Retaining Custody what are the odds?

[escape2paradise]

I will apologize in advance, as my story is a lengthy one.  

I have a 13-year-old daughter.  My X left when she was 1 yr old.  I have raised her since with him having regular visitation.  Not on a set schedule, but liberal and at both of our convenience.  He has paid support about half the time, and at about half of what the state would require.  My X is not on the birth certificate and we have no legal custody/visitation agreement.  I remarried when my daughter was 3 and have remained married to dh for almost 10 yrs.  DH and I have two boys together.

Until the last year and a half my X and I have maintained a very amicable relationship.  Not to say that we didn't have our arguments and disagreements, but we were always able to put them behind us and get along for the sake of our daughter.  

I have always taken the responsibility for raising our daughter as my X has been more interested in partying.  Daughter has had a stable home her whole life.  Is a 4.0 student.  Plays softball and soccer.  Plays the flute, the guitar and takes acting lessons.  In other words she is a healthy thriving 13 year old.  Her teachers, coaches lover her!  

DH has always had a steady job, I run a small business out of our home.  I have always provided her medical, dealt with all her Dr, Dental, Teacher conferences, signed her up for her extracurricular activities, DH coaches her softball team etc.....  X has never asked to be included in any of these responsibilities.  I'm sure he doesn't even know her Dr's name though she has had the same one since she was 4 yrs.

He has been in drug treatment 3 or 4 times, I've lost count.   He hasn't held a job but for maybe a total of 3 out of the last 13 yrs and hasn't had one at all in the last 6 yrs.  He receives state medical.  According to him this is due to Adult ADD.  I think he has antisocial personality disorder, but I am no expert I have only read much about it and it seems to fit him to a T.   He has a criminal record with a few misdemeanors, one being 3rd degree theft last year and a bazillion driving infractions.  He has been in every jail in the surrounding 5 counties due to his not paying his tickets, failure to appears etc...

When my daughter was 9 he up and disappeared one day.  Left his house, his dogs etc...and no one knew where he was.  This was just after his last round of treatment and we all assumed the worse.  Of course my daughter was devastated to say the least and very worried.  She cried herself to sleep for 4 months.  6 months after the disappearance he shows back up says all is good and wants to see our daughter.  He had found himself a gf and was supposedly back on track.  

Since then he has significantly improved his life at least by his own standards.  He seems to measure his worth as an individual by what he owns and his standard of living.  Which despite his not working is rather cushy.  DH and I have a good idea of how he and his now supposed wife,  I say supposed as I am 99% sure the "Marriage" is not real, earn their money.  Daughter has told us some stories and my X has admitted much of it to me.    

We started having trouble when he became engaged and moved 80+ miles away.   We had a blow up one night and he refused to speak to me afterward.  I thought this odd since we have always had our disputes.  Anyway,  his wife/gf calls me and since we get along she has decided that she and I will now communicate.  I'm like whatever,  I don't have the time or energy to join my X's pity party.  Big mistake on my part as I now believe she started the wedge and is behind most of the turmoil today.  

Two months ago my X  decided that he would now like to be a participating parent and have his "parental rights"  legally.  At first I thought, I don't have a problem with most of his requests as really we already have such an arrangement, but if he wants all his rights in black and white then I want to establish that I have physical custody in this agreement.  Now all of  a sudden he tells me that my daughter wants to live with him.  He served me with parentage paperwork and a temporary parenting plan that would establish him as the custodial parent.  Also he falsely accuses my husband of domestic abuse because we yell in our house and my husband punched a hole in the wall 4 years ago.  We go to court in a few weeks.

I have spoken with my daughter and she says she would like to have an opportunity to live with her dad since she has lived with me all along.  While I understand her feelings, I do not think it is in her best interest.  My X's family doesn't think it would be in her best interest.  I am close to his entire family and my family is regularly invited to their family functions, weddings, b-days etc.... Nobody that knows the both of us thinks this is a good idea.  

What are the odds that the courts would remove her from my care based on the above info?  Sorry it is so lengthy but it really is only the tip of the iceberg!

