Child custody

[Renee]

My husband and I have nine children together.  I am primary of the four from my first marriage and he has five from his first marriage that his ex is primary of.  I posted our whole child support issue under that topic but this seems more important because of the childrens well being.  My step children desired to spend every other week all week long at our house throughout the entire year.  We have that arrangement in the summer.  My husband went to mediation with his ex to discuss this and she literally flipped out.  She would hate to lose some of that child support so two weeks later we had some horrible accusations being made by her.  She said that one of my sons tried molesting my step daughter and that my husband had tried to run her over and she was afraid for her life.  To make a long story short, everything was dropped and the states attorneys and investigators said they knew it was a custody issue from the start.  They even went as far to say that she seems to have mental problems.  In the meantime she had my son in court being accused of something he didn't do.   Everyone knew from the start that nothing happened.  She had accused him of inappropriate touching on the outside of the clothing.  I feel angry because not only does my son have to live the rest of his life with this memory of sitting in front of a judge being accused of something like that but she also has turned my step daughter against us.   Also, now when we want to fight for custody our lawyer says we will have to make my son go through an evaluation to prove he doesn't have any weird sexual tendencies even though it was dropped.  My oldest step son wants to move in with us but is afraid of what his mother will do to him.  They are all afraid of her.  She is remarried.  He seems nice but both lack in morals.  My husband and I are loving Christian parents.  We have been together four years and the kids have never seen us argue.  We had enough of that in our prior relationships.  However, they complain about how much fighting they see in the other household.  She has put all of them into counseling for behavior problems she has with them but we don't see the behaviors she describes to the counselors.  In fact, it is like we are talking about different kids.  We know that it would be best if the kids were either with us more or that the time was every other week as they desire like it is during the summer.  My husband and I not only have a stable relationship but stable jobs unlike his ex and her new husband.  We have a large enough home for all the children.  Only a couple of them share.  Our home is also very clean which is not the case at the other house.  My husband knows from experience that she does not clean and the kids comment on how dirty it is.  We never bad mouth her or try to get information from them.  Everything we hear is voluntary and comes from normal conversation.  We do not believe in putting them in the middle.  However, we have heard numerous times that she hates us along with other slanderous things.  She refers to my husband by his first name when she talks to the kids.  Instead of saying, "your dad is on the phone", she uses his first name.  They have also called him by his first name and when they are told that is not appropriate they say she says it to them.  I could go on and on but I think everyone here knows exactly how it goes sadly enough but can anyone tell me how to get around putting my son through any more than he has already been put through and what about the kids wishes, doesn't that count for anything especially given the emotional abuse by their mom along with other living conditions?  

[4honor]

OK, I am probably the last one to be giving you advice on this, but I suggest you have your son evaluated. This is a "shut-the-F-up" tactic. This situation will continue to be brought up and thrown in your son's face so long as you are your DH's ex's targets.

To make a long story short, we learned December 26, 2004 that my two young DS' were accusing their half brother (SS) of rape and sodomy (he is 7 years older than the oldest of my two boys). We asked that BM do a few things until the accusations could be investigated. Those things were not only to protect anyone else, but to protect SS from any further allegations (real or made up) being brought forward. She freaked and refused to get SS into counseling (as court ordered prior), or to tell him he could no longer babysit. She refused to tell him to leave rooms when younger kids were the only other ones in the room. She refused to speak to authorities. SS suffered because of it. The long and the short of it was that SS took the polygraph and the allegations were true.

SS pled guilty and was sentenced last January. Part of the process in my county is a polygraph. The polygraph is not used in the conviction, but in the sentencing portion of the court case. A child/teen who lies is sentenced more harshly than a child who tells the truth (whatever that truth is.)

Have YOUR expert do a polygraph and evaluation. Also evaluate (no polygraph) the other members of the family. You are going to need that anyway if you are looking to make such a major modification of the custody order. When it comes back clean, you can tell BM where to shove it. If ANYTHING is turned up during the evaluation (either about this matter or any other) then it can be addressed before you get into court and it tanks your whole case.

