Advice

[smb70]

I am a divorced father (just over 2 yrs.) with a shared parenting agreement in place.  I started a new relationship just over a year ago and I am now engaged.  The initial divorce was not the norm.  Everything was worked out and time was split 50/50 with the kids.  Now that I have moved on with my life and new relationship, my ex is trying to break apart my new life.  She has filed papers to change the parenting agreement and is hell bent on making me decided between my children and my new life together with my fiancee.  She is causing numerous problems between us and I really don't know what to do.  I want this new life for my self.  I have considered giving her primary custody of the kids in order to finally get some peace for me, my fiancee and our new life together.  I don't want my kids to be in the middle of this custody battle anymore, but I also don't want them to think that I'm walking out on them.  The problem is that if I break off my relationship with my fiancee, I would be almost certain that something similar to this would occur in any other relationships I involve myself into.  Therefore, I see this as a no win situation.  She is out to hurt me no matter who she hurts in the process.  If what I believe is correct, it would be 12 years before I could establish another relationship with anyone as my youngest child would turn 18.  I am curious as if anyone else has ever been in a situation like this and how they worked through it.  Please help.

[notnew]

Wondering if this has happened to others?  Too many to count I am sure! You need to stick to your guns and not allow your ex to force a change on you.

Changing the parenting agreement is not an easy thing to do. She will have to establish a "material" change in circumstance. You being engaged is NOT a material change. Her being unable to let go of the past and properly control her anger and hostilities will lead her to actions that will very possibly result in a material change that will affect HER parenting ability of the children.

The important thing to do from this point forward is REFUSE to be engaged with her antics. As long as she knows she is getting to you and your fiancee', she will continue and even get worse until she gets what she wants and  you cannot allow that. What she sees is a challenge to her "mother" position and THAT is her problem, not yours.

You are very lucky to have gotten the 50/50 arrangement. If you give it away, you will NEVER be able to get it back. Your kids are a sure thing, your fiancee' may not be. However, putting your relationships with others on hold for the next 8 years is not the answer either. I can tell you that your ex will be just as unhappy then as she is now.

You need to keep your communications with her direct and business like. Do not get emotional or argue with her. Your fiancee can be involved with you and your kids so don't worry about that.

Let her pull all of her punches. You continue to be a good dad and be consistent in your life. What she does to the kids is unfortunate, but does not make  you a bad parent. Your ex's actions are HERS and you are not responsible for them, nor will you giving in make her any better.

We need a few more details. What exactly has she filed and what are her reasons for changing the parenting plan? What is she doing that is causing numerous problems?

In my opinion, she is blowing hot air and you need to look at it that way. Let us know a little more and we can share some more specific experiences with you.

[CustodyIQ]

Unless your fiancee is a danger to the kids, or unless anything else has happened to warrant a change, your attitude in court will be, "The kids have been doing great with the 50/50 arrangement.  This whole action started two weeks after mom discovered I was engaged.  I understand she may not personally like it, but there is nothing here addressing the kids' best interest."

[smb70]

Thanks for all your input and suggestions.  Yes, there are some other issues and details.  Approximately a month ago, it was brought to our attention that there was some inappropriate behavior between my daughter (6) and my fiancee's oldest son (12) which occurred last year.  This has really gotten my ex fired up and she called in child services.  They conducted and investagation and determined that it was just that - inappropriate behavior (nothing of a criminal nature) and that both children should see a counselor.  Needless to say, those steps were already put in place before the investigation has been completed.  My ex issued me a letter asking that I keep my daughter away from him for the time being while this investigation is occurring - which I have indicated I would.  She is still hell bent on this issue and is either going to use it to her advantage to gain additional custody or use it to mess with his life.  

The initial reason for the her trying to change the agreement was she felt that the kids needed a more stable environment - "a place to call home" in her words.  Not having mommy's home and daddy's home.  She is also trying to argue that I am withholding information from her.   The current plan had been working fine for well over a year and once I started getting involved in my relationship and stopped talking to her is when all this started brewing.  

Now it is slowly becoming a reality that I will probably have to make a choice between my kids and fiancee.  What my ex is currently looking for is to change from a 50/50 situation to one where I would have the kids every other weekend during the school year and every other week during the summer.  I have thought this over time and time again and I do not want to end my relationship with my fiancee.  It is my opinion that even if I do this and try to start another relationship down the road, the ex will somehow put the kids in the middle of this again and try to keep me from living my life.  I know I am in a tough situation, as I have heard this from so many people.  I have never put myself first in anything that I have ever done and I just can't take that anymore.  I need to be happy as well.  With that said, I'm thinking about giving in to this new agreement she is looking for as long as my fiancee and I can get to a point that is acceptable for both of us.  She is in the middle of this as well and is tired of all the problems my ex is causing.  Just thinking that this could be a way for us to get some peace and stop the madness of my ex.