[Jade]

>I will apologize in advance, as my story is a lengthy one.  
>
>I have a 13-year-old daughter.  My X left when she was 1 yr
>old.  I have raised her since with him having regular
>visitation.  Not on a set schedule, but liberal and at both of
>our convenience.  He has paid support about half the time, and
>at about half of what the state would require.  My X is not on
>the birth certificate and we have no legal custody/visitation
>agreement.  I remarried when my daughter was 3 and have
>remained married to dh for almost 10 yrs.  DH and I have two
>boys together.
>
>Until the last year and a half my X and I have maintained a
>very amicable relationship.  Not to say that we didn't have
>our arguments and disagreements, but we were always able to
>put them behind us and get along for the sake of our daughter.
>
>
>I have always taken the responsibility for raising our
>daughter as my X has been more interested in partying.
>Daughter has had a stable home her whole life.  Is a 4.0
>student.  Plays softball and soccer.  Plays the flute, the
>guitar and takes acting lessons.  In other words she is a
>healthy thriving 13 year old.  Her teachers, coaches lover
>her!  
>
>DH has always had a steady job, I run a small business out of
>our home.  I have always provided her medical, dealt with all
>her Dr, Dental, Teacher conferences, signed her up for her
>extracurricular activities, DH coaches her softball team
>etc.....  X has never asked to be included in any of these
>responsibilities.  I'm sure he doesn't even know her Dr's name
>though she has had the same one since she was 4 yrs.
>
>He has been in drug treatment 3 or 4 times, I've lost count.  
>He hasn't held a job but for maybe a total of 3 out of the
>last 13 yrs and hasn't had one at all in the last 6 yrs.  He
>receives state medical.  According to him this is due to Adult
>ADD.  I think he has antisocial personality disorder, but I am
>no expert I have only read much about it and it seems to fit
>him to a T.   He has a criminal record with a few
>misdemeanors, one being 3rd degree theft last year and a
>bazillion driving infractions.  He has been in every jail in
>the surrounding 5 counties due to his not paying his tickets,
>failure to appears etc...
>
>When my daughter was 9 he up and disappeared one day.  Left
>his house, his dogs etc...and no one knew where he was.  This
>was just after his last round of treatment and we all assumed
>the worse.  Of course my daughter was devastated to say the
>least and very worried.  She cried herself to sleep for 4
>months.  6 months after the disappearance he shows back up
>says all is good and wants to see our daughter.  He had found
>himself a gf and was supposedly back on track.  
>
>Since then he has significantly improved his life at least by
>his own standards.  He seems to measure his worth as an
>individual by what he owns and his standard of living.  Which
>despite his not working is rather cushy.  DH and I have a good
>idea of how he and his now supposed wife,  I say supposed as I
>am 99% sure the "Marriage" is not real, earn their money.
>Daughter has told us some stories and my X has admitted much
>of it to me.    
>
>We started having trouble when he became engaged and moved 80+
>miles away.   We had a blow up one night and he refused to
>speak to me afterward.  I thought this odd since we have
>always had our disputes.  Anyway,  his wife/gf calls me and
>since we get along she has decided that she and I will now
>communicate.  I'm like whatever,  I don't have the time or
>energy to join my X's pity party.  Big mistake on my part as I
>now believe she started the wedge and is behind most of the
>turmoil today.  
>
>Two months ago my X  decided that he would now like to be a
>participating parent and have his "parental rights"  legally.
>At first I thought, I don't have a problem with most of his
>requests as really we already have such an arrangement, but if
>he wants all his rights in black and white then I want to
>establish that I have physical custody in this agreement.  Now
>all of  a sudden he tells me that my daughter wants to live
>with him.  He served me with parentage paperwork and a
>temporary parenting plan that would establish him as the
>custodial parent.  Also he falsely accuses my husband of
>domestic abuse because we yell in our house and my husband
>punched a hole in the wall 4 years ago.  We go to court in a
>few weeks.
>
>I have spoken with my daughter and she says she would like to
>have an opportunity to live with her dad since she has lived
>with me all along.  While I understand her feelings, I do not
>think it is in her best interest.  My X's family doesn't think
>it would be in her best interest.  I am close to his entire
>family and my family is regularly invited to their family
>functions, weddings, b-days etc.... Nobody that knows the both
>of us thinks this is a good idea.  
>
>What are the odds that the courts would remove her from my
>care based on the above info?  Sorry it is so lengthy but it
>really is only the tip of the iceberg!
>

I hope you have a lawyer.  I don't think a judge is going to change the status quo since your child is obviously thriving in your care.  I would definitely address the sporadic visitation and the fact that he didn't always pay his child support.  And that when he did, he didn't pay the full amount.  While child support and visitation are separate issues.  This history shows a lack of willingness to support his child.  

[Ref]

it seems like you have a pretty good case. Judges don't like to take kids out of a home that is thriving because the kid wants to see how th other side lives.

Get his criminal/arrest record. Get any evidence, and I mean stuff that is hard to refute, on the drug issue.

He can falsly accuse of DV, but I think that happens a lot and I can't image a judge would think a kid doing so well was in a harmful environment.

