Hopefully some inspiration...

[John-J-Jay]

I'm a custodial parent and my ex hasn't paid child support in 4 yrs and makes $87,000 a year. you can figure out yourself what the support would be monthly. With me being the dad the court has allowed her to drag on my motion to enforce for 7 months and i've paid over $8000 to TRY to get her to pay. If it was a MAN that was delq. on child support pmts we would be behind bars. But if it is a WOMAN that's behind it's ok. the system is biased.

[greatdad]

>Thanks! It's wonderful to be given a life with my daughter!
>
>(NOTE: My comments will be in normal case, quotes from the
>posts you referred me to from the family court thread will
>have a carrot >>> at the beginning and end <<< - too lazy to
>put the html formatting in. I read each reply, and pulled the
>quotes that I had something to speak on. By the way, to get a
>overview of my case and to see what I actually had to deal
>with, you can always search posts by my screen name to get
>everything I've put up on the site.)
>
>Let me start by saying that these are my opinions – although
>I've learned a lot about the family courts, i.e., what they
>look for in these cases, and the legal system in general, my
>experience is somewhat different. Again, these are my
>opinions, and for legal advice you need to talk to a qualified
>attorney! There is no substitute! That could make a huge
>difference in the way things go. That said, there also are
>plenty of things which are similar about our cases, and I
>think I can offer you some valuable insights where they
>overlap. First, let me elaborate on the main difference...
>
>1) The main differences are that I reside in VA, you are in FL
>– be sure to thoroughly research the family court codes for
>your state, county and city, and in your case the same applies
>for where your XGF resides, as it helps to be as well versed
>as a layman (or pro se) can possibly be in this regard. Since
>in my case all parties are in the same jurisdiction, it wasn't
>nearly as complicated as yours in that regard. I equate this
>to "knowing the rules of engagement, so to speak."
>
>2) Now for the similarities, they are numerous. My BM is
>abusive, an alcoholic, on welfare, no credible work history, a
>felon for domestic violence, a liar and very manipulative. She
>allowed access to our daughter only at her home since day one,
>and I filed for court action at approx. 6 mos of age after the
>BM tried to get me convicted of bogus felony violence charges.
>BM has tried at every opportunity to preach her own gospel
>about how terrible a parent I was – basically trying to make
>me out to be a deadbeat dad. She and her roommates smoke in
>their home, have done so all along, didn't even slow down
>drinking or smoking during the pregnancy. I never had any
>visitation outside the home with my daughter until the child
>was 10 mos old, and that was by court order at our first
>hearing.
>
>>>>Your paying her CS (child support) without a court order in
>place might be viewed as a judge as a gift. There is a slight
>possibility they might go back to the birth of the child and
>award her back support. Since you were not married, I believe
>she was within the bounds of the law by moving. And you would
>have had a short window to try to block that move anyway, and
>now it has been too long.<<<
>
>I seem to have read in your post that paternity has been
>established, that should have been your first move, but as
>long as its done, that's fine. If you filed the CS papers, it
>may work for you, but if she filed them against you, it
>doesn't look as good. As long as you're meeting the
>obligations, then good – it will likely be a wash in court as
>to who filed them. If you are just paying out of the pocket
>without a support order, I would strongly advise you to get it
>done thru the state agency, or at least have your attorney
>advise you on getting your payments recognized as support
>payments, or the poster is right, these could be considered
>gifts and not calculated in any official CS payment plan.
>Since you were not married and since at the time no court
>intervention has been pending, unfortunately I believe it was
>okay for her to move out of state. If the custody papers had
>been filed prior to that happening, she would not have been
>able to do that legally. A word to the wise – start to
>anticipate her moves as if you were playing a game of chess.
>Now I know its not a game, but if you don't look several moves
>ahead, you might not see something until its so far gone it
>makes things much harder to overcome.
>
>One good note on this – given that you state that the XGF is
>"frustrating your access" to the child, the judge will
>probably not look favorably on the out-of-state move unless
>she has an extremely good reason. If you feel she did this
>solely to remove you from the child's life, prepare and
>document with facts why you feel that is the case. Its one
>thing to be legal and it's another entirely to be in the best
>interest of the child – keep that in mind and reflect on it.
>
>>>>talked to the Ex last night to inquire about adding my son
>to my insurance offered by my job. Open enrollment is in 2
