Sibling and Grandparents need help!

[Beantowngal]

This is long and convuluted...and I am a touch nuts.  Hope it makes sense.

My son who was custodial father to 2 children passed last July.  The children have different mothers.  Mother of #1 (age 14) not really in picture, she signed him over, we have custody.  Mother of #2 (age 10)...it's been difficult.  She has told me she doesn't care if we see him or not, her husband has physically threatened me because of the way i look at him.  She does not like child #1, so she does not care if the siblings spend any time together.  I have been screamed at for being to happy and too sad.  Nothing is right.  Dad has been custodial father since the older child was 3, the younger age 3 as well.  We have been much more than normal gparents.  We were my son's backup.  I've keep the children overnight all week while he worked, fed breakfast, and gotten them to school. picked them up after school, feed dinner, helped with homework, taken sick days when they were sick, etc.  I've been to more school programs than mom (she always knew about them), I've taken party treats and supplies to school, etc. 

Dad passes very suddenly.  While going through that hell, mom allowed us to have him every other weekend.  Both boys complain, they want to see each other more frequently, #2 never wants to go home.  We start seeing changes in his behavior.  He is more clingy, baby acting, both normal signs of grief.  I mentioned to mom #1 is in counseling, maybe #2 needs to go as well.  Things go downhill because I am telling her how to raise her child.  He is kept from us and his brother for 3 months.  During this time we start the fun and games through the legal system.  That is another bit of hell...learned mom has all the rights and children have none.  I would not be opposed to this if mom was concerned at all about what the child needs. We end up in mediation, we are allowed every other weekend, no holidays ever..we asked for Father's Day, mom will think about it, 2 weeks in the summer, mom will also think about allowing 1 extra overnight per week.  We also are ordered to get counseling.

Let me tell ya, this is not working at all.   Our regular weekends with #2 included Easter and Mother's Day weekends.  We had him both times and were asked to bring him home early.  We complied with everything asked of us.  Father's Day weekend is our regular weekend, all of the sudden, mom tells us we are going by the local rule, he is not allowed to come at all that weekend.  We are not given any makeup time.  July 1st is our regular weekend.  Once again he is not allowed to come because the it's 4th of July weekend.  The 4th was on Monday, he would have been back at his mom's.  We were allowed 1 overnight earlier that week.  She told me he had to be home for "Miley to come over"  I asked him if it was Miley Cyrus that came to his house...he does not know anyone by that name.  When I picked him up i mentioned we sould lime the middle of July for on of our summer weeks.  She said the end of July, I said no, middle.  Just got a text this a.m. we cannot have him for our week also he will miss the next regular weekend with us as he doesn't want to be here on the anniversary of his father's death.  We had not and had not planned discussing the anniversary, he and his brother picked out some items to make a stepping stone to take to the grave, and we probably would take balloons out to write notes to Dad on.  We had not brought any of this up, so she has done something.  At this point we have not had a regular weekend since the 1st of June, and 1 overnight since.
We did have a GAL........he acknowledges she is doing everything possible to alienate him, but she is not unfit so he will not do anything for us although he admits the boys need to be together and our home is a better atmosphere etc.  I wanted her to set the counseling up so I could not be blamed for anything.  She told me there was not where to go, so I did research and have my first appointment this week.  She has the info, donot know if she has appointment yet or not. 

I needed to vent....I am losing my mind.  Child #1 is a great kid (they both are), honor roll, varsity athlete, really good kid.  He is in pain from not only losing his father, but his brother.  This has to be affecting child #2 as well.

I couldn't find spell check, trying to look through the tears.  Sorry if I slaughtered a word.

Is there anything more i can do?  We are in Ohio is a very conservative thinking county.
Thanks for listening.

[ocean]

If she is not following the court order, you can file in family court "contempt of court" papers (basically saying she is not abiding by the court order). How far away are the kids?
In the contempt papers you can write "bio mother is not allowing court ordered visitation with grandparents and bio-sibling and has refused XX days since June 1st and mother just informed grandparents that she is not sending child for summer 2 week visit that is also court ordered. Grandparents seek court ordered counseling with this child and the counselor the grandparents are using for sibling as she knows the family dynamics and can help the two children cope with their fathers sudden death. Grandparents also seek more detailed visitation plan so there is no confusion including exact dates and times. (Can you do pick ups from school during school year so she has no say?). Also, grandparents request make-up time for XX missed days and that courts put in consequences against mother so this will not happen again including future lawyer fees if she is in contempt again."

Keep trying to get him on his court ordered dates, if you have exact dates now, GO. Send her a certified letter stating you are picking child up as court ordered. Do not change it. Just repeat that you will be picking child up. No arguments. Send email stating same thing, let phone go to voicemail then send her a text/email back stating it again "we will be following the court order, if you refuse to follow the court order, we will forced to go to court against you for contempt charges".

Contempt charges are like criminal charges in family court. It is taken seriously and they will tell her to go get a lawyer. BUT the they usually just redo the visitation plan and give her a slap on the hand but if she continues and you keep going to same judge, then the judge will get tired of her and can give harsher penalties.

[Beantowngal]

Thanks Ocean.  I have left several messages for our attorney.  Tomorrow I am going to insist on an appointment this week to follow up on the contempt.  The boys are in the same town, about a half hour apart.  On occasion she has allowed me to pick him up at school...i had to ask every time and I don't know how she decided when to allow it.

We've been (and are still going) through hell.  I hate drama, but think i'm in for plenty of it in the coming years.

Is there a spell check button?? 

[ocean]

If you spell a word wrong, a red line should go under it.
Many of us deal with high drama and learned some tricks.
Give her ONE phone number to contact (cell?) and change all other numbers.
Only respond to her craziness if there is a question that needs to be answered, and just answer that "yes, we will be there at 4:00"
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.....
and
Document everything...pain but until they are a little older, especially if she is not following order but do not give into her either, just repeat, you will be there a drop off, text/email to confirm, and ignore. Then go, if child is not there, call local police number and get them to write a report to show for court that you were there and child was not.

Lawyers are great to have but gets expensive, ask for lawyer fees in THIS contempt. Also, if you feel comfortable, the papers are free at the family court house (or office...ours is down the road from court house). You can file yourself, tell your story or hire lawyer for that day. NY is free to get papers and file. Some states charge a small fee to file.