Also, be careful the points you bring up in court. Some of them are not relevant and could make you look petty. One of them is that he may or may not be legally married. It has no bearing on the case and really nothing to do with the wellbeing of your child. Another is CS. It sounds like you never had CS set, so you can't complain that he is only paying half of what you compute.

I would also put together a spreadsheet of the past 3 years and how much he has seen your daughter.

It is a good thing that he wants everything spelled out. Honestly, I am impressed that your way of working things out has done so well this long. DH had an awfully vague one for 9 years and suffered bending over backwards for BM, when she wouldn't budge when he needed flexibility. She got worse over time and DH has to take her to court. Her arguement was the same. "Everything was great and out of the blue he wanted everything in writing. I always gave him flexibility." Not to say you are like her. I hope not. Now DH sees SD over 70 times as much (we are the one in a stable home and she is the welfare mom). Be happy about spelling things out and don't be too concerned about anything else.

Another thing, bring in report cards and anything else to show she is happy & healthy. Pictures sometimes can be helpful. This stuff might not be admitted into court, but you might as well try.

Best wishes (you will be fine)

Ref

[mistoffolees]

Make sure you have a good lawyer - it's worth the cost.

Courts don't like changing things when the status quo is working. The one wild card is that she's 13 and pretty close to the point where the courts will take her wishes seriously - particularly since she's providing a pretty mature rationale rather than "I hate my mother because she makes me clean my room" kind of crap. It's entirely possible that she could get her wish - if not this year, then maybe next year or the year after.

By the way, you have a HUGE trump card here. Unless I'm misreading this, if you do end up back in court, you could ask for about 13 years of back child support. The fact that he has been paying is irrelevant since there's no court order. He could end up owing you an enormous amount of money. You would probably have to force a paternity test, first. Of course, unless he gets a paternity test, he may not have ANY rights (depends on your state laws).

I'm not advocating that kind of crap - it's far too common in divorce cases and causes more heartache than anyone can imagine. But if he's going to start causing trouble, I guess my scruples allow the use of ammunition like that to shut him down.

Seems to me that the best thing at present would be a defined parenting plan with liberal visitation spelled out so that your daughter can spend more time with him but with you retaining sole legal custody. After that goes on for several years, your daughter may decide she wants to live with him full time (by the time she's 15 or 16, you probably can't stop it) or she may decide she likes it the way it is.

[Mamacass]

I'm thinking that you shouldn't have a problem keeping custody.  As others have said, the courts are not interested in changing the status quo as long as it is working.  
I think it probably is a good idea for both sides if you get all visitation and child support set up through the courts.  That way, you know what money you can expect from BF, and he knows what time he can expect with his daughter.  
Question, has BF been at all involved in your daughter's extra-curriculars?  Has he showed up to any games or recitals?  Because if not, that's another plus for you.  Your attorney can point out that if he really wanted to be so involved in the child's life, he would have tried to attend activities that are important to her.
 
Yes you could ask for back child support, that doesn't make it right.  If you were ok with what you were getting before he brought up all of this, then I think that filing for back pay, as Mistoffolees suggested, would just be vindictive.  Being on the other side of this (you can read my post in Father's Rights forum) I have to say that I think very little of those who use child support to get back at someone.  You may come out on top money wise, but it will make you appear as a hateful, vengeful person to everyone in the court room.  If my SS when he's older ever wants to know the whole dirty truth about everything that went on in court, I'm sure he will see his BM in a whole new, very ugly light.  
Sorry, guess I'm still a little bitter about our court hearing,  I'm sure you are a much better person, and from the sound of your post it seems that you have been very reasonable.  From what you say, and speaking from my experinces, the BF should really be thankful to have you as the mother of his child.  

[mistoffolees]

I think you misread my post. I wasn't suggesting that she actually collect the child support - just use it as a bargaining chip to keep the daughter.

Also, I'm not convinced it's going to be a slam-dunk like everyone else seems to think. While the odds are pretty good that the mother will keep the daughter, you have a 13 year old who appears to be quite mature who wants a change for what seems like a good reason. I don't think the courts will just dismiss that out of hand.

[janM]

How about suggesting your daughter spend a lot of time there this summer? It could be a "trial run" for her, if she thinks she wants to live there. They could play "disneyland" parents for a while, but maybe after a few weeks the novelty would wear off. Does she have activities in the summer? Dad would have to take her to them, do you think he would?

This happens so often when they get a new gf/wife. They want to impress them, or the SO is the one who pushes them to be a parent.

As long as you don't live in Georgia, where the kids can choose where to live after a certain age, I think your daughter would have to have some good reasons to change before a judge would grant her wish.

