Just found out BM no longer has custody of MY child! Please Help!

[tennessee76]

I just found out today that my ex-girlfriend no longer has custody of our daughter and I am looking for advice on what my options are for getting custody of her? They live in South Dakota but I do not know where all that I was told today is that she is no longer with BM and that I no longer have to pay child support. So if anyone can help I would greatly appreciate it! I would like to have my daughter back I have not seen her since she was one and she is now 7 1/2 years old! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

[mistoffolees]

You're going to have to get a lawyer involved.

Now, who told you that you no longer have to pay child support? If it was the state agency, contact them immediately and tell them that you're the father and want the child. At the same time, your attorney will want to file an emergency motion for custody.

One problem - did you ever establish paternity? If not, you're going to have to do that before you can have any chance of getting ANY attention.

Good luck.

[Davy]

More information is needed before you can receive much help.

Personally, I would continue to financially support my child until and unless it can be ascertianed the child is not benefitting from your support.  

You may not need to hire at attorney.

Focus entirely on the well-being of the child while being polite and firm in all communications.

[tennessee76]

I actually did hire an attorney because I found my daughter this past Tuesday night after her mother kept me out of her life for almost 5 years!!! I have talked to her twice this week! YA! The child support agency that had my case told me I no longer have to pay child support because of the mother no longer has custody. I am having a tele-conference call Tuesday with my attorney, the judge and my ex-girlfriend's ex-husband. He is the one that has my daughter as of now and is helping me. I have already established paternity(duh) I'm not paying child support for the fun of it! Sorry that wasn't very nice, anyways, like I have always said What Goes Around, Comes Around. Looks like my life is finally turning around for the better now my 2 and a half year old daughter has a big sister to look up to and she has not only me, but a little sister and a mother who will actually LOVE her. I say that because her mother dropped her off with people she doesn't know and the mother is jobless, homeless, no car and is apparently pregnant again! So say a prayer for my daughter and me PLEASE, her name is Katherine! DREAMS CAN COME TRUE IF YOU BELIEVE AND PRAY ALOT!

[williaer]

Why haven't you seen her for 5 years? I know, I know...mommy wouldn't "let" you, right? I find it difficult to stomach in this day and age of computers and on-line people finders that you couldn't enforce a court order for parenting time in 5 years. I'm not trying to be judgemental- but this little girl doesn't know you either. It's just a tragedy that she has experienced so much trauma in 7 little years of life. I hope that you are able to establish a stable, safe home for her and give her a little security in her life.
What you said is true- what goes around, comes around- I just hope you are prepared to answer "Where were you all that time?" and you have to be honest- mommy may have hidden and made it hard, but the judge would have made it terribly difficult on her, if you had been working as hard as possible to see her.

[tennessee76]

First off let me tell you that you don't know everything about my situation so how dare you sit there and say that! YES, her mother did make it difficult actually impossible to find her because she did not leave me a forwarding address or phone number and it's not like child support would tell me anything. SECOND OF ALL she lived over 1500 miles away it's not cheap nor easy to travel that far especially when you had to give 24 hours notice to the mother but have no way of doing that NOT to mention taking off at least a week from work because it takes 4 days of travel time ALONE! I would have had to get an ATTY to file anything in court and they are not free for fathers anyways! Not everyone is made of money ya know. Anyways, I now have joint legal custody of my daughter and we go back in June for permanent custody. The BM has to get a phone so I can call and talk to my daughter as much as I want. She cannot move without telling me, therefore, now I can write as much as I want to and not have to worry about forwarding anything. She has to get a job and keep it which she has not had a job since DECEMBER. Basically the judge threw the book at her and told her she is to not interfere at all with me and my daughter. So yaaaa for me and my daughter and for those of you who gave me advice I say THANK YOU and I will post in June to let you know how things go.