>days. She declined having my employer cover him, stating that
>" He has insurance through the State of Connecticut"<<<
>
>I filed the CS papers for paternity and support to be taken
>from my paycheck. Part of the support obligation was mandatory
>enrollment on my employer-sponsored health insurance. It
>reduced my CS obligation slightly, but you will still pay more
>than without it. But the key here that you need to find out is
>if it is mandatory with a support order. My daughter had dual
>coverage – her BM's Medicaid (?) and my insurance for seven
>months, my coverage was never used by the BM, and I still had
>to pay it. Doesn't matter either, just find out if its
>required. Even if it isn't if you can afford it you should
>just get the insurance for your child anyway – it will be a
>plus in you case, and it is a plus for the child no matter
>which way you look at it. She cannot decline your employer
>covering your child – you're giving her too much power! She
>doesn't have to use it, but that shouldn't stop you. Remember,
>the child is your family too, and you are entitled as a parent
>to be able to provide for the baby's care!
>
>>>>You are a drug addict and alcoholic!" I really cant wait to
>see how she plans on proving these statements to a
>judge.Apparently she is going to use these against me at the
>advice of her attorney. Its going to get ugly I'm sure. I have
>prepared several statements that I would like to fax the judge
>that is residing over my case. Is this a good idea or not? I
>am desperate and feel like my attorney has abandoned this case
>until the mediation comes on the 1st of June. Should I get the
>insurance anyway in case I do end up with custody? Sounds like
>a stupid question, obviously better safe than sorry. Or will
>they require extra CS to cover the existing insurance that he
>is on?<<<
>
>My BM made the same allegations about me, repeatedly. I'll
>just be straight with you (and I'm just making an objective
>statement here, please don't take it the wrong way)...If they're
>true, then you better straighten up and fly straight, 'cause
>it won't go your way in court – not at all. I was an alleged
>alcoholic, drug user and dealer, etc., but she was lying, and
>had no way of proving this in court. I even was willing to
>have a drug test, right then and at any time in the future.
>Bottom line, if you're clean and can prove it, with a
>qualified attorney you will have no problems refuting her
>lies. I would strongly advise against offering any statements
>up to the judge unless your qualified attorney gives a nod of
>approval. There are many factors that go into these custody
>determinations, and if you state something (or perhaps even
>don't say something you should have) then it could damage your
>case. Don't be desperate, mistakes are made this way – I know
>where you're coming from, I too was very disheartened, and I
>know how the many long lonely nights at 3AM can make you feel.
>Be strong for your baby – cry if you need to get it out (I
>can't remember how many times I did), but fight for the
>child!!! Try to channel your frustration into action – prepare
>your case!!!
>
>>>>DO NOT fax anything to the judge you will cripple your
>case. I think you need to sit back and be patient for June 1
>and see what happens. Your ex can accuse you of anything she
>wants to, i.e., alcoholic and drug addict. Unless she can
>"prove" these allegations with police reports, jail sentences,
>court documents, etc., she is just blowing smoke out of her
>a$$<<<
>
>I think Sherry1 is right on the money...
>
>>>>You can't make court things work as fast as you want, it is
>on a schedule.<<<
>
>Ditto... just take the time to build as strong a case as you
>can. I also took the time to join a local support group for
>guys going thru similar situations, you might try to do the
>same – it will make things a little more bearable. Therapy
>does work.
>
>>>>went ahead and enrolled my son on my employers plan,
>figured it could only help. Also, yes, the mediation is court
>ordered and scheduled for the 1st of June. Another one of her
>visitation "schedules" was faxed over to me on fri. 05/18 with
>alot of vague TBD and OPEN times of visitation basically
>allowing me minimal time at her convenience.<<<
>
>Good job on the insurance. Since your case is coming around
>soon, I would wait to see what the judge has to say about
>visitation. You can be assured that they won't look favorably
>on the fact that you don't receive any visitation. You should
>be prepared to show that you desire contact with the child,
>and have tried to have parenting time. Don't just rely on
>being able to show what the XGF isn't doing/allowing, but be
>prepared to show what things you are doing right and in the
>best interest of the child. In fact, I would always approach
>the situation by showing how you have been trying to be the
>reasonable one, and far less on trying to show her faults.
>Believe me, both your faults will probably come out in court.
>Just try to be the more well rounded, fair, reasonable,
>cooperative and responsible one.
>
>My case wasn't mediated, I had a home study, which is very
