Joint physical custody

[Jade]

And I know of at least one person who started out with 50/50 custody.

The child didn't do well.  Fortunately for the child, the parents weren't as concerned with their rights and did what was right for the child.  

The child now has one primary home and visits with the other parent.  And has drasticallly improved.


Having 50/50 from the start is no gaurantee that the child will do well.  

[Jade]

>I'm not making a 'blanket statement' here.........I'm basing
>this on the MILLIONS of infants across the country that are
>currently in daycare.  Whereas you are only basing your
>opinion on experience with one child.  I'm certainly not
>basing my opinion on any studies, just the fact that millions
>of infants are currently in daycare.....out of necessity.  And
>I never said they 'do well', just that they're in daycare.
>But I still feel that how they adapt can be dependent on how
>the parents enable the situation, whether good, bad, or
>indifferent.  
>
>The thing to remember is that children ARE very resilient and
>can adapt to change very well if allowed to.  The other thing
>to remember is that the younger the child is, the easier the
>transition can be made.  I can almost bet that the reason for
>your child's reaction is strictly because of her age, because
>she was going through that phase.
>
>When DS was 4 (and we were living with my mom temporarily, she
>babysat while I was at work), he went through a period of
>standing at the door and screaming for me to not leave him.
>But this happened ONLY because he had just been traumatized
>from having his dad take off with him to CA and it taking me 6
>weeks and 3 trips there to bring him back.  He was dealing
>with severe separation anxiety.  He had many symptoms relating
>to that experience that lasted for up to 2+ years.  That's an
>extreme example only.  But children at that particular age
>often go through separation anxiety, just in varying degrees
>and circumstances.

Only on one child?   Now that is a blanket statement.  I gave an example using my child.  

I have lots of experience with small children that only reinforce my opinion.

Those studies don't take the individual into consideration.

[knoot7]

I am sure you will get to an amicable agreement and you sound like you want to work with the mother AND do what is best for YOUR child. I only caution you having too much faith the mother will do what is right just like you want to do.  Sometimes they start out that way and then turn into something you rather not deal with. PLEASE do not limit yourself in the future what ever agreement you come up with! Come up with an agreement and work with her AND your attorney, then get it signed off by the judge. One good point stated was to add the moving clause. You will find may issues with that here, if you continue to want to participate with this site.

If your child is provided with the complete support, love and assistance from the heart. If the child does not sense tension and anger in the mists of each situation between parents, you have a strong chance of having a child that can adjust well to all situations without limiting your child, yourself or your ex. I would definitely NOT want to settle to an agreement that would limit your capabilities for the future and being in her life 50%. I see nothing wrong and have experienced setting a status quo NOW for overnights, and days....and if it doesn't work well, then change it. However, limiting yourself now may be detrimental to your chances in the future. They can say - "well it didn't matter before when she was younger, why does it have to change now?" This is the way it has beeen working and see no need to change it. That happens WAY TOO MANY TIMES! How can this be agrued and supported? Set the status quo now and have the ability to change IF your child doesn't do well.

You have the right idea for 50/50 legal and physical IMMEDIATELY the rest as to times and days etc... do what YOU feel is right! Just don't limit yourself!

There are many more studies and examples on issues within a childs life with limited or no access to the father - especially daughters. As adults their future relationships can be/are dependant on their relationship with their father!

This thread had provided you with both sides of life. Children that do well and children that do not. I KNOW you will know what is best for your situation and there is no need to continue to argue which way is best. After all it is only opinion.  It is common sense that everyone is an individual. We all understand this concept.  Many times people think since it is for one child it must be that way for all children which can come across loud and clear. This thread has presented you with both sides of the fence and pleanty of info and examples. To limit your daughters access to you can/will be more detrimental in her future than going back and forth between two parents as long as you can work towards the greater good . Be agreeable remove all animocity between you and your ex, and your daughter can thrive!  

If it is all she has ever known - this will be/IS her status quo. Set that status quo now while young and the adjustment will most likely go MUCH smoother than trying to adjust at a later date. Essentially this can take weeks and even months if it goes to court and by that time...she will no longer be 3 months old!

You can't change the past only the future.

[Kitty C.]

You know, I'm tired of arguing with you, Jade.  And there's no point in trying to discuss something with someone when they contradict themselves.  Yes, I said you were basing your experience on ONE child, because THAT'S ALL YOU GAVE.  And you were talking about a pre-schooler, whereas all I've ever mentioned is infants.  There's no comparison between the two.  Irregardless of whether it was YOUR child or not, it's still ONE child.  And if you're so dead set on infants not having constant and continous contact with both parents, then how do you justify daycare?  Or do you feel that one parent should always stay at home so that infants would not have to leave and deal with the supposed confusion of going back and forth between home and daycare EVERY day?  You never did answer that question and that was my original question in the first place.

Maybe you wouldn't run into so much interference on this site if you were at least willing to consider other points of view, instead of pushing your one and only opinion on others and giving the implication yours is the only opinion that matters.

[topnotchdad]

Maybe you should try to get her to go to mediation with you, to work out an agreement.  You don't "have" to let a judge decide for you.  If you guys can come to an agreement, you can get your mediation agreement entered as a court order, OR, you can just agree to go by your mediation agreement, and if she suddenly starts withholding your time afterwards, that's when you take your case to the judge, and say, "hey judge, we were doing fine with this agreement we came up with TOGETHER until BM decided to go against it, can you do something about it?"  Compared to a lawyer, mediation is MUCH cheaper, and if you're able to reason with the mom, you are likely to get most of what you want.

The key might be to go into mediation asking way more than you expect, and then give a little in order to get what you want (like bargaining for a car).  For example, go in there saying you want 50/50 right away, and no child support, since you'll have the baby half the time.  Then you might bargain it down to 2-3 days (include some overnights if you can), and offer her some child support, in order to even get your overnights at all.  Then have her concede that you will work up to 50/50 by the age of X.  Does that make sense?  And DEFINITELY put in a move-away clause.

If she's hesitant with overnights, maybe you could work it out where you keep her overnight one of the nights where mom has her all day.  That way she's not really going 24 hours without seeing the baby, which might be what she's worried about.  Or if your days are free, go for more days during the week.  If your schedule allows, you could be the "babysitter" while mom's at work, and then you could work an evening/night shift.  That way both parents get the maximum amount of time, as opposed to a babysitter getting some of the custody time.

When you're bargaining, make sure you want her to know that you want to HELP with the baby, not just that you're "taking" the baby.  You know, like "I know you used to love to go out with your girlfriends on Saturday night, I want to help you by taking the baby on Saturday nights so that you can still go out."

My DH went several years getting a much better deal on custody time and child support by just making agreements with BM rather than going to court.  Then when they got to the point where they couldn't come to agreements anymore (essentially, BM said she was moving away and taking the child with her), that's when he went to court and got his 50/50 legal, since he had already set the staus quo as 50/50, and they already had a mediation agreement saying 50/50.