Custody when parents live 1000 mi apart.

[Asha]

My situation:

We both were older than 40, had no children from previous relationships, independent and financially stable when we dated. I work in the school system and he is in businessl world.

We lived few hours away from each other and I commuted each weekend. We dated for almost a year and he has been insisting on me moving in with him, changing jobs, marrying, having children.

We both have always been careful about not getting pregnant in our or previous relationships.
While we dated and I met his whole family. I loved them all and they seemed to like me because they mentioned few times how much they would like me to be part of their family.

Everything seemed to be safe and secure when I lowed down my guards and a few months before I knew I would finally move in with him and probably have a job in his city I agreed to get pregnant because we both have been very serious about our relationship. I have always been neutral about having children because I always knew how that would change my life and that I would be giving myself 100% to the child. For him it was very important to have a family and child. He kept insisting on both.

To make a story short, we did get pregnant. We didn't  expect it to happen this easily and fast considering we both were older .Within a week after we got pregnant (we didn't know it yet) there was a simple conflict based on the way he spoke with me: kind of controlling.

Few months of communicating. He tried. I tried. But we couldn't find the middle ground how each wanted to be treated.

When I was almost half way through pregnancy, a few days before we knew the gender of the child, he still insisted on me being back. I wanted to make sure that my child and I will be in a safe environment and not in constant arguments like these few months have been since I left. I said that after the baby is born we can try to do counseling and make our best in being together.

Now, a few months later, I found a job in the city 1000 miles away from him and have moved before I had my child.
Even though I have an ok job and easily could afford my own life, expenses and a house, I cannot afford the same with the child. I was going not to pursue any child support in order for us never to deal with him. However, I can see that I am struggling and cannot afford day care or necessary things for the child. Day care is the one that really hard to keep up with and not interfere with the my job which I need to provide my child with all I can. I have no one to help me, and I want to make sure my child is in a safe day care while I am working and has the minimum necessary things the child needs. I mean I cannot even afford buying a crib or a stroller and collect things from people I know and whose children are grown up.

I think I don't have a choice but apply for a child support.
What are the possible outcomes of custody if I start paternal tests and child support?

Thank you for your advices and help.

[ocean]

It really depends on what he wants as far as contact. Once you start child support case it would be up to him to go for a parenting plan. Most judges give joint custody which means you both have a say on schools and medical issues that may come up. You would have primary custody and he will be given times he can come see/take baby. As baby gets older and he keeps to visits, his visits should get longer and he should be allowed to take child to his house.

Long distance visits for school age children are usually most of the summer and split long school vacations every other year. You may have to meet him at a half way point later on. As an infant, he will have to make trips to you at first.

Paternity will be needed first , then a child support order. See what his reaction is. He still may not want this child in his life but he will have to pay half child care and child support (depending if your salaries are close, most parents split day care, out of pocket medical, and activities.

Only you know if you want to start this process. If you go after him for support then he may start a custody/parenting  plan petition. You will always have primary though unless he can prove neglect.

[Asha]

Thank you, Ocean!