An update

[mistyme]

In case you need a reference: http://deltabravo.net/forum/index.php?topic=38441.0 (http://deltabravo.net/forum/index.php?topic=38441.0)


but I thought I would update as to what is going on.

So far it has been 80 days since the father has called to check on his son, or even seen him.  My son is 3 1/2 months old, he has seen him 4 times.  I did end up getting a lawyer in which we had our first court date on June 23rd, which ended in request for DNA (which i knew was coming).  I believe that every father has a right to feel they want to be "sure" which does not offend me, BUT he wants it because I didn't give our son HIS last name which as I explained in here that they would NOT allow me to put his last name on the b/c because he was not there to sign it and it went the same way 5 years ago when i had my daughter and her father took off.  So people can say it all they want that I still could of given him his last name. No. They would not let me and he decided not to show up and sign it so that's his problem, he also had plenty of chances to go with me to sign the AkOP, but he was always too busy so I've said forget it. We were never married and my son will just continue to have my last name.  So Court resumes on the 16th of August.  My lawyer says the longer he doesn't contact his son, check on him or support him ... it's only hurting him.

[ocean]

Hmm....not totally true.
Paternity is first and your ex was probably told he can not get any visitation ordered until that comes back so either he deals with you or waits for courts to start visitation. Just do not want you totally surprised that at the next few hearings the courts say ..ok , he is the father, now he gets xyz. He is an infant so it won't be anything crazy but he will get his own time without your interference but you can request that you both have infant cpr and take a parenting class.

[mistyme]

there is no court order that he can't see him, it's actually stated in the court document he is allowed to see him a few hours every day until further notice of the court and there has been no, further notice or change. He is being given rights, he isn't using them.  He's out of work, being lazy.  He had his first son all the month of June and barley cared for him.  Just sent him over to his brothers 70% of the summer.

Just on a side not (and not saying this because I think i'm "better") just that I'm already cpr/first aid cert. in infants, children and adults.  also sids trained and have over 400 child care education hours in the last year and i've been a child care teacher for 10 years and have raised a 5 year old on my own.  Just pointing that out cause that seems to be a big suggestion in here is to get cert. and get parenting classes.

[ocean]

Well it is a strategy, so you agree to get that certification if HE goes and gets it too. I would even go as far as getting a list of places that are cheap/free to go (look at your county services or public libraries).

Unfortunately the law does not require him to take all visitation and does not force parenting time. Get the min time in writing from the courts so if and when he decides to visit it will be on paper. He has another child and this one is an infant, maybe as the child gets a little older he will feel more comfortable taking baby? Who knows....

Is he asking for time in court? What did he say at last hearing? You can save a lot of money if you can ask him what he wants on paper....and maybe come to an agreement. Or asking your lawyer to make ONE phone call to him to see if he can make a deal?

[mistyme]

I dont know what he is wanting or looking for.  In the hearing it was just his lawyer and my lawyer speaking in regards to him wanting a DNA test.  Nothing was said in front of a judge.  I've already paid my lawyer, he does a flat rate which I am requesting that the father reimburse my attorney fee's. 

Also the father is out of work, he's been out of work since april.  He has no stable living enviroment for his first son.  He has a house yes, but his son has no clothes there, no bed, no room (and I am talking about his older son)  I know this because this is how it was when i lived there and according to his ex wife that he doesn't provide for his son, even when he is over visiting.  He goes over in the same clothes, comes back in the same clothes after the weekend is over.  I don't know what his deal is, but he's not even taking care of his other son.

I know, from what I can assume is that he wants time with his son, being all the threats he made to take him, ect in the past.  I can understand wanting a DNA test, but in the mean time, how can you ignore a child for over 80 days that you claim to love so much?  He doesn't even ask for a picture.  He knows the child is his, he's said it out of his own mouth several times, he just wants a DNA test so my son can have his last name (which makes no sense) ... IMO, no contact in over 80 days ... that won't look good on him.

[Simplydad]

It may not look good on him but it is not going to matter either.  It is sad that he will not see his son but it is not going to even matter when you go to court. There may be a reason as to why he has not made any contact or attempts to visit.   Considering he has an attorney it is possible that he has been advised to do just that very thing until paternity has been established.

There have been many men to proclaim a child is theirs only to later find out otherwise.  Whatever his legal strategy is I can't even begin to pretend to know but it seems some plan is in place. 

[gemini3]

mistyme, I know that right now it seems like a competition, especially when you're involved in the adversarial family court system.  But please consider that when your child loses you and your ex both loses.  So there really is no winner in situations like this.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but your ex had a child from a previous relationship and you felt that he wasn't a good father to that child.  Yet, you chose to make a baby with him anyway.  Now you have a child who could quite probably grow up fatherless.  The odds are against children who grow up fatherless.  They are less likely to graduate school, less likely to go to college, more likely to have drug or alcohol problems, more likely to have children while in their teens, more likely to be abused or become abusers... the list goes on.  So, these are the odds that you chose for your child.

Your road is not going to be easy.  You're going to have to find a way to allow your ex into the child's life enough so that the child can grow up feeling like he is loved by, and important to, both of his parents.  That may mean that you have to let go of rigid standards and allow your ex to see the child when he is willing and able, and to not make the child think that something is wrong if he's not.  That may mean keeping an open line of communication with someone that you dislike.  That may mean having to see your ex, or allowing your ex to visit with the child when you're not there (when it is appropriate for his age).  But, whatever you choose to do, if your child grows up feeling like his father doesn't want him, or doesn't care about him, it will do immeasurable damage.

From what it sounds like, he has no real desire to exercise his visitation at this point.  Since that's the case, you're in no danger by setting up a comprehensive parenting plan so that, when he does become ready, it's in place and your child can have the benefit of a relationship with his father.  There are some great parenting plans on this site that you can use as a template.

Remember, one of the worst things you can do to a child is deprive them of a relationship with one, or both, of their parents.  They need to feel loved and cared for by both parents.  If your ex loves and cares for him, even if he isn't living the life you think he should be living, that's all your son really needs.  To make it so difficult for your ex to be a part of your childs life that he chooses to disappear is to set your child up for a lifetime of hurt and problems.