Appropriate and healthy visitation schedule for my 15 month old?

[joint-custody mommy]

My ex and I have agreed that we want joint custody of our 15 month old son, however we do not agree on how the schedule should work! He wants to do a week on, week off type of deal. I completely think that my son should spend frequent amounts of time with his father, but i do not know if he is ready to be away from me for that long and his home that he is used to...or be away from his father that long. I would rather my son have one home he sleeps at and wakes up in regularly, to minimize stress and make him feel more secure (he is also about to transition from being with his stay at home mommy to daycare as well). I do think he should spend overnights with his father, just not that long of a period. Am I in the right to be concerned? What are typical, healthy schedules for a 15 month old? (I am his primary care taker, but he also has a very strong bond with his father)

[MixedBag]

I don't agree with you....really.


I've had to share my kids with their father and they've been away from me thanks to geography for weeks at a time.


So...how about this idea?


For a month -- do long weekends -- like Friday to Monday mornings.


then the next month move to Thursday to Monday mornings.


then the next month move to Thursday to Tuesday mornings.


then the next month move to Wednesday to Tuesday mornings.


and finally Wednesday to Wednesday.


LONG term, you two will have to live in the same school district to keep this working.


EVERYONE will need to adjust and it can be done.


I personally personally think switching out on a Wednesday leaves a weekend totally intact for both sides of the family.


Then when you add in switching back and forth for holidays -- life or a schedule can get complicated -- but IT CAN WORK if you two as parents put the child first.

[ocean]

Sorry, but your child has two houses, two families, and will have two beds/toys/room. Re-read your post. You kept saying "my son". It is his son too.
It will work if you want it to work. You will save a LOT of time in family court and money if you learn to agree.
Think about if you were the father and just because you are not living together, it should not make your time with your child any less.

Kids cope very very easily. With computers/ipads/phones you can have video telephone calls so he can see you both.

If you do the 50/50, put in the first right of refusal. This means that either of you need a babysitter that you will call the other parent first before any other family member or babysitter. (put in strong wording for this so there is no issue later one...when parent is gone more than 3 hours or something).
Good luck!

[Waylon]

He wants to do a week on, week off type of deal. I completely think that my son should spend frequent amounts of time with his father, but i do not know if he is ready to be away from me for that long and his home that he is used to.

A week on, week off arrangement is fine for a 15-month old. Other than possible logistical issues (transportation, possibly) there isn't any reason not to do a week on, week off schedule.

[MixedBag]

Ultimately, I agree with you Waylon....and that's why I suggested that mom get there from here and compromise with an aggressive plan to get to that point.

Mom doesn't want to -- that's obvious, but if she sees that this will work and keeps taking aggressive baby steps forward to that point, then her fears will be eased as well. 

[Giggles]

I agree with the others and here's why....children are more resilient than you may think.


When my X and I divorced our daughter was also 15 months old.  We did joint custody with a week on week off schedule.  I was a stay at home Mom which also meant that now baby girl would be going to Daycare as well.  The benefit I had was that I ended up working at the Daycare where she attended.


So how did things work for us and her.  It was quite beneficial for all actually!


We did our exchanges on Fridays with a Tuesday night dinner for the other parent.  So if I had baby girl for the week, on Tuesday's her Pappa would pick her up from Daycare and spend the evening with her, then bring her back to my place a little before bedtime.  I would do the same on his weeks.


This works really well if you also put up a calendar in each of your places.  Highlight the weeks she has with Dad in blue, then highlight the weeks she is with you in Pink.  Then the day before the exchange takes place, talk to her about going to see Daddy.  We did our exchanges at the daycare.  So Friday morning (on my weeks) I would bring her to daycare and then that evening her Father would pick her up.  Thursday night and Friday morning I would show her the calendar and say "OH look who's going to see Pappa tomorrow!  YEAH"  I did this in a happy voice and I would clap my hands.  She loved it and it removed any anxiety that could build.


My X and I also had a strict "Right to first refusal".  What that means is if during our week, if we needed someone to watch baby girl, the other parent would be asked first before seeking a babysitter.  Since X was in the Army at the time, this worked well for me so I got lots of extra time with her.


A week on week off schedule is a simple plan to follow and it allows EQUAL time for both of you.  Children NEED both parents and one is no better than the other.


As for my baby girl....she is now 21.  She's a senior in college with a 3.9 gpa.  To this day her father and I still converse regarding her.  Over the years we learned that we could be friends and this was vital when she hit her teens...OMG!!  She would get so mad because she found she couldn't pit us against each other....LOL!!


It's OK Mom...do the Joint Custody and let your little one flourish!!! 

[superdad01]

well when I dealt with this issue I could see that the powers that be were not wanting to me to have 50/50. I worked 3rd shift at the time.

So the schedule I worked out was I had the child nearly everyday for hours. The child went back to moms to sleep but the child still got interaction with both parents almost daily. Then we had every other weekend on top of it.