Stepmom looking for information regarding custody

[luckystepmother]

I am the stepmother of two young boys who are in desparate need of a home that provides stability. My husband and I are beginning the process of gathering information regarding primary custody of his two children from his first marriage. We are interested in any guidence or information from father's who are currently battling for custody or have won custody of their children. We currently have a verbal arrangement with the mother of the boys that the oldest one will live with us until the end of the school year. He has lived with us now for over a month and has made leaps and bounds in school since his arrival. However, this verbal agreement is now in jepordy. The mother's blind hatred of me has clouded her judgement regarding what environment is best for the child. By law the children reside in North Carolina and my husband and I live in Georgia (apparently this is determined by where the children have lived for more than 6 months). There was no custody agreement when my husband and his ex-wife divorced. We are afraid to let the child return to North Carolina to visit with his mother for a weekend because we don't know for sure if she will return him. I could write for days as to why the children belong with us but for now I will leave with this question: Does anyone know if there is a way to file something that will give us temporary custody until a court decision can be established?

Thank you.

[Kitty C.]

If there is no custody agreement (and never was) then there's no reason why you can't file for custody right NOW.  Tho I find it very strange that they got a divorce without a custody agreement.  If there's nothing in writing, including the son's visit to NC, then you are not bound to making him go.  But you better get it legalized as soon as possible, cuz the fun's just starting.........

[luckystepmother]

Thank you for your response. I just signed into this site today.

I thought the lack of a custody agreement was strange too...but it's true. North Carolina (the state that the mother lives in and where the divorce was settled doesn't require it). I want to get this started as soon as possible as well but my husband is scared of extended additional emotional damage to the children. This will not be a friendly settlement. She is not entitled to alamony b/c she was unfaithful (many times) during the marriage but she lives b/c my husband is the nicest man on the face of the planet-which is also his only fault. There is no legal agreement about child support either. But he pays for the house that she lives in and an additional sum that he has not required her to account for how it is spent. Both of their names are still on the mortgage and he says he's going to sell it but hasn't moved on that yet either-plus he has to have her in on the sale since her name is on it. It's a mess, we know this is the right move-he knows it is the right move but she is a master manipulator-if it was an Olympic sport, she'd take the gold for sure....

Thanks for the support!

[Kitty C.]

You will hear a LOT about the effect all this has on the kids and I've been thinking about it lately.

If you take a serious look at it, no matter what you do, it will have a serious effect on the kids.  It already is.  Yes, going to court will cause problems, but NOT going will cause problems, too.  Many will say that they don't want to cause any more stress on the kids, but they ALREADY are!  But if the ultimate goal is to ELIMINATE that stress (at least as much as possible), then you might have to put up with more to get to that point.

Kids having to deal with dovorce, even when the parents split amicably, go thru more stress than kids in intact families.  The two factors that only need to be taken into consideration when contemplating court action is the 'severity' and 'longetivity', because whether you do anything or not, there WILL be stress for them.

[sweetnsad]

I agree and disagree with you Kitty...not to be disrespectful or anything, but I went through a somewhat amicable divorce with my ex husband and my daughter came through it a different child.  You see, my marriage and relationship with her father was an abusive one and it was very hard on our daughter (she witnessed her father abusing me)...so when I left and took her with me, her life changed.  I met the most wonderful man and he took her in like she was his own.  She is the most content child now, much different than she was.

His kids on the other hand, are emotionally stressed out and that's because of their mother. She bad mouthed their father to their faces and made him out to be a complete monster (which he isn't) and dragged them through it with their eyes wide open.  As a result, they hate the mere sight of me, simply because their mother told them they had to...they never gave me a chance because they wanted to.

So while going through court IS stressful on the parents, it shouldn't be on the children....as far as I'm concerned, they shouldn't be aware of what's going on...their lives should be kept as normal as possible.  But I know that isn't going to happen to everyone or in everyone's lives.  Everybody handles things differently...I just wish that more parents were aware of how much this really hurts the kids.

I agree with you Kitty when you say that NOT going to court will cause problems as well....there has to be an order in place, otherwise you are looking at one great big mess......

[Kitty C.]

That's what I meant about the 'severity' and longetivity'.  I'm sure your daughter still went thru some stress, but it was short-lived.  Because if you ahdn't, she'd still be stressed out, right?

It's a matter of picking the shorter/lesser of two evils........

It bothered me for years that I put DS thru all this crap when I separated from his father.  Because it's a natural parental instinct to protect your child.  But when his dad died, that's when I realized that you can't shield them from everything.  And he certainly is a changed young man because of it.

I lived a sheltered childhood, I admit it.  Lived on the farm, no family crises, no deaths in the family, I didn't lose someone close to me until I was out of HS.  And tho that may seem like a good thing, it left me ill prepared to deal with the real world as an adult.  I struggled for the first decade as an adult.  But my son has been flying alone since he was 5 and is MUCH more confident in himself.  And tho he will still lose those close to him in the future, he knows what the grieving process feels like.

Some of the hardest things our kids have to deal with are life lessons they MUST learn, no matter how much it hurts us to see them go thru it.

[nosonew]

Did you check the divorce decree to ensure there isn't any mention of who has "residential custody" of the children?  It may be in there, with no mention of visitation if it was agreed upon by the parties.  

Also, how old is the child and what does he/she want?  Do you have other children in the home?  

If there is absolutely NO court order regarding who gets the kids, then possession is 9/10ths of the law.  Dad has child, thus dad has child. Hopefully you have, or can get, copies of report cards, and possibly letters from the old school regarding his lack of progress and any problems, then show how much he has improved, as well as letters which indicate how he is adapting to the new environment, his attitude, etc.  All work in your favor (hopefully!)

Remember too, get a very good attorney, perferably one that specializes in custody/family law.  They may cost a bit more, but you will actually save money with someone who specializes.  (Kind of like being treated by a podiatrist for cancer rather than an oncologist, if you just go with a regular, run of the mill attorney instead of a family law attorney).  Get my drift?

Best of luck from this lucky stepmom who now has ss living in her home after years and years and years!

[luckystepmother]

Thank you for your encouragement!

Actually it is only a divorce decree, no mention of children at all. Kinda strange, huh? But the research we have done so far says that custody issues must be taken up with the court in the state where the children live. That is North Carolina. The law in NC says that residency is determined by where the child/children have lived for at least 6 months. We live in GA. Since my ss has only been with us for just over a month, I don't believe that counts. Surely it says something if the mother let him live with us though-maybe it counts, maybe not. I just don't know anything about this stuff. This is my first (and better be...) my only marriage and I have no children of my own (yet). We see my husband's youngest son every other weekend (mostly). The children are 10 and 6. The decision for my ss to move in was a surprise. We offered the choice to both children-trying to avoid a custody battle-but we never expected the oldest child to go for it. There is a lot of history there...My oldest ss is not my husbands biochild-he is his mother's biochild from her first marriage from her teens-but my husband legally adopted him years ago and has been in his life since the child was 3 mo old. The youngest child is his. We expected the youngest to come way before the oldest. We were sure that it would be harder on him than his younger brother since he has no biological ties to this house. I guess it just shows how little one knows about these things. Anyway, I don't think past records will be an issue and the info from his new school certainly won't. I meet with his teacher weekly and we have a very good relationship.  There is much, much more but it would take a week of typing to explain...

So, thank you again, if you have any info or words of encouragement regarding your own situation, they would be appreciated by this stepmom.

Thanks!

[wendl]

I wish you all the luck, and please come into chat sometimes. These people are great and help anyway they can.

Even if you need to just vent.