>detailed and somewhat intrusive, but was worth it in my case.
>Basically a social worker is assigned to "throw back the rug"
>on both parent's lives, and see what's behind all the
>posturing and statements of fact and fantasy. They will get to
>the truth. For more on my home study, please search my screen
>name and find where I detailed my home study experience.
>
>>>>The judged looked me in the face on March 19th(EX
>defaulted, but was dismissed) and told the attys that they
>both had 15 days to schedule mediation because "this mans
>needs to see his son". I could be way off but it sounded like
>I might have a decent and fair judge.<<<
>
>Sounds that way to me too. The judge was probably wondering
>why you weren't getting access to your child, and if they
>think the XGF is the cause... it will play poorly in her case. A
>heartening development to be sure.
>
>>>>This is the tragedy of having your child taken away at such
>a young age (4 mos. old). All the pain seems to be coming to
>the surface, but I know that showing emotion is probably not a
>good idea. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what
>happens I will stay calm and cool and do my best to act like
>its just another day. Its unlikely he will know who I am,
>which hurts, except for maybe a necklace that he was obsessed
>with as he was growing and my mannerisms.<<<
>
>Passion is what keeps you going... it also can doom your case if
>displayed at an inappropriate moment. Be on your best behavior
>for your child's sake. That's why I hired a attorney – I had
>researched my case for months and really needed the attorney
>because I couldn't be dispassionate enough in court. Be honest
>with yourself – If you can't detach yourself now don't think
>you will be able to do it in court, because you won't. I know
>the separation hurts, but remember this time will pass and
>there's a lifetime of joy waiting for you and your child. Just
>know that you will be in their life, try not to dwell on the
>here and now... I know it's easier said than done. If you spent
>time with your child before the trouble began (at 4 mos I
>assume?) then your baby will remember you. It may take some
>quality time for both of you to become comfortable again, but
>don't think for one moment that the bonds you formed before
>are lost! This I can speak on with my own personal
>experience!
>
>>>>Our son is obviously to young to talk on the phone with me.
>Anyway she's extremely nice(intoxicated) and says that she
>wants to make the visitation as smooth as possible allowing me
>the most possible time with him, she won't interfere w/our
>bonding time, she will let me have him as long as i want
>unsupervised after she sees he is comfortable with me(not
>believing any of this). I kept my ears open and my mouth
>shut.<<<
>
>Take every opportunity to talk with your son on the phone, no
>matter that all they can do is listen and perhaps push the
>buttons. Its still bonding, I know it doesn't make you feel
>good, but please do it. Yep, my BM is the same – just talk for
>her but DOCUMENTATION for you. Sound's like she's starting to
>see the writing on the wall, maybe with the help of her
>attorney, but you keep documenting her past behavior and prove
>that she's being nice "for the cameras," so to speak. Be the
>better person and work to prove it.
>
>>>>This child belongs to both of you and she is trying to use
>your son as a weapon. The best thing you can do is stick to
>your plan. Your ex has probably been advised by her attorney
>that if she keeps up the crap of of interferring w/ visitation
>and not agreeing to or staying with court ordered visitation
>she will be in for big trouble from the judge.<<<
>
>Sherry1 is dead on with this... we are on the same page actually
>in almost all of her responses. The one thing I would not
>agree with is actually, the child doesn't "belong" to either
>of you – try not to look at it that way, much as a grown
>person doesn't belong to anyone. I know its splitting hairs,
>but it's a very important concept. If you think about it, the
>XGF is behaving as if the child belongs to her – is that how
>you want to be characterized as well? Having said that, you
>both have a right to parent the child. I think you would be
>well served by Sherry1's advice too.
>
>>>>Just remember.. he is your son also - you don't have to
>"settle" for whatever you can get. Fight like hell prove you
>are a worthy parent and let the rest go.. act like this is a
>business arrangement.. and the ex is your competitor.. her
>true colors will show..<<<
>
>Agreeed. Fight like hell for the child's well being. Put
>nothing before the baby, not even personal motives. Its all
>about the children – they cannot fight for themselves, so you
>fight to make sure they have a fair shot at being
>well-adjusted, healthy and responsible members of society.
>Nothing else in life was more important for me than this. And
>yes, if you aren't planning on being with the XGF (which i
>assume you're not), then that's exactly what it is, a business
>arrangement.
>
>>>>hey,,, when ex gets there, make sure you have a video
>camera set up out of site.. and make sure its on with a blank
>tape.. So if she spouts off at the mouth you will have clear
