Long Distance Communication with Stepchild

[TXDad]

I am actually the father (NCP) of the child in question but my wife and I were wanting opinions on our situation.  We live several states away from my son and, unfortunately, do not get to see him EOW.  I call him weekly and try to continue other forms of communication such as letters and such.  The CP has gotten very upset recently because my wife (step-mom) has begun including her own letter to my son when I send mine to him.  Nothing inappropriate is said in these letters; she talks about what is going on around our house, asks him what he has been up to, to share with his sister, do good in school, etc. 

She started writing him because over the last several weeks, he has asked to speak to her when I make my weekly phone call to him.  Prior to this, she did not want to make waves with the CP by initiating her own separate communication with him.  However, now that he is specifically asking to speak with her she wants to reciprocate by writing him letters.  So we are torn about what the right thing to do here is.  Continue her communication with him so he knows that she cares about him as well and wants to stay in touch or please the CP by stopping all letters and only communicating with him when he asks to speak with her on the phone.

I do not feel that she is doing anything wrong but the CP tends to get very upset over anything and everything.  I would think she would be pleased that our son has another adult that he can look up to, but that is not the case here.  My wife wants to stay in touch with my son between visits but does not want to cause any unnecessary trouble for me.  What is everyone's opinion?

[Kitty C.]

I would go back to SM just talking to the child during the phone conversations and ONLY when he specifically asks to talk to her.  If your ex is anything like DH's, it's possible she may be punishing him in some way for wanting any kind of relationship with your wife.  I agree....when DH and I got married, we told SS that he just has more people in his life that love and care about him.....but BM only sees it as a threat because of her insecurities.  So since you can't change your ex's way of thinking, use the route that would be best for the child and keeps the friction down.

[ocean]

I agree....sadly..
Have dad write the letter and maybe have SM sign at bottom "miss you too" and her name and sibling can sign their name if they are old enough, if not, maybe if you are comfortable a picture of sibling (maybe with dad?).

Do SM and BM ever talk? Maybe try one letter/email from SM to BM just saying that you know she is the mother and do not want to step over her but just another person that loves him. That you would love to keep the communication open when he is with her and that you welcome her to call your home whenever son is there. One try, if it fails, you tried.

Have you tried video chat on the computer?

[MixedBag]

Kitty -- I wouldn't jump on board so fast and say BM is threatened by her own insecurities....

Coming from the other side as the NCP/BM, I wasn't insecure about SM......she was overbearing in her relationship with our son and the word REPLACEMENT back on those days comes to mind.   And can share many examples of what happened to support this.

The rest of the advice is great -- talked when the child asks for her.....

As the SM, I never wrote or talked to the Step-kids and stuff, but that didn't mean we didn't have a good relationship in the end.  Heck, they are all emancipated and have been ex-steps for years now.....and we still keep in touch.

[TXDad]

Thank you everyone for your input.  I know adults tend to think more into things than kids - we just did not want my son to feel like he was always putting in an effort to speak with his step-mom and she never reciprocated.

I understand where you all are coming from.  My wife goes out of her way to never say anything that we believe could be misconstrued but you can't control other people's perceptions.  Hopefully one day the ex and I can have a cooperative relationship, at the least, and can be accepting of anyone that our son cares about.  We will go back to just phone conversations between my wife and son (at his initiation) and will try having her just sign the bottom of my letters, add her own "Hi", etc...  I'm learning to choose my battles wisely and although I feel this is petty of the ex, it's not worth turning into a war.

[tigger]

Is the mom remarried?

[TXDad]

Engaged, but there are no issues between myself and the future husband.  He has never done anything to upset me and my son has never said a bad word about him.

[TXDad]

Sorry - just saw the question about internet chat.  I have asked a couple of times but never receive any kind of response, it's just ignored.  It is one of the things I intend to request when we have a hearing in a few months for a revised parenting plan.

[Kitty C.]

You're right, MB......it sounded SO much like SS's BM that I just jumped to conclusions.  I do believe that what they had going originally (he can talk to her on the phone when he calls his dad) would be the best way to go, since that didn't seem to bother the BM.

But beware....you never know when she might get her knickers in a twist over that, too.  Then it's gear-shifting time again....