Losing Patience-Long

[worriedmom]

I am having an issue. My ex is taking me to court for custody on false accusational grounds that I will get him on later, however for right now we have had joint custody for a year and a half now and he wants revenge on me(hence the suit) He has no job, $1100 behind in child support, no license, no car and just moved and hour away. My son went over for normal visitation and today I find out that he once again called DFS on me for malnutrition(he called a few months ago also that was dropped) The DFS guy came over and nothing came of it and he left. But I found out from my 6 year old that his dad and his dads gf forced him to lie to a police officer and he was not at all happy about it. He also told me that him and his dad did something he was not allowed to talk about and started crying. (He came home and buried his face in the couch) My son came home with ticks alllll over his body and he told me that he didnt eat breakfast lunch or dinner at his dads and ate like it when he got home. I am worried about my sons health and my ex gets him for the whole month of july. What can be done and are there any comments about what I can do to stop this crap before I lose it on my ex? Any comments are appreciated I feel like I am losing my mind....Please help.....



CopMomOf3

[4honor]

between BF "getting" you through the child and you going to "get" BF over the accusations, you are destroying your child.

STOP IT NOW!

Your child is playing you. He ate. HE is 6. They go through spurts and act like they haven't eaten. It makes you overly concerned when he tells you he didn't eat -- so you behave nicer to him and he gets all your attention... something he likes... he PROFITS personally from that.

 He probably does the same at his father's house and you BOTH play into the conflict. Why do you think BF keeps calling DFS for neglect and malnutrition?  Cause your son keeps saying he didn't get Breakfast or Lunch or Dinner, maybe?

You are acting like BF went out and impoverished himself just to get out of paying support. Take a good look at the unemployment rate out there and BF's age and think about it logically. He could be, but WHY? Even at my angriest, I could not consider not working JUST to piss off an ex and keep from paying a PORTION of my income. And in this day and age, moving to find work is often the only way to do it. An hour is a nothing move if the industry he was previously working in dried up or he suffered an injury or lay off.

And if you have JOINT physical custody, why is he paying you ANYTHING?  Don't the kids cost anything to feed at BF's house too? IT is unclear by your post.

I am not really in need of these answers. BUT I do think you need to SERIOUSLY consider them and your situation.

The way you and your ex have been dealing with one another have put your child in a terribly harmful situation. He will likely develop stomach ulcers and other stress related illnesses and will likely be talking about killing himself in the next couple of years.

What are you doing to stop the madness your child is going through?  Because when all is said and done, your child is not going to grow up and blame either of you for the financial atmosphere he grew up in, but he will blame you both for the conflictive atmosphere that you both perpetrated on him as a child.

Put your feelings aside and approach your ex about the situation. Tell him that the information you are getting from son has you concerned because of the effect on him, not so much because you believe your child's perception of the situation. Tell him you are looking for solutions to stop the bickering and are open to suggestions on how you can CO-PARENT your child. SOMEONE has to call a cease fire before your child is caught in the cross-fire. Why can't that person be you?

[Stepmom0418]

I do agree that the parents here need to learn to Coparent but all at the same time WHAT IF ..........

What if the parents do have legitimate concerns??

Maybe this mother or father does have a legitimate concerns and putting aside the concern could put the childs welfare in jeopardy. It would be hell if the child suffered because these parents didnt listen to their child about a concern that was in fact true and it was not the child playing the parents.

But on the flip side yes children do play parents against each other. This mother would know her child and maybe she should get the child into counseling so that the parents could see exactly what is going on.
I would suggest to involve the father in the counseling sessions as well. I do agree that the child needs both parents! But I also know that some people are just not cut out to be parents! After dealing with my ex for 13 years (my oldest dd's age) I have found out that he is NOT a fit parent and that there is NOTHING I can do about that other than protecting my children from further harm.

I just dont think all parents are good parents. There are some out there that COULD and WILL hurt children.

[worriedmom]

Ok apparently I wasnt clear enough on the situation, my fault.... This stuff that my ex is doing is nothing new. I have to go into a little history. My ex is a drugatic and alcholic. He is trying to get back at me because I got married to my husband. He told me that he was going to destroy my relationship by telling my husband that my child I was pregnant with was his when in fact he knew it wasnt. Then a few months later he called and left a message telling my husband our child was his, didnt work but just an example of how childish my ex is. The last time he called DFS he told DFS that we had 2 dogs (nothing else just 2 dogs), we had guns and ammo in the house, and that my son's feet stink so my son wouldnt take off his shoes after I had just told him that he wouldnt take his shoes off in karate because that is just that way he is. DFS came over and said nothing and left. My son has come home saying that he hates all of us and that we are not his family and that his dad's gf is forcing him to call her mom and forced to call me Crystal while he is over there, which really upset him. BF is making false accusations of abuse and neglect and I am in the Police Academy which just being blamed for stuff like that looks bad on me and he knows that (he has even threatened to call my director and tell him I am on drugs which will automatically put me on suspension until testing can be done and then that will go into my file) He then told the court that I refused to give him my sons medical cards but then called my house, and left a message telling me to NOT give the medical cards to the doctor that he was paying for it himself, I gave the medical cards to the doc anyway but he refused them and paid out of pocket.  My son has also told me that if he doesnt hurt his brother the bad guys from jail will come kill him. I have my son going to a psychologist over all of this and he has been going for over a year. He has problems in school when he comes home then it gets better. Also in the contempt of court issue, last year I asked him if i could take Lukis for a day during his summer visitation for my family reunion and he said yes...then in the court papers it says i interrupted his summer visitation when I gave him an extra day of visitation for it....

This is all one sided. I have tried over and over to make peace but he is hellbent on making my life hell.  There is no way i can talk to him, he hates me and everything i say he turns against me with the court or DFS. He pays child support because in the joint custody plan HIS lawyer wrote up he only sees him 4 days a month. I had nothing to do with it it was all his lawyer. I was letting him see him more until he was taking advantage of me being nice. This guy is not worried about my son's welfare if he was he wouldnt be purposefully doing this crap. Is this a little better way of putting my concerns? I dont fight with him, i avoid him because I am safer that way and less stressed....

[worriedmom]

Also to be 100% clear, I am NOT trying to put my ex's name in a bad light i just dont know how to deal with all of this and that is what i am needing help on...How do i live in peace with a vindictive, selfish ex?
CopMomOf3

[Stepmom0418]

I think continuing therapy for your child is the best thing you can do. Does the counseling seem to be helping the child?
What does the counselor say about all of this?

[worriedmom]

Well, everything is turned out good with the caseworker. My son spilled his guts to the caseworker and said a lot of incriminating statements. His behavior goes down in school after a weekend with his BF and again I got his behavior report and it wasnt good. My son is also having nightmares and has crawled in bed with me and my husband for the past coule of nights....Im going to be glad when everything is done and said and this is all over....Its killing me seeing my son like this....
CopMomOf3

[Stepmom0418]

It is good that son is being honest! What ever you do.....do not speak poor of the other parent in front of the child because that would only make matters worse! It is hard to see any child like this. Be supportive and make sure son knows he can always talk to you about anything!

I wish you the best and keep us posted!

[worriedmom]

Oh no, I have never and will never speak ill of my ex in his presence. I have however contacted my attorney about it all to see what, if anythign can be done Thank you for your responses
CopMomOf3

[Stepmom0418]

I believe that you have made a smart move in contacting your attorney from what you have said about the situation.

I would suggest that maybe some visitation in a supervised setting with a professional may help in your situation.

I hope things go well. Keep us updated.
Again I wish you the best of luck!