Mediation of Conflicts

[ejkoz]

I am a father of a 10-year old boy and have been divorced for 8 yrs from his mother. I am since remarried with another son (21 months) and a girl on the way. In the divorce decree, I was named the "Custodial Parent".  I wanted to be sure my son still had a relationship with his mother, so I agreed to rather unorthodox visitation. This visitation was never put in writing and was not part of the divorce decree. Now, my son has been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is taking medication. We are also in the midst of researching and speaking with his therapist about the possibility of him having Aspberger's Disorder. Basically, he needs to change schools for the 2006-2007 school year and his mom is fighting me tooth and nail. I only want what is best for my son. His therapist believes he is better with me. My son wants to live with me full time and go to school by my house. (Just so you know, I live 32 miles away from my ex-wife. Not like we're in another state.) I spoke to the attorney that handled our divorce and he stated that the issue of WHERE my son goes to school does not qualify for mediation. I need help. I believe, and I am not an attorney, that my ex-wife would need to have a judge/court change the "Custodial Parent" role before she can dictate to me where he goes to school. In order for that to happen, she would have to prove that I am an unfit parent. Is this correct? If anyone can assist me with this, I would GREATLY appreciate it. The school year is ending this week and we need to enroll my son for next year very soon.

Thank you.

[notnew]

Whatever your "unorthodox" (which I am curious to know about since you put it that way), visitiation is really isn't the issue here.

The fact is that you are the custodial parent. To change that, the NCP would have to show the court that there has been a material or substantial change in circumstance that warrants a change in custody (not an easy task).

I believe your attorney is correct that this is not a mediation issue.

What kind of custody were you granted. Is this joint legal with you having physical custody?  Your order should designate who has these types of decision making rights.

You don't give enough details to really know what is happening here.  

Why is your child not going to school in your district?

Why is living with you full time an issue?

Personally, I feel this is really a non-issue. If you need to put the child in school that is in your district (where you live), since you are the custodial parent, that should not be a problem. Legally, you have ground to stand on it seems. However, it sounds like the ex will be giving you a lot of grief and the best thing to do is minimize the effect it will have on you, your family, and your child. So, keep your communications with the ex business like and to the point. Don't get wrapped up in arguing and other nasty behaviors. Try to keep the conflict out of sight/hearing from the child.

If ex gives you a hard time, remind her of what the order states, advise her to review her copy to make sure she understands it and that if she feels she needs to, she can take the issue to the court for resolution.

This is my personal opinion, not legal advice.

[Sunshine1]

and I can help out as well.  I have a disabled son and his dad fights me about medications, next will be school when he needs to go to a different state or another part of the state...

answer the questions so we can familiarize ourselves with what is actually going on.

[ejkoz]

The "unorthodox" visitation is as follows: My son spends 1 full week with me and then 1 full week with his mom. Basically, he sees each of us the same amount of time. As I stated earlier, This was done so he could have a relationship with both of us.

It is joint legal custody, with me as the "Custodial Parent". I have physical custody of my son also.

He has not gone to school in my district because originally he was going to private school. That got too expensive and the public school in my district at the time was terrible. My new wife is a school teacher and my son was allowed to go to the same school she taught at because he lived with us. My ex lives 5 minutes from the school so it was convenient for her when he spent the week at her house.

Because of the medical issues this past year with my son, he thinks the kids at his current school all hate him and he wants to change schools. He told his therapist that he wants to go to the school in my district because he has friends in my neighborhood that he would go to school with. My wife will probably not go back to teaching at the current school also, which means we could no longer be the exception at that school.

We have moved to a much better school district now. The fact that we are 32 miles away from my ex does not make her happy.

Living with me full time is only an issue because my ex does not want me to "win". I have told her it is not about me or her winning. It is about our son getting what is best.

As for your other comments, I never discuss things with him or around him. I never question what is going on at mom's house. I have always left him out of the "adult" conversations.

Hopefully this helps explains things better. Sorry for being so wordy. Thanks for your input.

[notnew]

IMHO - you should stick to your game plan and if she protests, inform her that she can exercise her right to resolve the matter through court action should she so desire.

YOU are acting in the best interests of the child. The only thing I can see that may be a slight black mark on your side is the move 32 miles away, but that is iffy too since it put you in a better neighborhood with better schools, etc. Will your wife return to work at all or is she planning to stay home with the baby for a few years? That would be the icing on the cake, a stay at home step-parent to provide added supervision.

The court is supposed to put the childs best interests first. The arrangement you had in regards to the school your child attended and the visitation agreement you went with are commendable, but not a requirement under the court order. Clearly, now that the child is 10 years old, this type of arrangement is no longer convenient for everyone involved OR in the best interests of the child. Joint custody arrangements with week-to-week exchanges work best for parents who either live VERY close to one another (like a few blocks), or when the child is younger than school age.

As I said before, while this seems like something big and you are worried about the outcome, it is really a non-issue for you. If the mother chooses to make it a battle, then let her fire the first shot (by filing in court). Until she does this, you have every right to continue on as planned. I believe your attorney is correct in stating that this is not a mediation issue. You have physical custody and the child should go to school in your district, period.

You say the child is with a therapist. I assume because you have joint legal, the mother is involved and approves. Sure wouldn't look good to go against the therapists recommendations when they don't agree with your game plan now would it?  

I hope things work out for the best.

If you have further questions or think you need more, I would suggest posting on Socrateaser's board - make sure you read the board rules!