[notnew]

First let me say that I can certainly understand that the inappropriate behavior issue has caused the mother to become concerned. How concerned I guess depends on what happened. Was is physical or was there a suggestion made about something physical happening, or was it just a matter of older child talking about something they shouldn't have with a 6 YO. Kids that age have a hard time knowing the boundaries sometimes and our media drenched society doesn't support responsible behavior unfortunately.

I suppose not every woman can tolerate these types of things well. I am very lucky in that aspect. However, I also know that everyone has their limits. So, the choice is up to you. The arrangement she is proposing sounds fair as well so it may be a better option to exercise.

You have to do what you feel is best. I would have reservations about the situation with your fiancee' and that she doesn't want to put up with this anymore though, but again, that is your call entirely. I wish you all the best.

[CustodyIQ]

It's not a good sign if your fiancee is making you feel as though you must pick between her and the kids.

This is not going to be the only difficult time between you and your ex during the next many years.  Will the solution forever be, "Remove myself further and further from the children, so my marriage survives?"

I suggest that you really look inward and decide what is best for YOUR CHILDREN, not for you or your fiancee.

If it's best for them to continue the 50/50 arrangement, then make it happen.

If your fiancee can't handle it, don't marry her.

There are many women out there who will treat your children as their own, and who will stand by your side THROUGH NEARLY ANYTHING to ensure you continue to be a very involved father with your kids.

I'm also lucky that I have such a wife.

If I was given an ultimatum (by any person or any situation), I'm a parent first and foremost.  If it becomes impossible to be a parent, I'll need to figure out how to accept that.

But merely because your ex is going for more custodial time (and perhaps raising some conflicts, which you haven't really described, so I don't know how bad it is) is not a fraction of the threshold that I'd personally have, in terms of removing myself further from raising my children.

Putting it back on your fiancee, if it turns out her ex is causing problems, are you expecting that she'll just give her son to his father, so your marriage isn't burdened?  And would she be okay with that as a solution?

Good luck.

[notnew]

I was dancing around that.

And I did state earlier that the problems with the ex will only continue and get worse if you continually give in until he is never seeing his kids.

The choice he has to make is what role is more important to him parent / fiancee' and potential spouse to a person who may or may not be willing to travel through the trial's of life unless they are on her terms (a recipe for disaster).

As you said, he should always maintain his role as a parent and the expectation for a GF/2nd Wife should be that she has the same committment level to his kids as he does. I am sure as you said, that she would expect him to have for her own child.

A difficult position to be in for sure.

[thesmithfamily_5]

>as well.  With that said, I'm thinking about giving in to this
>new agreement she is looking for as long as my fiancee and I
>can get to a point that is acceptable for both of us.  She is
>in the middle of this as well and is tired of all the problems
>my ex is causing.  Just thinking that this could be a way for
>us to get some peace and stop the madness of my ex.

I hope I'm wrong, but the feeling I'm getting is you're asking for someone to tell you that "it's okay, go ahead & give up the kids for EOW, it will make everything easier". Unfortunately, it won't work that way. Like Sebastian said in The Little Mermaid, "if you give them and inch, they'll walk all over you". (yes, I have a 3 yo daughter.) The more you give, the more BM is going to take until you see them once every 6 months, or never.

Don't give them up without a fight! Do it because it's what's best for them! Do it for all of us who have no chance of getting 50-50 and we're dying to!

[daddyinpdx]

I love this board,

Believe me guy, giving up your rights to make peace is a very costly mistake. I have been there done that, I've got the T-Shirt and the hat.

I can see this situation from a mile away. Your ex- is definately unhappy with her life right now. Misery loves company. I can guarantee that your fiancee is competetitive in either looks, career or both.

This is what pisses most ex's off. They begin to compare what their lives could have been with you.

Even a girlfriend that dogs you out and doesn't love you gets a little jealous when you find someone you love. That's human nature.

I suggest that you stand your ground, remain in position and love, lead, and protect your children. The way you inwhich you resolve this situation with their mom will be traning ground for your children to learn how to deal in difficult situations.

Be expeceted to recieve child support increases, friction in drop off/pick up schedules, and maybe a new boyfriend for competition.

If this happens, by them both a gift card from Starbucks :-)

Throw her a curve by remaning successful. Look successful, wear a suit, smile like colgate, and do your best to iron clad your emotions around her and the children.

This will immediatly disarm her offense and switch her on the defense. Defenately include the fiancee in most affairs, but only do this from the heart and not for spite . Ill motives back fire.

I have 2 ex's and remaining happy and excited as "Jim Carey" kills em

Celeberate your new love with the world.