Mother Of Two Little Girls In Need Of Help

[luvmygirls]

Hi all,
I am new here and I will give you the short version of my horrific story.   My Ex and I split up in early 2006, he was emotionally abusive and controlling.  After a horrible 5 year marriage, I told him it was time to call it quits.  Well, he became hostile and violent (in front of kids) and I was given a DVPO against him for 1 year.  During this year I met the man of my dreams, truely.  He is amazing with my kids (I waited until I was sure we were going somewhere before introducing them) is generous, kind, intelligent.....you get the idea!  This of course angered my ex even more and we went to court for custody.  Several factors came into play.  One, I was only getting $350 child support a month and that was not even half the cost of daycare.  I had to leave my job and started looking for a more "child friendly" career, better hours, more flexible, you know.  Well that and the fact that I had just gotten a house with my boyfriend went against me. We did everything for my girls, and because I didn't have an attorney, they twisted it all to make me look like some kind of monster!  I lost and only see my babies every other weekend.  They are not doing well.  He is trying to turn them against me, telling them I am mean to him, that I steal his garbage (which I don't) he tells my 5 year old to lie to me and keep secrets because he knows they are things he isn't supposed to be doing.  He lays in his bed and watches "Bones" with my 5 year old, and lets her watch horror movies (now I have to be there every time she goes to the bathroom she is so scared)  I have him on tape with his usual nasty talk to me, he will not co-parent.  Would not take my daughter to her cheerleading games on his weekends, so she missed out. Does not tell me about their schoolwork, or any special functions they may have.  My kids are too young to stand trial, so that ends any of the "she told me..." stuff.  Which is a huge part of this case.  Every time I have to send them back to him it's like giving them up for adoption over and over again (but not to a good home)  I am afraid that the abusive, controlling behavior he had with me is going to continue with him.  He attended court ordered anger management, but I don't see that it has done any good.  He was fired from his job because he was Unprofessional, and absent all the time.  This is not everything, but you can get the idea.  What can I do?  My attorney keeps telling me to wait to file, but it is killing me to have to keep appologizing to my kids for the things their father is saying to them.  It is emotional abuse and my 3 year old cries and cries for me not to send her back. He tells them that they have no food in the house, or can't get them new clothes because "mommy" doesn't give him enough money...I give him $850 a month!  The only one seeing any of that money is his new car.
I am at the end of my rope and could use some advise here.  I still cannot get over how badly the courts have wronged two innocent little girls!
Thank you!

[mistoffolees]

The lesson for everyone else in this situation is to GET AN ATTORNEY. Doing this on your own is extremely risky - even in the best of cases.

Your best bet is to see an attorney now. Perhaps they can do something on the basis of the girls not doing well and parental alienation. It's also possible that there were procedural errors in the original trial.

[ocean]

In the mean time, there is a lot you can do to see them. Go to their school and see if you can volunteer. Give stamped envelopes to the teacher and have them send you any info dad gets. Find out when school trips are, special occasions, and field day and GO. You do not need him for the school stuff.
Good luck!

[luvmygirls]

Yes, hindsight is 20/20.  I have been saying that lot lately.
I have a great attorney, but he just keeps on telling me to wait.....wait, wait and wait.  Wait for what?  I feel like we have ALOT against him, even my ex telling me, on tape, that he plans on moving out of state with the girls so that he won't have to see me, talk to me, or even hear about me.  I would think, this alone, is enough proof.  But, I am not an attorney and I am bias because I know what he is really like, and the court does not.  They need to be shown.
Thank you for your input!  All advice is appreciated.

[mistoffolees]

If the ex is threatening to leave the state and is badmouthing you on tape, your attorney should be able to take action. Did you ask the attorney what he/she is waiting for?

You sometimes need to stay on top of attorneys to make sure that they explain what they're doing and their rationale. While there may be a good reason (such as it may not be possible to change a custody plan until a certain amount of time has elapsed), you should know what it is. Also, there should be action you can take to prevent the alienation.

[luvmygirls]

