On the verge of depression

[dak45]

So I am really hoping that this will be a nice way for me to let off frustration, and get advise or comfort in return. My husband of less than 6 months and I got back together after a 3 year break. Prior to this break we had been together for almost 4 years.

Together we have a child. During our break, he met and had a child with another woman. Their relationship, according to my husband was rocky from the start. And after more than one act of infidelity (on her part) he broke it off with her. At that point he was still living in the same town as his ex. He saw their child regularly....as in everyday! We got back together decided to give it another shot and decided to get married, as it is what we should have done many many years ago.

The ex, refused to allow "their" child to be in our wedding. Wouldn't allow the child to be at our wedding and has since made it extremly difficult to see said child. (I am trying to keep this as annoyomas as possible, so please do not take this as unloving I care about this child more than words can say!!) The mother is so confusing. One moment she wants her child and I have to have a super close relationship, even stating that she is fine with her child calling me mom! Then the next moment whe makes life difficult. I honestly think there is some major mental instability at play here and don't know how to make sure that it gets brought out at our upcoming custody battle. She doesn't want joint custody.

I have done a lot of reading on the laws in the state that this will play out in and according to the laws, that shouldn't be an issue as we WANT to be in this childs life! We have NEVER kept this child from the mother and encourage their relationship (quite the opposite of her actions). I know that this woman is extremely unstable, extremely vindictive and manipulative and I am scared to death for this little child. On our few visits that we have been able to have with them since our wedding, I have bathed them (it was needed so badly) and did their hair, which I swear is never done. I cleaned out their ears and gagged on the amount of dirt that was living in them. There also are a large amount of adult living in the mothers house. One of which is the new boyfriend that moved in weeks after they began seeing one another.

I LOVE being a mother. I take pride in my children (those that grew under my heart as well as those that grew only in it). And I want all of my children to be able to experience one another. They are siblings and should be able to have that bond. I feel as though she is faulting me for this feeling. I can't imagine being in her shoes. I am sure she is extremely regrettful of her past actions that brought about this massive turn of fate, but those were her actions. I feel as though she is punishing me for loving and wanting to be the best "mom" to her child that I can be. I can't be half a mom....I don't know how to be!

Everytime something new with her comes up; ie. we are meeting my husbands parents 1/2 way this weekend and wanted them to bring the little one so we could see them and they could spend some time with their sibling) and the mom refuses. We even argued that it is Father's day, doesn't matter. She says that Saturday is her b-day and she is keeping the child. (FYI, her fb page states a bday celebration happening Friday evening); I get this depressed feeling, like I am watching this little child being ripped from our lives. I see the pain on my husbands face. And I feel like she is blaming me, punishing him for moving on. What do I do??

[Spaceman1982]

You bring tension to a situation where there is too much.

It sounds like you talk to bio mom. If this is indeed the case STOP! If she is causing drama you have to stay out of it. Support your husband and love the child....but from the background.

Is she faulting you.....possibly. He needs to treat her very business like. It is emotional for both parents in custody situations and he needs your support.

[ocean]

Get a court order and then follow it. Do not tell mom your plans until after you have kids in your house so she can not stop it (and if she really needs to know-like out of state visit). He is the parent when he has kids, so she does not need to know your every move.

You take a big step back. I know that is hard to do but you will only get emotional hurt more. Step parenting is very hard. Love the child but they have an involved mother. Court is very stressful. Once you have a set time/dates in place it should get a little easier as she should follow the court order. Look on this site for very detailed orders so they can not be confused. Dates/times/pick up locations/summer schedules/school vacation schedules/birthdays of father and child/fathers day/holidays all need to be in there and clearly stated when you get child. It is VERY hard to change a court order. Your DH has to do all of this, yes you can help but he has to want to go through with all of this.