>evidence.<<<
>
>I would be extremely careful about any electronic
>surveillance, because many times there are rather strict laws
>about when and where its legal... and you don't want to take an
>illegal tape to court, now do you? That said, if you are
>willing to learn the laws about that as they apply in both
>states, then go for it. Here's another thing on that... I had
>several hours of court admissible voicemail recordings from my
>BM (I stopped converting them to paper transcripts at 27
>pages...!) who said some very damaging things to her case,
>from threatening to relocate out of state, to lewd and vulgar
>messages, to very demonstrably intoxicated calls... the list
>goes on. Guess how many of them got reviewed in court? None –
>not one second, not one page. Judges are very hard working
>people, and they quite frankly won't like listening to this
>stuff unless there is a real basis (in their minds, not yours)
>for doing so. Besides, they usually can see right thru the
>facades, they've been doing it long enough to be sure.
>
>That said, it wouldn't hurt if you had it, just don't rely on
>it as the cornerstone of your case.
>
>NOW TO YOUR ORIGINAL QUESTION FOR ME:
>
>The home study was key to my determination. It was quite
>apparent that smoking was taking place in the home. Extreme
>smoking, many, many packs a week. I also had documentation
>from the pediatrician, something you are entitled to as a
>parent is available. If you know her pediatrician, write them
>and request a copy of the child's medical file. It is you
>right. The alcohol abuse was a different story – the BM
>actually made the mistake of harassing law enforcement while
>intoxicated very late at night (or very early, depending on
>how you choose to look at it) and I obtained a copy of the
>dispatch calls. BM also has a history of this type of behavior
>so it was apparent, and the home study bore this out also. If
>you XGF doesn't have this baggage, then you might want to
>research recording or documenting her behavior, but it sounds
>like her attorney is getting her prepared for the game.
>
>Best of luck, and remember this is only a battle – the war
>could be much longer. So it pays to view it as a marathon, not
>a sprint. Just keep the child's interests at heart, and
>everything will be alright. I know you don't want to hear this
>(I didn't either), but it is important. If you don't get
>custody, try to get as much visitation as you can. The court
>is preferential to parenting time "under the belt" so to
>speak, and the longer your XGF has custody (even if it is not
>by court determination) the more time she has had parenting
>the child (and by extension the less time you have), the
>harder it will be. And the more you get should make it easier
>to get even more (or even full custody) in the future, provied
>you keep doing what's best for the child and she keeps doing
>what she's been doing. Do you see what i'm getting at...?
>Custody is usually factored on direct experience (well I
>should say parenting time is a very important criteria), and
>the more you have the better off you'll be for any future
>hearings. Take heart that you have started the process early
>on, instead of waiting for several years – that will play in
>your favor.
>
>Another thing - try to understand things from the XGF's
>viewpoint as well. I'm not saying its an excuse for her
>behavior, but have you considered that perhaps she's very
>afraid and feels that you are trying to take "her baby" (I say
>that figuratively) away from her? I know how you feel, but put
>yourself in her shoes, too. It has taken me many months of
>growth to look at it this way, but its really powerful and
>healing to acknowledge the feelings of whom you may consider
>as "your opponent." Not only will it help you to anticipate
>her actions (somewhat), but it probably will make it easier
>for you two to be compassionate and really understand that the
>child needs BOTH of you to act responsibly to thrive. Never
>give up on the possibility of working with the other parent.
>
>I cannot stress enough the three main things will affect your
>case the most: 1) learn the law as it applies to your case, 2)
>document everything factually; and 3) when you're done
>documenting everything, recheck to be sure you have documented
>everything!!!
>
>LEARN THE LAW and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!
>
>I look back on the severe hardships this battle have caused
>me, the humiliating things I've had to endure, the setbacks,
>and the trials which are likely in the future, but every time
>my daughter smiles at me or points to my nose all those things
>pale in comparison.
>
>Now fight my friend – FIGHT!
>
>
Great post. I  have sole custody  ( Pendente lite) and the battles leave you scarred, broke and exhausted BUT seeing the kids smile, tucking them in at night, just knowing that they feel loved and valued makes it all melt away. All I can do is echo the poster here.....Fight my friend,Fight. When you feel you cannot, ask the kids for a hug and your strength will be renewed. Quitting is not an option !
Keep posting, we will keep sending you strength !!!

