Relocation- custody concerns.

[Davy]

Kitty ... I adamantly disagree with your line of reasoning that the father is "an assessory" to and in agreement to whatever.

It very much sounds like the gutless court is very much an assessory to whatever may continue to happen  since the court has the authority and responsibility to protect children and DID NOT.

The father has no such authority and if the father becomes to aggressive then the system 1) may find fault with him and 2) the aggressor may take it out on the children as long as the mother is allowed to keep the children.

[redbabyblue70]

Davy, thank you so much for your input,  we both really appreciate it.   PFA stand for protection from abuse.  I totally agree with your last comment to Kitty.  The whole reason my husband filed the PFA to begin with is to protect his children from the man his former life continues to subject them to.  If he becomes too agreessive, he will not be looked upon favorly by the courts.  They still believe the best place for the children is with the BM. 

Kitty,  I so wish the court had done what you stated, to pull the children from the BM and placed physical custody with us, until her BF was no longer in the picture.  Unfortunately, that did not happen.  Yes, the children's safety is ALWAYS number one priority, and in the eyes of the court, granting the PFA was protecting them against this man.  Do I agree with it, uh NO WAY.  If my husband had gone then and filed for full custody, his three children would of hated him for it.  They still love their mother, no matter what poor taste she has in men and wanted the 50/50 arrangement to continue.  How could my husband not honor their desires?  We made sure his oldest understood if they were touched AT ALL by this man, she was to call 911 immediately, and then her father (she has a cell phone). 

Davy, my husband is already looking for a job in the Dallas, TX area, while I am going through the interview process.  There seem to be a lot more opportunites then the part of PA we are in, and unlike this area, 4 year degrees do not seem to be mandatory in order to obtain the job.

Again, thank you both for sharing your thoughts/opinions.  They mean a lot and are helpful as we start out on this new adventure.  I will definitely continue to stress to all it is most important for the children to have both parents in their lives.

[Kitty C.]

Quote the OP:

'...and honestly his (judge) recommendation was for my husband to go to the custody office for a change.  The reason he did not do that is because it was not totally what the children wanted, and they were told by their BM that her boyfriend would not be moving with them to their new location.'

The judge himself told the father that he should go for custody, but the father didn't.......because he believed the BM when she said the BF wouldn't be moving with them?  The judge already said he SHOULD, but he didn't even AFTER the BF still moved with the BM.  So where is the court implicated?  JMO, but since they told him he SHOULD file for custody and didn't, he just better pray that nothing does happen......in the weird and wacky world of family court, they may point a finger not only at BM (for keeping the BF around when she was told not to) but also to the father (for being told by the judge that he SHOULD file for custody and didn't).  That's my point.


'If my husband had gone then and filed for full custody, his three children would of hated him for it.  They still love their mother, no matter what poor taste she has in men and wanted the 50/50 arrangement to continue.  How could my husband not honor their desires?' 
I in NO way implied that your DH should yank the kids completely away from their mother...in fact, I adamantly disagree with that.  She would still be part of their lives, in as much as she and your DH could come to an agreement on the logistical part of it.  The father filing for custody was to limit contact between the kids and the BF, NOT the mother.  And even if the kids would be upset by that, as parents we often have to make decisions regarding our children that they will not be happy about...but that is why we're the parents, to keep them safe.  It's no different than telling DS and SS that they cannot hang out with certain kids or do certain things...they may be PO'd, but it doesn't matter...it's for their own safety and that should ALWAYS come first, especially over what they want.


As for the moving situation, I strongly recommend reviewing the original for language regarding move-aways and, if there is none, then either reading up on the state laws regarding it or consulting an atty. about it.  Heaven forbid your DH does get a job in TX, everyone moves there, then get forced back to the original state because it was illegal.  Absolutely find out if he can even take the kids (because even if it's possible, some modification of custody MUST be in place before the move) before he even accepts a job there.  Don't get the cart before the horse or the court is liable to yank it right out from underneath you.

[redbabyblue70]

"As for the moving situation, I strongly recommend reviewing the original for language regarding move-aways and, if there is none, then either reading up on the state laws regarding it or consulting an atty. about it.  Heaven forbid your DH does get a job in TX, everyone moves there, then get forced back to the original state because it was illegal.  Absolutely find out if he can even take the kids (because even if it's possible, some modification of custody MUST be in place before the move) before he even accepts a job there.  Don't get the cart before the horse or the court is liable to yank it right out from underneath you. "



This is the kind of information that I have been looking for by posting our situation.  I reviewed the current custody order and it only states that each parent is obligated to inform the court and the other parent when they move.  It does not state that they are not allowed to move out of the area.  Therefore, we will research our state laws, to see if there are any other restrictions.  My husband believes he still has a small retainer with his lawyer that did the work for his divorce and custody- so I want him to reach out to him as well.



"The judge himself told the father that he should go for custody, but the father didn't.......because he believed the BM when she said the BF wouldn't be moving with them?  The judge already said he SHOULD, but he didn't even AFTER the BF still moved with the BM.  So where is the court implicated?  JMO, but since they told him he SHOULD file for custody and didn't, he just better pray that nothing does happen......in the weird and wacky world of family court, they may point a finger not only at BM (for keeping the BF around when she was told not to) but also to the father (for being told by the judge that he SHOULD file for custody and didn't).  That's my point."



If they were my children, I would of gone and filed for sole custody.  But unfortunately, they are not, so the final call was not mine to make, it was his.  If I recall the judge's exact words, he said to BM (since all four of us were in the PFA hearing)- there is nothing stopping your former husband from taking the PFA and going to the custody office for a change in the order. Deep down, I feel my husband still fears the system.  He had to battle his brother along with his former wife in order to have the current custody order (it is a LONG story...a lot of drama and heart break)- and if you would like to hear the whole thing, I will gladly share in a private email.  I am a child of divorce as well, and I have seen it happen in the state of PA anyway, a lot.  The court sides with the mother of the children- not the father.  You have to prove the mother unfit in order to have full custody if you are the father.  Again, that is not what we are trying to do.  It is in the best interest of the children to have BOTH parents in their lives.  Ideally, we are hoping they will be with us during the school year, and BM on holidays and summer vacation.  BM is not equipped to help them with their schoolwork- that job falls on my husband and I.