Help !!!! despratley need advice parental aleantion problem

[rscsmother]

hello  my son is 5 years old his farther is the primary custodial parent and has had him seeing a  liciessend clinical social worker she informed me that my son has  Reactive Attachment Disorder but he has never been abused or kidnapped or adopted hes never been in foster care or anything like that, my son wants nothing to do with me i dont know what to do we have been fighting custody and vistation since he was 3months old. he went to his farthers for vistation when he was 3 months old and his farther did not return him to me we went to court approxmitaley 4 months later and his farther won custody because he had married within thoes 4 months and they became pregant his new bride quit work to stay home, where i worked and was single the judge said that my son was thriving and he saw no need to rip him away from his farther. vistations since has been like a yo yo i give my son every ounce of my energy and love but he rejects me he says things like he only has one mommy and only wants one mommy that im not his mommy that he dosent love me he asks why i wont stop comming to see him why cant i leave him alone. i love my son with every fiber of my being i dont know what to do we are suspsto go to meadtion on febuary 29th 2012 and i have asked for overnight vistations instead of it being at his farthers home with them present but his counslor says that that would be damaging to him i dont know much about this disorder HELP!!!!!!! any advice would b helpful.

[ocean]

Something more going on here. Why do you have supervised visits at his house since a baby? If you tell us the whole story we can help you....
Take a parenting class or at least sign up for one, and tell judge you are taking the class. Take a child cpr class. If you do not believe the diagnosis, see if you can talk to his teacher. Ask if they see this behavior in the classroom. If he truly has it, they will see it there too. It sounds like a kid who may have it but also one that can have alienation issues too. Go talk to his reg dr too and see if they have any documentation about this. Get yourself a counselor who can help you set boundaries for him and give him structure in your home, no matter what is going on he needs it.
Does his father and step mom see behavior issues at their home too or just with you?

[solomonsword]

2.28.2012

My dear rscsmother,

I  am sorry that I am only seeing this the night before the scheduled mediation. I dont know much about the particular situation you are in.  I can only suggest that you try to calm yourself - very hard, I know. It will help you think and react appropriately and you will be a less likely target for all the 'see- she's a mess!' kindof stuff.

Ask to have the therapist explain why overnight visitation is 'bad.'  Ask what you can do to make it happen in the furture if not now. ask what specific things the counselor suggests you as his mother can do to help him with the Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Everything you say should make clear that your first goal is the long term happiness and well being of your son - which includes his secure knowledge that his mother deeply and permanently loves him.  Ask for sessions with the counselor and the child and you.  Make it clear to the mediator [and the father and counselor] that you want, need and have the right to be involved in his treatment, and that you believe it is in the child's best interest that you are.    Later you must read up on this attachnent disorder.
Ask for copies of any and all reports/opinions/tests the counselor has done with your child.

Make it calmly clear that you are not going away.  Your child needs to know this  but right now THE FATHER, MEDIATOR, COUNSELOR NEED TO KNOW THIS!  dONT LET THEM USE THIS DIAGNOSIS AS A REASON FOR YOU TO STEP AWAY OR BE PUSHED AWAY.  Itmight be easier for Dad and Stepmom if you were Gone [and for counselor and mediator] but NOT FOR YOUR SON.   This 'I only want one mommy' stuff may or may not originate with him. but even if it does, try to look at that as a child's way of saying, with his child's solid instincts "there'd be a lot less conflict in my life and Dad and Stepmom would be a lot less tense and altogether nicer  if my real mom werent around ."  I know from personal experience how incredibly painful that is.

Myson was ten when his father took him from me suddenly, with an emergency petition alleging i was an unfit mother and he was endangered. no real specifics. bad housekeeping. mental problems, etc etc [I had become ill with an as yet undiagnosed, diaabling conditon].  Full tilt parental alienation - also stepmother on board. My son lived with his father from then on. I had fairly standard - lousy- 'visitation.'

It takes incredible devotion and perseverance to fight so long for a place in your baby's life. a kindof shitty place at that.   All the horrible wrenching pain shouldve been over with childbirth.  Alas, not for us. But the same Right Stuff that got you and him thru that will get you thru this.  Remember he needs you, no matter what he or anyone else says to the contrary.   Even if you dont get the kind and amount of parenting time you should have, during his whole long life he will be able to look back and know "She loved me. She fought for me. She wanted me. She cared about me."

My son is now 20.  He survived all the nastiness with a good heart and a tender soul. He's in college. We have a good relationship. He's had one girlfirend - a smart, kind, affectionate girl -- so his heart's ok.

Post gain, l want to know how it went. I might be able to offer some more concrete advice iwht more time and info. I will be thinking of you.

ps sure its complicated emotionally with dad,mom,stpmom.  its true for tens of millions of kids.  and none of them are better off if a loving parent is pushed out of the circle.   I think a kid with RAD especially cant afford to lose any loving attention from a person committed to him.