[mistoffolees]

>I'm a custodial parent and my ex hasn't paid child support in
>4 yrs and makes $87,000 a year. you can figure out yourself
>what the support would be monthly. With me being the dad the
>court has allowed her to drag on my motion to enforce for 7
>months and i've paid over $8000 to TRY to get her to pay. If
>it was a MAN that was delq. on child support pmts we would be
>behind bars. But if it is a WOMAN that's behind it's ok. the
>system is biased.


That's nonsense. There are plenty of women who complain that they can't collect support from their ex-husbands, either (ever hear the phrase 'dead-beat dad'? The fact is that the system is an equal-opportunity fiasco.

You're not doing anyone any favors by seeing bias where there's no evidence of that.

[Qwkprlspnr]

    Thank you for taking the time to respond at such great length and detail. Everyone , that is. Because YOU won gives me greater hope obviously. I have painstakingly gone through this entire process thus far through the proper legal guidelines, but as you said the hardships and humiliation sometimes seem to outweigh the results I get. It has taken a long time to realize that I am going through this for our son and not just to make my pain go away. Today will be the day that I (hopefully) get to see my son for the first time in what seems like forever, so , time to start another chapter in the journal. I have a plan. I have mental ammunition and I have a desperate need to show BM how to  co parent our child. My 12 yr. old daughter is out of town with her mother (by the way is extremely well co parented) much to her dismay for 3 days. Her baby brother will be here for 10 days . I just wanted to feel out the situation at first to see how rational Ex will be before exposing my daughter to another disappointment in front of her brother. I have been through this before but with nowhere near the problems that I'm having now.2 completely different poeple I guess. I am taking my vacation while Ex is in town with my son, so I will have even more time to devote to resolving this situation as well as a mediation towards the end of the week. I'll let you know how it went. Praying for the best....Thank you for your time.....Fight I will brother...fight i will