He keeps waiting for a "grand slam", but what exactly is that going to take?  I am grateful that he wants to be sure that we have all that we need, but if he is waiting for my ex to start doing something horrible, like suddenly pick up a crack addiction, that probably is not going to happen.  One of the things he is waiting for now is for my new marriage to go through.  But it seems to be something....lets wait two weeks and see what he does, lets wait for the divorce to be final, lets wait for ....it just seems to always be something.
One of the things that had hurt me last time was that I was living with my boyfriend.  Regardless of the fact that their father has had several and is now internet dating (letting my girls get attached to them all) the judge said, "But he doesn't NOW"....at that point in time he was single, or led everyone to believe he was.  My honesty hurt me.
 I think the fact that he wouldn't take them to their extracurricular activities and  he actually threatened me to move out of stgate (this one was not on tape) prior to our divorce being final (trying to get me to stop the divorce) would be enough combined with the numerous tapes I have of him being uncooperative and downright nasty.  Then telling me that he IS moving out of state so he doesn't have to deal with me anymore would be enough to do it.
He even told me to F off with the girls right there over tax return money.
No matter how much I dislike him I know he is their father.  He is a reflection of them, and if they think poorly about him then they will themselves.  He doesn't care about that, just revenge.  Revenge on me for rejecting him.  I even have my daughter on tape (I tape our phone conversations in case he gets on) stating that daddy got mad at her for saying that she missed me.  I have lots of her saying things like that, but I am not sure if a judge will allow them to be played....last time I had a recording of my daughter describing him and his exgirlfriends fight, and that he slammed her (my daughter) into a door frame trying to keep her from running to the girlfriend (she was very attached and ran to her rather than her father) it was awful and she still talks about it....a year later.  But, the judge would not allow that or any of the others to be played.  I somewhat think that maybe he had it in for me since I was representing myself!  I had no idea that they would give custody to such a nasty, violent man.  At the time I didn't have much money, doing the single mom thing on my own.
Talking negatively about the other parent is already in the court order.  He doesn't care, he thinks he can do whatever he wants to then lie about it and tell my girls to lie about it too.  I also have that on tape, him telling my daughter to lie, then she said to him "mommy already figured it out....." and came clean with it.
I just don't know what to do with this proof I have and if it will be heard in court.....if I should bother putting it all on a regular tape for court.  There are many!  It is just so heartbreaking to watch your children being hurt and not being able to do anything about it, and my 3 year old thinks that I don't want her.  She doesn't understand what is going on.  I guess I will just have to keep on top of him then, nag him until we file!
Thank you!

[backwardsbike]

Oh my...I have been a NCM for seven years.  The evalautor twisted everything I said too.  S well as outright lied and supressed positve information from people she interviewed about me.  That alone hurts like heck, but then to have to send your kids back into an emotionally abuseive enviroment- I feel for you.

I am still only seeing my kids EOW but I get half of summers FROR after 24 hours- X tried to keep from me that he left them with his mom while he and his wife went away for some eye surgery Iw as having.  But I live in a small town and a birdie whispered it in my ear.  he was cited for contempt.  Now I think he just does a better job of covering his tracks.
If I were you I would begin keepin gmeticulous documentation.  Keep a journal of times you spke to the kids on the phone, a separate one to record thoughts and events during visitations- good things they tell you about dad as well as the bad stuff.  And keep a separate log for communications between your X adn you whether via phone, in person adn email.

Keep good relationships with your children's teachers adn day care providers.  Go to all docotr appointments dentist appointments ets whether it is your custody time or not This applies to parent teacher confrences too.  I let teacher know the situation adn ask for update on my children's progress.  Some giv eme a rough time at first.  I;m NCM so they figure that I had to do somehting pretty bad to loose my kids.  I'm not shy to tell them that I am a nurse, a certifed parent educator a master's candidate at a big ten university in counsleing and very knowledgeable about learning disabilites- my ODS adn YDS have visual and perceptual deficits. Once they communicate with me a few time the attitude usually falls away.

Sooner or later- if your children's demenor changes it will show adn someone besides you wills ee it. If youhave good realtionships with all th epeople the kids come in contact with you will have icumentation- i ask them to document as wella s using email to communicate.  Isave my emails on a commercial server so i can use in court- my judge won't read them as he is friends with Sm's family adn likes the custody sitch exactly the way it is with X reaping CS dollars, but I have been able to get help from CYS when I couldn't get my X to put medically necessary braces on my ODD's teeth and a guidance counsleor threatend X with turning him in the CYS because DDwas wearing shoes with holes the size of golf balls in them.  He bought new shoes and she wore them the very next day.  I also was insturmental in getting my DD into a counsleing group at her elementary school- til X threatend the counsleor and she put DD out of the group.  Same thign happend with a counsleor I had the kids eeing as part of my family. Licensed individuals DO NOT like threats of being sued.

I would hope your documentation would yeil dbetter esults than mine.  Hopefully your judge isn't so biased.  I couldn't prevail with this one if I was Jesus in drag. Hopefully your sitch will be more favorable.

But be assured- they alwasy show their true colors eventually.  The trick is having some "Neutral thrid party" to see it, record it, and testify to it.

Best of luck to you and your children.

[luvmygirls]

Seven Years!  I am so sorry, what has happened to you and your children is truly wrong.  Especially since the judge knows the step moms family?  Surely that is reason enough to have the decision thrown out of court?  You should consult an attorney about that.  Don't give up; you will be able to look at those kids and say that you did your best, you put up your best fight!

Does anyone know anything about custody evaluators and if they work?  I know that if someone is watching my ex, he is unevitably going to act like father of the year.  He knows what to say, what to do, how to play people.  But, what I am looking for is someone to question my girls, be their voices since they cannot; and my words don't count.  I want someone to ask them things so the truth will come out.  He tells my 5 year old to lie, to keep secrets from me, watch horror movies and shows about murders....... I took some great advice off of this board and went to my girls schools with Easter cookies for their classmates.  They were thrilled.  I did this before at Xmas too.  My 3yr olds daycare teacher said that her behavior has been poor, they have had to talk to "dad" about her hitting the teachers and not taking time outs.  I know that the teachers are not going to want to go to court though.