Trying to do the right thing

[daisygirl0825]

Hello All,

I was a custodial parent until recently.  Daughter wanted to move in with Dad cause she wanted to get to know him.  After reading several articles and postings, I agreed because a strong relationship with Dad is good for the child.  We signed an agreement for the interim period until everything went to court.  He is understandably upset that I have not sent him a monthly check for the child support he is paying, but all legal advice said that if I paid him directly, it would be considered a gift in the State of Texas.  All monies have been set aside and are ready for immediate payment after the court hearing. He is not satisfied with this.

My issue with what he wants is regarding the rights as primary parent.  He wants all of the stipulations I put in the original decree 10 years ago put on me as the secondary parent.  10 years ago was a very different situation, he had just gotten out of a mental institution, had been arrested for beating on my windows with a loaded gun and trying to kill himself in the presence of the two year old child.  I have not done those things, so I refused to sign an order that his attorney drew up.  I asked that all those stipulations be taken out, and they will not agree.  Our last point of contention is the ability to move without regard to geographical location.  I had put that in the decree because I was living with my parents at the time and he wanted that I could not move out of their house.  I love my parents, but wanted to eventually move into a place of my own.  He wants to be able to move anywhere he wants and I do not agree.

Since he lives 400 miles from me, daughter will continue flying back and forth.  In his presented papers, he wants it stated that I will be responsible to pick her up from his house.  He is notorious for telling me if it is in the decree, that is what we will follow.  I am afraid if the language is that way, it will come back to bite me.

Yesterday I was served with papers for a court hearing.  It says I am difficult and unresponsive and therefore they are asking for attorney's fees and for sole custody.  I had one letter from his attorney, which I responded to with my concerns and never heard anything back.  I have seen daughter only once since she left and he tried to pick her up the day after she came to my house.  I had to threaten to call the police for trespass to prevent him from showing up.  He will not commit to a holiday schedule so I do not know when I would see daughter for the holidays.

Is it in my best interest to fight for custody of daughter and remain the primary parent?  I am very much on the fence about this because I am having a very difficult time seperating my emotions from my reasonable side. 

Since the time of custody exchange, I have found out that he did not leave his current position and he is not home 3 weeks of the month so step mom is raising her.  The largest point of contention with this is we do not get along at all.  When daughter and I got into an argument on the phone step mom took the phone and ended the conversation.  Explained when I could be rational and talk to daughter as an adult (she is 12) then she would determine if I could continue the conversation.  Needless to say, this infuritated me adn I have not called back.  I have a meeting with the attorney tomorrow, I just need some objective advice on how to proceed.  I am afraid I am too close to the situation to see clearly and make good calls.

Thank You

[tigger]

How long has she been there?  Does she still want to live there knowing that the parent she wanted to live with will be gone 3/4 of the time?

[daisygirl0825]

She has been there since the middle of August.  She tells me that she wants to stay cause if she does they will give her his car when she turns 16.  They also told her that she would not have to do chores cause that is what they have a maid for and she would not have to work while she was in school.

I honestly never thought I would hear my child say "I have to pick up my own clothes and put them in the hamper even though we pay a maid..... I have responsibilities...."

Daughter says she is happy and has no desire to come home for visitation or to live here.  Of course if I had a maid, I would be happy too.  Lol

[ocean]

Since child wants to stay there, prob would not win custody back so work on the issues that you want in the papers to protect yourself.
List all the items in number order of what you want in the papers. Ask his lawyer to get back to you with which numbers they agree with and not agree. When you get to court, you will deal with what is left.
Sounds like you need solid wording for the transportation, "father will bring child to xx or xx airports (cheapest flight) and mother will pick up and return at xx airport".
When you get to court the first time, tell your lawyer you want temp orders out of todays hearing...nothing else. Family court usually takes a few times back and forth so you want to know when you will have child to get flights. A child support order can be done at same time. Sometimes lawyers go back and forth and waste court's time and you leave with nothing until next hearing...so make it clear to your lawyer what you are looking for.

[MixedBag]

I'm not sure she has an attorney.

Personally, I'd hang tight and express your concerns in court during a hearing.

My son came to me -- dad was given a very liberal/good settlement (of course IMHO -- but he got more all the way around than I received at the time of the divorce).

Then son went back to dad -- and Dad was also "demanding" this and that.  Details don't matter, but it sounds like it's similar to your situation.

So I sat tight -- and we went to court.....and a GAL was appointed.....and our son was allowed to stay more on my terms than dad's.   

[daisygirl0825]

Thank you.  I meet with my attorney tomorrow, and these are the things I needed help with.

I have resigned myself to the fact daughter is not coming home, but am worried that I will be paying his attorney fees because I do not agree to what he demands.  That scares me because out family cannot afford our attorney and his.

Of course I want daughter to come home and had a little hope that since Dad was not there full time they would say she was better off with me.  It is so hard to say goodbye and know that they choose not to be with you.

[ocean]

Talk to the lawyer, you do have a strong case that you agreed to send her there when father said his job switched and could be there. If that is not the case, you want to raise her and not step-mom. Changing schools will be an issue BUT you are the bio parent and most of us know, step parents do not have hardly any rights. So it is up to you if you want to make it a custody case. It may make him switch jobs if he is able to, so he is home more with her.

[MixedBag]

BTW -- when I followed my gut and stood my ground, the GAL agreed with me.

The JUDGE agreed with me.

[daisygirl0825]

I met with the attorney and she believes that I can make the amendments about removing stipulations that he had, implementing he cannot leave the state and he must pick up and drop off at the airport. 

She did say the judge would most likely not make her change schools and it would be a bigger hurdle since daughter does not want to live with me.  I have decided to leave that alone and hope that it will improve my relationship with daughter.

Attorney also said she did not see how I would be responsible for attorney fees because his new attorney never contacted me to try and work this out and he fired his old attorney before I got a response.  She also said that every parent has a right to legal representation and that does not make someone difficult.

It was a good meeting and I appreciate all the responses.  Sometimes it is hard to see things clearly when my emotions are running high.

A big thank you to you all!!!