Divorce's Victim

[Mrs. U]

Actually i will get married soon. I met with my future husband and he can accept me and my BG family. My parents are divorced when i am at my 6th grade, since then my mother disappeared for a while after keep in touch with us, her children.. and someday she came back saying that she got married to a stranger (she said that old friend of her) I know there are a lot of issues since the three of us are still small. Dad is an architect but he can work as fast as other, so mom said that we are very poor due to his relax character. When mother give birth to my brother, dad don't have enough money to bring him home, so grandma give the money to mom to take him home...and then it all started..

Until they got me the one that she truly loved (she said that to everyone) but it is not for so long, she is changing. She make me her fave daughter cos i have always obey her in many ways. Sometimes my mother can be so rude toward her children not by physical but by harsh words... sometimes when she got home from work she blames my sister and asked her to go out from the house, etc etc.. This is all due to heavy financial attack, she needs to work harder, and my dad is a stingy one, very cheapskate if that is the perfect word for him. Her pride as a woman, mother and wife is hurt. She need to be free. All of this make her feels uncomfortable n she decide to left him. And she told me of course, but the law said that i need to stay with dad. I spent my childhood with both parents but school is become my dad's responsibility, sometimes i don't understand why mom do not want to see that my father already have the initiative to raised me n sister (brother choose to be with her in the mean time), yes he changed and it takes him about 20 years to do so, even now he is still a relax man but i feel he is changing. When my mother got married again and moving to another city (6 hours away from our hometown), she met with step daughter that imo is unwelcome toward her n me.. she met many difficulties more than she ever imagined. She is a smart woman, beautiful, even she is using harsh words, and famous for her temper, she have a good heart, not devilish. But nowadays, when sister got married, she can't accept that the fact she married to some not-rich-man again (she imagined that her children should exceed her expectation and marry to super duper rich people-such a fairytale i guess) and now my turns.. i feel... stressful to her.. she said that she loves us and care about us but what i saw now, is she loving herself more and wanted changes that satisfy her in her perspective. She downgrade my future husband in the beginning, but she is trying to accept him now knowing that i persistent (like my sister) choose him to be my spouse for life. Sometimes i'm scared knowing that i may have the similarities like her. I do not want to go near her. She is the one who taught my everything, but i feel insecure if she around me.. She is like a control maniac, and always told us about her past, repeat n repeat over and over again, and didn't want to see it as the past that need to be let go.. She blames us and push us hard (only God know to what purposes), and didn't want to listen anymore. I thought she got depressed because she is too hard to herself and getting older.. But when she got old, she need to rest to someone. If her husband can't, the responsibility should fall to one of us. Brother is in faraway country, sister is in a faraway town, only me that she can depended on.. But what if she ruined my marriage life due to her uncontrolled characteristic.. i am using very soft words to her nowadays, i will not lie that i use very rude words to when i lost my patience.. she told me that i am a whore even she didn't understand what word is she chose and what topic she brings she just need to blame me, just because i no longer a child that obey her.. and i reply very very rude to her too.. never expected to this point, even when we apologized to each other, there is this fear... i am scared that one day i will become like her.. i need to respect my mother, but i do miss her old times, when she is still attached to our old families.. she is broken, and i don't know what way....how to heal her.. her negativity, her depression, how to confront her selfishness, her broken heart, when we got nothing to say, she thought that i no longer loves her and i love my mother in law more. I really don't understand how to break her negative assumption.. I want to be free from her negativity.. i need some solution.. sorry for texting so much.. i need to write or i am gonna explode

[tigger]

It's not your responsibility to heal your mother. 
It IS your responsibility to take care of yourself and do what you can to allow healing of your hurts.  Get counseling for yourself - before you get married.  You deserve to be strong, healthy and without fear - this includes fear of the past, fear of your mom or fear of what you'll become.  Counseling will help you be strong enough to overcome your past, be the best person you can be and become the best wife and mother.

[Davy]

Mrs. U .... thanks for posting and reaching out.

Tigger gave you some very very good advice and many others will also hold out hope for you.

Best to you !!