Ask for an evaluation of both homes. Good luck.

[escape2paradise]

>Get his criminal/arrest record. Get any evidence, and I mean
>stuff that is hard to refute, on the drug issue.

I have witnesses for this and have gotten info on his arrests and convictions so am in the process of obtaining public records for these.  My attorney is also going to request drug testing as I know he still does at least marijuana.  

>He can falsly accuse of DV, but I think that happens a lot and
>I can't image a judge would think a kid doing so well was in a
>harmful environment.

DH is extremely hurt by these accusations as he has always been kind and respectful to X,  inviting him on family  outing and even trying to help him make friends with others who aren't druggies etc....Daughter doesn't think she is abused verbally or otherwise, but X tells her she is just used to it.  Yes, we yell at our kids occasionally, sometimes you need to get their attention immediately.  We do not however, belittle, call them names etc...

>Also, be careful the points you bring up in court. Some of
>them are not relevant and could make you look petty. One of
>them is that he may or may not be legally married. It has no
>bearing on the case and really nothing to do with the
>wellbeing of your child. Another is CS.

I didn't think this would really matter either, however,  my attorney says that it could help us.  HE says that since they represented themselves to the courts as married, it is fraud.  They also had a big wedding, accepted gifts etc...This along with the insurance scam will hopefully show that these two will lie to get what they want even to the court.

>I would also put together a spreadsheet of the past 3 years
>and how much he has seen your daughter.

This may be hard as it has never been a set schedule. I have documented the last 3 months.

>It is a good thing that he wants everything spelled out.
>Honestly, I am impressed that your way of working things out
>has done so well this long. DH had an awfully vague one for 9
>years and suffered bending over backwards for BM, when she
>wouldn't budge when he needed flexibility. She got worse over
>time and DH has to take her to court. Her arguement was the
>same. "Everything was great and out of the blue he wanted
>everything in writing. I always gave him flexibility." Not to
>say you are like her. I hope not.

I believe I have been more than fair with my X, considering what kind of an example he has been for our daughter.  What really perplexes me, is if he doesn't win custody, he will probably see her less.  My attorney says due to the distance EO weekend, holiday, 30 days in summer etc...When if you look at just the last 3 months he's had her all but 3 weekends for at least one day.  After he is putting my family through this I am not inclined to be flexible any longer.  If he want's it in B&W then that is what he will get.  No more last minute rescheduling, changing times, locations etc...I'm done being nice, it doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere but screwed.  Everybody he knows tells him how easy he has it with me,  no stringent child support amount or schedule,  access to our daughter whenever, for he and his family.  I know this because he has told me this many, many times and so has his family.

>Another thing, bring in report cards and anything else to show
>she is happy & healthy. Pictures sometimes can be helpful.
>This stuff might not be admitted into court, but you might as
>well try.

I do have all of this and will also get a copy of her school records

Thanks so much for your input and your well wishes!  I know my Daughter is better off with us, I only hope that the court can see this all for what it really is.  

[escape2paradise]

>By the way, you have a HUGE trump card here. Unless I'm
>misreading this, if you do end up back in court, you could ask
>for about 13 years of back child support. The fact that he has
>been paying is irrelevant since there's no court order. He
>could end up owing you an enormous amount of money. You would
>probably have to force a paternity test, first. Of course,
>unless he gets a paternity test, he may not have ANY rights
>(depends on your state laws).

My attorney has discussed this with me and I don't really want to go there, but will use it as a bargaining chip if necessary.  As far as the paternity test, he has already filed paperwork to establish parentage.  Evidently a test is only necessary if I deny he is the father.

[escape2paradise]

I had already agreed for her to spend about 6 weeks with him this summer.  I wouldn't mind the whole summer, as you suggested.  I think this could definitely give her a good dose of reality.  However,  she does have softball until the end of June and then starts soccer in mid August.  Summer here is mid june until after labor day.  He is not willing to take her to her sports and doesn't want her to play anymore as it is inconvenient for him.  She has played sports since she was 5 and this was never an issue until his last move.  When daughter was 4  DH and bought a house and moved closer to X, within 10 miles.  But then when X pulled his disappearing act he resurfaced 40 miles away.  That was hard enough as he wasn't able to attend her games etc...like he used to.  Both myself and my daughter voiced concern about the distance to him, not that it mattered.  When he got "engaged" instead of moving closer he again moved further away, about 80 miles difference now.  Mind you this move wasnt' because of jobs, more likely it is more of the same from him.  He has always moved every couple of years to get away from those he has ticked off when he's been drugging.