False allegations cleared... protection for the future...?

[stepmomhelpingbiodad]

Hi,

I am a stepmom who lives in CA whom is attempting to best help my husband the biodad (BD) as well as provide the best and most sane possible life for my stepdaughter who is 5.  I have been in her life since she was 2.  To give an overview, we have previously cleared BD of sexual abuse charges, but are trying to think of a way to protect ourselves from future false claims from biomom (BM) that are targeted through our manipulated child. 

To be clear, my husband and I do not use any corporal punishment and use positive reinforcement and time outs to shape our child's behavior.  My husband is one of the best father's possible!  Also, based on my career, I guarantee you I would be the first to bust him if he ever abused his daughter. 

The false claim that was cleared
Weeks before my marriage to BD, a false allegation of sexual abuse was made against my husband by stepdaughter and BM at the doctor's office (a visit supposed to be for a flu shot where mom insisted that daughter pull down her pants and show the doctor her "red vagina" and tell doctor who did it). 

Stepdaughter and I have a great relationship (she tells me she wants to grow up and be a stepmom like me) and she reported to me later that she "lied" and her mother had told her "bad things would happen to her at the wedding" and she was scared.  Stepdaughter stated she lied to doctor and police because she was scared that if she didn't keep lying that she herself would be in trouble and go to jail (the poor darling, this breaks my heart).  BD and I hired a lawyer to help clear his name who actually did advise him to take a polygraph, which he did and passed with clear stamp of approval that he had in no way abused his daughter.  Police detective cleared us and so did CPS.

Information about BM
BM's father is bipolar and it is likely she is also bipolar.  BM was clearly furious that BD divorced her and has told daughter things like "Daddy doesn't love you. Daddy abandoned you. Daddy isn't your daddy anymore."  She has also told daughter inappropriate and untrue things like "Daddy cheated on me with that woman (me) and that's why he's not with me anymore."  This has brought my stepdaughter untold amounts of crying and heartache where she has been absolutely distraught and confused about what is going on in her life.   

What is making me worried now:

Stepdaughter now has come home asking me "Does my daddy hit you? Does my daddy hit me? I'm so confused about if he does."  Later she essentially tells me that her mother has told her that her father "Keeps your room a mess and hits you!" She says she is very confused why her mother would tell her this if it's not true.  She also says that when her mom is happy she doesn't say these things, but when her mom is mad she says these things about her dad and me.

No claim has been made against us yet, but I am wondering how do we preemptively protect ourselves with this information and protect our daughter who is being manipulated?

1) Regarding getting more custody: We had a consult with a child psychological custody evaluator who stated that for us to get more custody that basically we could spend over $30000 in evaluations of mother and child as well as court time, and depending on the judge's mood we may or may not get more custody of the daughter.  Also, he said that actually moving forward with court evals etc. could activate the mother and make her more angry and say  more things to the daughter that are damaging to her and us.  We do not want to hurt her any further and feel absolutely helpless regarding attempting to get more custody... like we are d*&#@! if we do and d*(&^%$ if we don't for this little girl's future.  Do any of you have any different ideas or thoughts on this?  We want to protect her and have her in a safe environment where she is not being brainwashed.

2) Regarding protecting ourselves against false claims: Is there anything we can do about false claims to protect ourselves in the future?  It is clear that the first claim she had our daughter lie but she herself did not say anything and acted unsuspecting of the information. In this potential next claim regarding physical abuse, what can we do? We think it's coming next but how do you protect yourself against something that has never happened and is being forced upon a child?

Sorry for the long message.  Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.  I don't want my stepdaughter not knowing the difference between reality and non reality.  I don't want my husband and I doing jail time or separated from visitation for offenses that we did not commit.

Thank you.
Stepmom helping biodad (and trying to make a sane life for stepdaughter)

[ocean]

How often do you see SD? Can you interview some child counselors and find a good one you like, and start bringing SD on your days? You can also the courts to order court ordered counseling. This way child has someone to talk to, you can tell counselor your concerns and everything can be documented. Also, if you have joint legal custody, send the doctor a letter that you want copies of child's records (good letter on this site for that, quotes law) and that you want to know when future appointments come up. Call every few weeks and ask if any appointments have been made. Show child love and have family time when she is with you. Tell her you love her and that the adults will deal with it but she should always tell the truth. A good child psychologist "should" be able to help her. Mom may try to pull her from counseling when she finds out so that is why you may want to find someone, start it, then ask the courts to modify order to" "father requests the courts to order continued counseling for daughter as therapist recommends more sessions and mother is refusing to allow child to attend. Father requests the court order counseling with DR XX (name doctor so mom can not change it) and that the child can not be pulled from counseling without both parents consent or the courts.".

[stepmomhelpingbiodad]

Thank you for that advice!  We see SD about 25-35% of the time.  Will definitely look into the court ordered counseling. I also appreciate that information regarding the doctor's appointments.  Do you think it wise that we trade pediatricians or stay with the pediatrician and inform her of what happened? Or should we start bringing our daughter to doctor's appointments?  I just don't want to do anything that looks suspicious when all we are trying to do is circumvent possible false accusations in the future.

[ocean]

You will probably have to stick with the same pediatrician. The Dr does not get the results of the CPS investigation, just when the case is closed with no particulars. Use the letter on here for full copy of records. See what is there, in that letter it requests to put dad's information on her chart. Get that info first before you tell dr anything , may have to send a copy of the closed CPS case and that you are entitled to her records.

[tigger]

When you say "our daughter" are you referring to SD or a daughter you have with DH?  I would caution against referring to her as "our daughter" on here (as it's confusing. I first thought you were considering taking a biological daughter to the same doctor as the SD) and in any venue that the BM could find out about it or the courts could hear it.