[Jade]

>First off let me tell you that you don't know everything
>about my situation so how dare you sit there and say that!
>YES, her mother did make it difficult actually impossible to
>find her because she did not leave me a forwarding address or
>phone number and it's not like child support would tell me
>anything. SECOND OF ALL she lived over 1500 miles away it's
>not cheap nor easy to travel that far especially when you had
>to give 24 hours notice to the mother but have no way of doing
>that NOT to mention taking off at least a week from work
>because it takes 4 days of travel time ALONE! I would have had
>to get an ATTY to file anything in court and they are not free
>for fathers anyways! Not everyone is made of money ya know.
>Anyways, I now have joint legal custody of my daughter and we
>go back in June for permanent custody. The BM has to get a
>phone so I can call and talk to my daughter as much as I want.
>She cannot move without telling me, therefore, now I can write
>as much as I want to and not have to worry about forwarding
>anything. She has to get a job and keep it which she has not
>had a job since DECEMBER. Basically the judge threw the book
>at her and told her she is to not interfere at all with me and
>my daughter. So yaaaa for me and my daughter and for those of
>you who gave me advice I say THANK YOU and I will post in June
>to let you know how things go.


So you knew where your child was? I would have found the money (even if it meant going into a lot of debt) to make sure that my right to see my child was not circumvented.

[mistoffolees]

>You may not need to hire at attorney.
>


This is fairly common advice here, but my view is slightly different.

While it is technically possible to do this without an attorney, there are HUGE risks - and you may never recover from them. Losing the rights you have wrt your child(ren) is something you'll never get over.

In many cases, the people who 'can't afford' an attorney have lower levels of education. That makes it more likely that they'll make mistakes in the process and lose what they're trying to gain. So the people who are least able to afford an attorney are the ones who most need one.

If you feel that you absolutely must do it on your own, you're going to have to spend countless hours in the library researching the law and the procedures involved in order to have any chance of winning. My recommendation would be to use those hours to take a second job or work overtime and use the money to pay a real attorney.

Or borrow the money. Or beg from relatives. Or give up cigarettes (if you smoke). Or walk to work to save gas. Or sell your priceless pet rock collection on eBay. Or find an attorney that will do it pro bono or with a payment plan. Or use your county's legal aid services. Or anything that is humanly possible. But I would say that getting involved in a custody battle without representation is the WORST possible option as far as I'm concerned.

[tennessee76]

What part of she did not leave me a forwarding address or phone number do you not understand? No, I did not know exactly where she was at and I'm not made of money. In order to get money you have to have decent credit which I did not have at the time but all that does not matter anymore because I did get an atty and now hopefully in June I will get my daughter as well.

[williaer]

>First off let me tell you that you don't know everything about my situation so how dare you sit there and say that!<

You're exactly right, I don't- I was just looking at what you wrote and responding. If you wanted us to take every nuance into consideration- you should have posted it all.



>SECOND OF ALL she lived over 1500 miles away it's not cheap nor easy to travel that far especially when you had to give 24 hours notice to the mother but have no way of doing that <

You give the impression here that you knew where she was- and that there was some sort of enforceable order- if you "had to give 24 hours notice".


>The BM has to get a phone so I can call and talk to my daughter as much as I want. She cannot move without telling me, therefore, now I can write as much as I want to and not have to worry about forwarding anything. She has to get a job and keep it which she has not had a job since DECEMBER. Basically the judge threw the book at her and told her she is to not interfere at all with me and my daughter. <

Based on past history- how long do you think any of this is going to last.


I am very thrilled that you made some headway- that's a lot more than others in your situation have been able to do. I think it is of the utmost importance that you are a part of your daughters life...what I was trying to point out is that you weren't necessarily doing everything you could to see her- 5 years is a long time and the courts will consider that. If you had a court order and she worked that hard for 5 years to frustrate it- shame on you for not moving on it sooner. If your credit is a wreck (which by the way is your responsibility- you had control over that- unless you co-signed for something- and even then, you knew you were responsible) and you had no money- then you would have been elligible for legal aid, or some type of assistance through the court. It exists- there are free legal clinics and attorney's that do pro bono work through the courts. All you really needed was a paralegal to put your motions in the proper format. Furthermore, if she had dealings with children's Services, which she clearly did if her child was removed, they always knew where she was....that was an avenue. How did the ex- stepdad know how to get in contact with you??
Please believe me- my husband and I have no money either- I don't know many blended families that do...but when it comes to your child- you call in all the favors- parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, pawn shop...you have to be willing to break the bank for it. Fair- of course not...reality...yes.