disabled father unable to drive, mother won't assist with transportation for wee

[disabledfather]

Hello,

I am new to the forum but have spent hours and hours reading......  Recently I have been hit with a myriad of circumstances diminishing my relationship with my daughter and trying to minimize interference instigated by my ex. This recent Father's Day had me ready to implode and has left me feeling helpless. I just spent my first Father's Day without my daughter and I am trying to seek remedies so this never happens again. We have joint custody and I am the non-custodial parent who has visitation every other weekend.

The issue here is I had an injury at work and have been on disability ever since and recently just had to undergo a second back surgery that prevents me from being able to drive. Since the last surgery I have been dealing with chronic pain, chronic fatigue and under pain management. Transportation was ordered a joint responsibility in the divorce although before my injury I provided all the transportation (100 miles round trip) to reduce conflict and missed visitations for the first 3 years after divorce....(mother would promise to drop off daughter and then never show up using various routine of excuses.... car broke down, got called into work etc...) so to avoid these scenarios I just provided all transportation.

Since my surgery my ex has been providing transportation and I routinely giver her money for gas but I have missed numerous weekends with my daughter because my ex routinely comes up with excuses why she can not drive.... my only option is to ask her to take train which is 5 minutes from me and 5 minutes from her and a 45minute ride but ex refuses to have teenage daughter use train although she routinely takes the train and bus with me as well as flying by herself... I have no family in the state to assist me with transportation so I am at the mercy of ex.

Recently I have not been able to see my daughter normally, ex has given me numerous excuses for not being able to provide transportation and have only had her 1 weekend since Easter....  last week she left me a message that she wasn't driving my daughter to see me for Fathers Day weekend, if I wanted to see her I would have to pick her up, knowing full well I am unable to drive...  the same issues happened over the Holidays but ex finally relented after leading me to believe I wouldn't be seeing my daughter...  in the midst of this is the fact I feel my ex is using parental alienation.  Knowing I can't drive she constantly tells my daughter that I am too busy to provide transportation or that I have better things to do....( I rarely leave my home, June 1st being the last time this month.)  She is aware that because of my disability and being unable to go back to work I was going to have to contemplate seeking child support modification, last fall she convinced me to postpone that and she would assist with my daughters transportation.... things went well until the Holidays and she changed her tune..... my only recourse was to bring up seeking to modify child order, I had also been giving her even more extra money for gas... the next time she dropped my daughter off... my daughter laid on the couch and burst into tears...  I've never seen her cry out like that before and asked her what was wrong... she told me her mom told her " if your dad takes me to court we are going to have to move and you are going to have to change schools."   

Of course this is the last thing I want to happen and tried to explain this to her...  I was beside myself with anguish, when I confronted my ex about this she wouldn't reply or respond.  Since then I refrained from filing a petition in court although I am in dire financial trouble  since being out of work I have gone through my savings and had to withdraw my annuity..... everything is now depleted.  The final straw was last Wed my ex sent me a message telling me she was not going to drop my daughter off for Fathers Day, if I wanted to have her I would have to come and pick her up... knowing that I am physically unable to do so in another attempt to alienate me from my daughter.  I thought as Father Day approached she might re-consider but that never happened.... she ignored all my requests and phone calls all went unanswered and unreturned. I have spent days reading and researching on what I can do to fix this and tried to find legal aid to no avail... 




as another new member(aquanee) of the forum mentioned  "The internet, if referenced properly and due diligence is made to legitimize the information/source etc., is a tool that can carry some weight - but there is SO much to wade through...."   I have done so much research and reading lately to find a similar scenario like mine that I am confusing myself .

[ocean]

Does your daughter have a cell phone/facebook/email that you can stay in contact with her and not involve ex?

You will have to take this back to court. Child support and visitation are two separate things in family court but you can file both at the same time. You can get the paperwork at your family court (sometimes online) for free.

Child support modification papers to change child support- reason "father has become disabled and his income has drastically decreased"
Modification of visitation papers- "father has become disabled and can not longer do pick-ups. father has offered mother money for gas or train tickets. Mother made few trips but chooses when she will drive child. Father has missed XX weekends since XX date and recently he missed fathers day weekend.
Father requests that child take train or mother be court ordered to provide transportation and he will give her gas money.

Would a meeting place work, maybe a half hour from you? You can do that instead?

[tigger]

The daughter's going on the emotional turmoil the mother is feeding her and not on logic.  If all you want to do is decrease CS based on your current income level then that's logical and fair.  The mother changing it around to her having to move and change schools and then using the child to emotionally blackmail you into not going back to court is just going to result in her getting nothing because there will be nothing to give.  Somehow she's got the daughter believing that you have unlimited resources. 

Look at it as a business deal.  It makes reasonable, business sense to adjust based on your current, involuntary income.  If you two were still together, the amount available to support the child would decrease because of the injury. 

Same thing with the transportation arrangements.  You are no longer capable of driving and therefore, adjustments need to be made.  If she's not willing to make those adjustments herself by doing the right thing, you have no option but to have the judge order her to do so. 

Normally, I agree with Ocean's advice and I was right there with through her post until her last suggestion.  I fail to see the logic (perhaps I'm feeling more Spock-ish from Star Trek than tigger-ish today) in having you meet 30 minutes away if you can't drive.  That's an hour of driving.

[ocean]

I added that at the end as a compromise IF he was able to do it. If he is going to pick her up from the train station, he "can" drive. And ex will say he needs to drive in case of an emergency at his house. If he can do a half hour rather than the full trip, they both win a little.

[tigger]

Oh, see I was thinking a 5 minute drive from the train station could be handled by a cab, neighbor or bus.