Inconsistent visitation - "formal notice" please help

[kmq73]

Been divorced for 4 years, our agreement outlines that dad has the kids every other weekend, does not state who provides transportation. Previously, he would pick the kids up from my home and drop them off at my home. During that time, if we needed to change pick up/drop off locations, we would.

He started to provide me a schedule of dates that he was available to have the kids, told me that if he wanted to change the agreement at any time, he would. He got remarried last year, moved approx 34 miles away, started the argument of having to drive so far. During this time, he changed the agreement, reduced the visitation from Thurs to Sun to Fri to Sun. He would have our daughter every other Wed, that changed. Visitation began to become very inconsistent. He and his wife had a baby last year, that meant another change. I agreed to meet him halfway on the Fridays, he would continue to drop them off at my home on Sundays.

Fast forward to February 2012. I moved, actually closer in,  and I am getting married in April. I sent an email saying that I moved and now instead of dropping off at my home on Sundays, we can meet at a neutral location both Fridays and Sundays. This has become a battle. I am now agreeing to share transportation and he has resorted to not picking the kids up at all. He didn't see them for 2 months, saying that I am denying him visitation. I sent him an email on Monday, this is the only way we communicate, giving my suggestions of pick up/drop off locations: He picks them up from my home or a location near my home on Fridays, I can pick them up on Sundays from his home or a location near his home.

No agreement, he wants to pickup from my home on Fridays instead. Due to my work schedule and location, I am unable to do this, I explained this in an email to him. I figured a compromise would be me driving to his side of town on Sundays. No agreement. I received an email today saying "refer to my formal notice". Not sure what a formal notice is and not sure what I should do about it.

Please help. I am sorry for the long email but I feel that this is such a tiny issue that can be worked out between the two of us. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Simplydad]

What does your divorce papers say about visitation? 

It does not matter what you ex says if you have a specific ruling. I do applaud that you guys do agree to some extent because the kids need to be with both parents.  However it seem now there seems to be like you said a lot of inconsistency.

My first step in this matter would be to say that you just go with that the divorce documents say.  Then you can sit down and hammer our a good agreement that works with both of you.  However letting your ex determine when and if he feels like seeing his kids is giving a mixed signal I think to the kids and can be very confusing.

There has to be give and take from both sides.

[kmq73]

Thanks, Simplydad. That's been the problem, agreeing. The divorce decree does not state anything about who provides transportation. Not sure if we can get a mediator to help sort this out. I feel like this is an issue we should be able to decide on without getting the court involved. I know there are many parents that have way bigger issues than this. It's hard trying to compromise with someone that wants their way. There have been phone conversations with our 15 year old about how the schedule doesn't accomodate him. Not sure what to do beyond compromising.

[ocean]

First, tell your 15 year old if dad says anything to tell him you are not allowed to relay messages. Even at 15 they should not be put in the middle.
Sounds like he already filed something with the court and you may not get it for a few weeks. Call the courts and see if anything has been filed under your file number. You always keep the same file number but different docket number.
If nothing is there, then email him back:
ex,
Not sure what formal document you are talking about. Until we reach an agreement, I will be following the court order that we have which gives you xx to xx days. As I stated previous, I can not meet you on Fri due to work/kids schedule if you can pick them up from school or meet me later I am willing to work with transportation. Let me know what you want to do and when the next time you will be picking them up so I have them read (or write "your next scheduled visitation is thurs at 5pm, I will have the kids ready, let me know how you want to pick them up").

[Kitty C.]

One adage I have heard here many times is 'He who wants, fetches'.  I know that you said it is inconvenient for you to have him to pick up the kids at your place on Friday nights...so if he were to get the kids on Friday night, how would they get there?  If you are not available to be home for a pick-up, how would you be available to take them to his house?  Just playing the devil's advocate here and trying to understand the dynamics of the situation.

Worse case scenario is that yo will have to go back to court to get the transportation details ironed out.  Before you go that step, you might want to ask him if he'd be willing to go to a mediator with you to hammer out an agreement....to keep this from going to court.  Then once you have an agreement, you can have it submitted to the court to ask that it be added to the CO.

As for him accusing you of withholding parenting time, make sure you document ALL communication regarding this, so that if the issue does end up in court and he makes the same claim, you can disprove it.

[kmq73]

@Ocean, that is indeed what I intend to do. Thanks!

Thanks, Kitty, I welcome all non biased opinions because I try to look at it from each side. I am available on those Fridays, however, am unable to drop them off at his home. I leave work (I work north), pick up both kids from their after school activities and will be at home by the time he arrives. If I were to travel back up north to drop them off at his home, that then becomes an equal driving distance. The argument of "equal drive time" has been a constant issue. Another suggestion would be to meet at a central location at a later time, which I suggested, and he did not agree to that. I suspect the issue here is that he doesn't want to sit in traffic on a Friday evening, as a Sunday drive would be no traffic. This has been an issue for 4 years, I have emails to support that. I have emails that contain interesting words, lol, of course, I save all of them.

[Kitty C.]

Then I would say that 'he who wants, fetches' would work well in your case, especially since there is nothing in your order that defines it.  If he won't go for that, then tell him he will have to take up the issue in court, bottom line.  But if he wants them bad enough, he will come and get them.

[kmq73]

Thanks Kitty and everyone else. I really appreciate you guys taking time to offer suggestions.