Go to Trial??

[limitedgrace]

My husband & I have been in the throes of the Family Court for the last couple of years.  First some history:  Messy divorce in the state of Washington (WA), ex was allowed to move across the state despite my husband's objection, and he moved to be near kids after a year or so.  That's when we met.  He pursued more time with kids, but Courts beat him down and we were forced to move 6 hours away to pursue a better job market that allows for him to meet his Court obligation and for me to be employed at a level suitable to my higher education.

The custody arrangement in effect currently is basically useless as it was written with the assumption that both parents live near each other.  So at present, we are at the mercy of an uncooperative ex who has stated that the role of the childrens' father is to PAY.  Mediation was required, and after 3 hours, we were confident we had made progress...until a week later when the ex changed her mind and refused to continue mediation citing that she disagreed with everything, including the choice of mediator.  She blatently violated the custody order and despite efforts to hold her accountable and in contempt, the Court ruled in her favor, dismissing the violation and stating that she was not at fault as she is a "busy mom".  (So if she is speeding to soccer practice due to lack of planning, she will not be written a ticket based on this premise??  This is truly faulty logic at work.) 

The child support order has already been modified to reflect my husband's increased income, which is fine, however the calculation by the Commissioner assumed that he made more for the past year than the actual numbers reflected and she criticized his tax withholding amounts.  This level of scrutiny was not applied to the custodial parent, who is a high-earner, which also pushes my husbands obligation higher.  Why are we playing by separate sets of rules?

We are assigned one Commissioner in the county who has a clear bias against my husband and there is no system for requesting reassignment - it's a small County and there is no one else.  The Commissioners are not elected officials, they are employees of the County, and the system for filing a compliant against them places an enormous burden of proof upon us - and the likely result would only create further bias against my husband as the non-custodial parent. 

Family Law reform is not happening any time soon.  We are now faced with going to trial in August (1 year after starting the process with mediation) and having a judge determine the custody plan.  He has not been on the bench long so our attorney has no history to know how he may rule.  After reading about Social Security Title IV-D and other resources, I am questioning the risk of further emotional and financial cost.  I am asking myself if we are fighting in the wrong battle.  Is it smarter to let her feel as though she has won, because likely, she WILL win in court.  Again.  Apparently there is no one in the legal community who values parental equality and relationship over popularity and money.  I'm disgusted and defeated and hurting for my husband and for his two beautiful children whom we love to the ends of the earth.  Do you fight for what is RIGHT and GOOD in a broken system at the expense of your well-being?  Or do you let the custodial parent have their way, making the best of what little time you get and hoping for some peace in an otherwise high-conflict situation?

May God bless you all with peace and favor.  Your prayers for our situation are very much appreciated.

[limitedgrace]

Update:
We've decided not to go to trial.  I can't say it's an easy decision, especially after all of this time, effort, and money spent in legal fees.  I wish we had known much earlier just how bad our odds were - but ultimately it may be a lesson you can only learn from experiencing it.

Ultimately it came down to the effects of heartache and stress on the kids and not further damaging our financial well-being, which would again effect the kids.  The ex will stop at nothing and she finds lawyers who are ruthless... so our only out is to agree with her and make the best of it.  We seem to get farther when she feels unthreatened, unquestioned, and as though she is winning. 

I could write for hours about the injustice, the effects on everyone involved, the lack of character and ethical standards, and so on and so forth.  But you all already know these things in your own hearts.  So I'm not going to dredge it all up.  Instead I'm going to do my best to hold my head high, encourage my fantastic husband to keep trekking the high road, and enjoy the special moments with 2 amazing kiddos all in hopes that they will know our love deep down in their little bellies. 

May you all be blessed!