Had to set another advice columnist straight....

[Kitty C.]

This time it was today's column in 'Dear Abby'.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Alana," has a 7-year-old son my husband and I have helped to raise while she got her life together and pursued her lucrative career. "Tristan" excels in school and is a great little man. The problem is, every time Alana gets a new boyfriend, she rushes to make the boyfriend Tristan's "daddy."

The men my daughter chooses are crude, rude and, without fail, feel a need to "straighten out" Tristan. My grandson does not need straightening out because he is polite, engaging and a good soul. The newest guy in Alana's life, "Jeff," told me point blank that if Alana doesn't stop babying her son, Tristan will grow up to be a girl! This man is homophobic, sexist, racist and controlling. (http://<a)

Alana claims she's "in love" and fails to see the potential harm this guy could inflict on Tristan. We do not employ corporal punishment, but Jeff has already said (several times) he would "beat his butt"! What should we do? -- FEARFUL NANA IN GEORGIA

DEAR NANA: Where is your daughter meeting these people? It appears her taste in men is atrocious, and she has serious self-esteem issues. You and your husband need to get across to her how harmful it is for her to repeatedly introduce men to her son as "daddies." Parents should wait until they know their prospective mates well enough to be assured they won't injure the child physically or psychologically.

If Alana insists on marrying Jeff, offer to take Tristan to live with you. If that's not acceptable, the next time Jeff says he'll "beat Tristan's butt" respond point blank that if he lays a hand on your grandson, you'll report him to Child Protective Services.
You could also point out to your daughter that now that she has her life together and a "lucrative career," the last thing she would need is a scandal because she tolerated such a thing happening to her son. And while you're at it, make it plain that trying to "toughen up" a 7-year-old the way this man is suggesting would not only be counterproductive, it could damage him in ways she can't imagine.


Here's my response:

Abby,
I strongly disagree with the advice you gave to 'Fearful Nana', who's daughter was choosing questionable partners and insisting her son view them as dad.

You said 'You and your husband need to get across to her how harmful it is for her to repeatedly introduce men to her son as "daddies." Parents should wait until they know their prospective mates well enough to be assured they won't injure the child physically or psychologically.'

Parents should wait?  Should wait for what?  Wait to get to know the guy before insisting the child view him as 'Dad'?  The thing is, the child should NEVER imply or call anyone who isn't legally a parent (either by birth or adoption) Dad or Mom.  I don't know where the father is in this case, but unless the guy is a convict or proven to be a danger to the child, the child NEEDS to have a relationship with his biological father.

This child could suffer from severe psychological damage by being forced to view so many men 'Dad'.  The meaning of the word could change for him and how he might see himself when he is old enough to be a father himself.  The mother needs to cease and desist the practice NOW, before she does further damage.

But as for the lastest 'father replacement' choice of the mother, you're advice was spot on.  Any suspicion of abuse needs to be reported immediately, especially if there is bruising or injury of any kind.  If the grandparents see the child often, they need to check the child frequently and report anything abusive they might find.

I highly recommend the website of SPARC (Separated Parents Access and Resource Center) at www.deltabravo.net (http://www.deltabravo.net).  It will be an eye-opener for you in regards to non-custodial parents and especially how the improper actions of separated parents can severely impact a child's life.

Bio- AND Step-Mom

[CarteretCountyNCDad]

Very awesome reply