The thing about the abuse at BM's house is that kids have to make a big deal about it at school, or you have to be able to PROVE it. The fact that the allegation comes from the NCP's house makes the allegation suspect already. ANd the kids' wants can only be heard if you can meet the threshhold for a hearing (differes by state and sometimes county).

As for the distance you are seeing in SD, she is feeling really pressured by a person who can make her life miserable to behave badly toward her father and his "new" family. (Can you tell I have heard this from the kids' perspective before? My Mom was the same way -- very alienating.) She likely feels that your DH is unable or unwilling to rescue her from this situation. Watch her carefully. She will likely look everywhere for other men to rescue her and will be extremely vulnerable to teen pregnacy if nothing improves before she reaches that age.

I will keep your family in my prayers. Send me an email if you need  more of a perspective on what SD is going through and why she is doing what she is doing.

[Mamacass]

I don't know exactly how it works, but you may want to see what would be involved with getting a guardian ad litiem.  It may cost you some money, but they can testify to the fact that your house and family is better equipped for the kids.

[Renee]

Thank you for your reply.  We will take all the advice we can get because we are basically getting slapped around by the not only his ex but the system also for being good parents.  Not only us but our kids.  I am the adult and can handle things but it breaks my heart when it involves the kids.  That is why there is such conflict on getting my son evaluated.  Let me tell you a little about him and you will see the whole picture.  I menioned that my husband and I are Christians.  My son as well is a Christian and been raised in a Christian home since birth.   I know that gives him morals but however does not make him perfect.  I am not in any way saying he is perfect but he is a wonderful person.  He has never been in trouble in school or anywhere.   At home you get the occassional bad attitude of a teenage boy but nothing extreme.  He gets A's and B's in school and excels in sports.  I don't mean to sound like a bragging parent but he has had his name in headlines in the local newspapers for his accomplishments as well as being featured on TV as well.  He is polite and very considerate of others feelings.  He has many friends and an occassional girlfriend (my  14 year old son informs me that the only reason they break up with him is because he is a little to appropriate and won't go beyond kissing) I am very thankful for that and aware that the day won't come when he will take the next step but for now he respects girls.  Again I do not feel he is incapable of making a mistake but I know as long as everyone else including the legal system and his other step siblings that he did not touch his step sister inappropriately.  It was so awful to see him go through that.  I will never be the same because of it and I know that it must be worse for him.  It is so hard for us to justify making him go through that when he is a good kid and makes good desicions and to drag up something that happened over a year ago would now be devestating to him.  He has such a bright future and we don't even know that in the big picture it would make a difference because for starters my step daughter has been "poisened" by her mother and it is really hard to trust the system after what this family has been put through.  What if it didn't matter?  It is hard enough to not think about it every day when I look at him.  I always wonder if he thinks about it.  The damage could be to the point that it changes him.   The evaluation was explained to us.  It was some pretty graphic pictures and some very personel questions.  We just can't put him through that when the outcome might not be what we were hoping for because in the end we could end up losing more.  We are hoping that since they already spent last summer here a week at a time that the judge would see that there isn't a concern on anybody's part.  We are in the process of taking the kids into a counselor to get their wishes documented by a professional.  I have also considered having my son talk to someone just in case there is a lingering aftermath from the accusations and I have consulted a counselor who agreed that the evaluation could be harmful to him but so could seeking counseling at this point because he may look at it that we think there IS something wrong with him.  The thing I wanted most in this world is to be a mom and God blessed me with nine children and when it comes to them I just want to proceed with caution to make sure their best interests come first....not mine or anybody else's.  I just hope some day my step daughter can see this.  Please don't think that we are choosing my son over her that is not the case at all.  It is hard to fit all the details into one post but we have reached out to her, talked to her counselor, wrote letters, emailed, etc.  but her mom stands in the way every time and without access to her and not being able to counteract the lies she's told it is out of our hands.

