It just never stops-vent/opinions

[richiejay]

Ex asks me if I still have same lawyer, then starts requesting all sorts of school stuff.  Yup, she is trying for custody again.  
My son is 13 and going into 8th grade.  I have had physical custody since he was 5 (ex lives in NH, I live in MA).  Since that time she has tried on 3 occasions to open the whole thing up and try for custody.  3 times she has failed.  The new reason is that he is not doing great in school.  He grades are ok but he gets in trouble frequently.  I had him tested to see if it was a ADD or ADHD issue and doc says no.  He has an IQ of 135 so he should be doing great grade-wise, but he is lazy and does minimal work. The whole 8 years she has been trying to get him on her side about everything.  I must say she has succeeded.  He and I argue frequently.
Her goal is to get him with her for high school.  I work weekends so I am not sure when I would see him if that happened(holidays and summers maybe).  He also lives with his  4 year old sister and two year old brother from my current wife.  He has expressed interest in living with her on occasion, but I don't think he really wants to, just afraid to tell her he doesn't.  Opinions and comments are welcome.

[Giggles]

Sounds to me like your X might be trying to "persuade" your son to come live with her.  Having so/so grades in my opinion is not enough of a reason to switch custody, but at his age, a judge is more likely to take his wishes into consideration.  What you may want to do is get him some counseling, he's a teen now and they go through some "attittude" and it may just need some adjusting.

[Kitty C.]

What 'kind' of doctor did you have your son seen by?  If it was a pediatrician or GP, then you need a second opinion.  They may say they've 'tested', but they don't have all the tools, techniques, and expertise needed to specifically diagnose ADD/ADHD.  There may be something else other than ADD/ADHD going on and only a pediatric psychologist who's specifically trained can make that diagnosis.

The other possibilities are he's either started to hang out with the wrong crowd and getting into things he shouldn't be (ie: drugs, alcohol, etc.) or it's just normal teenage angst.  Regardless, I think the possibility of counseling, for the both of you, wouldn't be a bad idea.  You don't want this to get out of hand, even if the BM is trying for custody.

[mistoffolees]

Tough situation, but just a few random thoughts:

1. Courts usually require very strong reason to change custody after a long time. After 8 years, she's going to have to give a pretty good reason. Admittedly, in a few years, he's going to have more say, but there still needs to be some reason. PLEASE, for your own sake and your son's, forget about the conflict with your ex and focus your energy on being the best parent you can be. While it's not foolproof, that goes a long way toward making things work out in the end - no matter what the ex tries or what the court says. The more you focus on HER, the less energy you have for your relationship with him - which is what matters.

2. Along the same lines, what is the worst that can happen? The court probably won't consider his opinion for another year or two, and when he turns 18, he's free to leave, anyway. So, WORST possible outcome is that you seem him less frequently for 4 years out of his 80 year life. Again, the important thing is your relationship with him - because even if the worst happens, you want your time with him to be positive and you want to have a good relationship when he's emancipated at 18.

3. Some of what you're describing (constant disagreements, for example) is typical of 13 year  olds. You might want to consider seeing a counselor for advice on how to deal with 13 year olds who, by definition, know everything. Some percentage of what you're experiencing is just par for the course. A counselor (or even trusted friend who's been through teen years with a boy) might help.

4. I would consider a second opinion from a specialist on the ADD issue. A 13 year old with 135 IQ who does poorly in school is sending a very strong signal that something's wrong. Please don't ignore it. Maybe it's ADD, maybe it's something else. There are scads of possible options - everything from extracurricular programs like Kumon to counseling. I would definitely spend some time with a counselor to figure out why he's not achieving at his ability level.  In this case, I have to agree at least partially with the mother. Something's wrong and needs to be addressed.

Good luck.

[daddeo2007]

 I think that others have pretty much answered your question and I think that you have nothing to be worried about. I suggest having an eval done with the best neuro psyhologist or neuro psychiatrist that you can find. They do very extensive tests instead of just asking a few questions and then giving a DX. I suggest that type of eval because of the grades considering what his IQ is and other things that you mentoned. I also think that you should take him to a therapist. If you have an eval done like I mentioned he won't have to keep following up with them, they would just say what is going on, what they think the cause is, what needs to be done, and where.

[richiejay]

He has been with a therapist off an on since he was five.  I had the testing done by a child neuro-pscychologist.  He found nothing major but did see say my boy was very oppositional.  He said that a smal dose of Ritalin wouldn't hurt as did a nurse practioner prior to that.  But, of course BM refused that cuz if his grades get better, she has no case.  Can you imagine someone wanting for their child to do poorly?  Unbelievable.  Simply unbelievable.

[richiejay]

I would agree with you that "something is wrong and needs to be addressed"....but when I took him to the nurse practioner (advice of therapist) and to neuro-psch eval....both recommended small dose of Ritalin and BM says "I am not medicating my child".

[Kitty C.]

BUT, if you have primary custody and your son goes to school from your home, then why couldn't he be medicated only while he's in school?  Many parents do that for their children, as many times it's seen as needed for academic purposes only.  If his grades improve, then you have a case.   But I will tell you that what they've found is that where the children take meds for school only do improve academically, they still suffer socially, because they aren't covered at any other time.  

But I'm not sure I agree with giving him Ritalin if they say he may be 'oppositional'.  Though I'm certainly not a pediatric psychologist, either!  One thing to remember, though:  with an issue like this, I would strongly recommend a second opinion.  The therapist/nurse practitioner may be able to help with counseling, but I would never get a diagnosis from someone with those credentials......they just don't have the expertise, training, and tools needed to make such a diagnosis.  And if the neuropsychologist you took him to treats adults, I strongly recommend finding one who is strictly pediatric.  Children are not 'little adults', as some might think, and since they're brains are still developing, they can't be diagnosed and treated the same as adults.

And if you wonder where I get this much information, I have an 18 y.o. son who's been on different medications for the past 10 years.  We have also found that as he grows, his chemistry changes, thus his meds had to change.  And we've done that numerous times, depending on strength and his needs...we have even tweeked with time of day dosaging as well.  It's amazing how particular these drugs can act, depending on what and when you take it.

Hope this helps.........

[mistoffolees]

>He has been with a therapist off an on since he was five.  I
>had the testing done by a child neuro-pscychologist.  He found
>nothing major but did see say my boy was very oppositional.
>He said that a smal dose of Ritalin wouldn't hurt as did a
>nurse practioner prior to that.  But, of course BM refused
>that cuz if his grades get better, she has no case.  Can you
>imagine someone wanting for their child to do poorly?
>Unbelievable.  Simply unbelievable.


Something doesn't add up.

neuro=psych says there's nothing wrong but says kid should get Ritalin? Nurse practitioner agrees? Someone's not telling the whole story.

Whether it's oppositional behavior, ADD, or a stomach ache, something is keeping the kid from performing at his ability level. If the therapist isn't helping (particularly if he's recommending Ritalin even though he doesn't see an ADD issue), I'd find a different therapist.