole process), then you may have to face the fact that this just isn't meant to be.  At some point, you have to ask yourself 'Is this causing her more harm than good?'  If just the process of trying to maintain a relationship between father and daughter is causing the child so much stress, it may be time to back off and ONLY respond to father if he initiates it (whether it's via SM or not).

And if there is no court action planned for the immediate future (thus no opportunity for a GAL), I'd be looking at counseling.  The poor girl needs to be able to talk to a professional about why her father is rejecting her.....

[daisygirl0825]

Kitty, thank you for the realization that this is not something he wants and I cannot make it happen.  I am glad to say that my Dad and daughter are so close they text each other everyday and she spends summer vacation with him playing board games and watching cartoons.  Daughter is already in counseling so she is handling this better than I am.  I think it is a parental thing that makes you wonder how the other parent cannot see the beauty in being a parent.

[msme]

Perhaps you could have DD start a journal for her dad. Suggest she write about everyday things that she would like to tell him about. Tell her that you will not read it unless she wants to share anything with you. Make counselor & GAL aware of it's existence & they may be able to get her to share it with them & get a better insight on what she is going through. If she goes to see him, she can decide if she wants to show him. Can't hurt & might help.
Good luck & God bless.