[4honor]

Your son sounds mature for 14. I think the best thing would be to make sure he understands that his step siblings desire to change the court order they are currently under and that the consequences of that could mean this whole thing will be brought up again (not by you and your family but by BM's side). Let him know that an evaluation will likely take place, but that if you do it under your own terms and with your own expert, the outcome will be better. Ask him how he feels about all that. It may come down to telling the Skids NO in order to protect your son's psyche. Or he may CHOOSE to go through it (a chosen sacrifice is easier to bear than one thrust upon you). I suggest some stress management classes for everyone over the age of 12 if you all go forward with this (it is about getting TOOLS not treatment.)

 I am sorry that your family has had to go through this. Remember, that your SD is basically a hostage. She will do or say whatever she must to survive in her present environment. I did it as a kid and I was 17 when my parents divorced. I CHOSE to say hurtful things because the alternative was more painful. I KNEW it was wrong when I said it, but at the end of the day, my father didn't have to go back and live with the monster my mother had become. The isolation had the result of making me beleive my father was "an ineffective little man". He is really a kind gentle man who knew nothing of what my mother put us all through. But I could not trust that the man who had always loved me and kept me safe could keep me safe from HER. I became her lackey. I did awful things, said awful things, lied and spied and was generally rotten. It ate me up inside doing it, but it was less painful than the mental abuse I withstood at my mother's hands. There was physical abuse too, but it wasn't as necessary at that time to keep me "on her side". Loyalty was tested daily and any lack was punished swiftly.

I say do not go rushing into this until you have more information about what it will mean for your family as a whole.

[Renee]

We appreciate very much your advice.  I am just sorry that you know so much about this subject because you have lived it.  I really can't understand sometimes how some women lack their motherly  instincts.   I am by no means perfect but I can honestly say that my kids have and always will come first.  That is why this is hard in the beginning because I felt that it was my fault for being remarried.  I thought that my husbands ex couldn't have used my step daughter like this if he hadn't been remarried and that my son wouldn't have had to go through this if that woman hadn't ever been in our lives.  How could I deny all or our children two loving parents and stability even if for some of the kids it is only part of the time?  I am married to a wonderful loving man that treats me and all of our kids very well and shows us he loves us every day and we work very hard together to treat all the kids equal.  Biological doesn't have much of a meaning in our house and the only time people know the difference if they don't know us is if we tell them.   He told me that she would have done this or something similar no matter if he was married again or single just because it would hurt him.   Her own parents called her an emotional terrorist. They said she has always been like this and loves to see other people hurting.   They used to be on our side when my husband and I were first together because they wanted for us to have the children with us.  She was too busy partying and bringing a different man home every night and when we went to take legal action to change things she kissed back up to her parents for financial reasons and they bought it.   The worst part is that they just enable her to keep hurting her children.   They are no better than her in my eyes.   I wish there was some way that we could prove she has a mental illness.   We do pray for her that she will change for the kids sake.  I get so envious at times when someone gets to have a "good" ex.   I know that God will see us through.  After all,  He brought us together.  

Again, thank you for your advice and insight.  It helps to talk to people who understand. That is why I was in search for someplace I could find that and I told my husband it helps to get advice from people that know about these situations and can help us figure out  what next step to take.  Unfortunately, it means that they have gone through it themselves.   I will keep you and your family in my prayers.  Especially your boys for continuing healing.  I am very sorry for what they went through also.  God Bless.  

[Renee]

I had never heard of a guardian ad litiem before.  I told my husband about it and I think it won't hurt to try.  It seems everything we have tried so far hasn't worked.  We just keep paying a lawyer to get no where.  I know part of that is due to the law of course but we keep thinking there has to be somewhat of an easier way and that the system surely has to see at some point that the kids have a better chance in life with a stable environment.  Thank you for the information.  God Bless.