First time poster - and in need of help

[David1979]

Hi - I'm so glad that I found a resource online where I can go for some good information - I thought I was alone in this. So here's my story: a year ago, my (soon to be ex) wife and I decided to split. We signed a divorce agreement, and she moved in with friends. I stayed at the house (which was rented). She came back a few days later and told me that she was pregnant - and then disappeared for a few more days. When she returned, she told me that she had decided to get an abortion, and I agreed - and gave her $300 for the procedure. She told me a week and a half later that it was done - and we were done with each other. I saw her twice in the next three months, each time for only a few moments, and she never said a word to me about anything - just said she was stopping by to say "Hi".  Whatever. Fast forward to June 14th of this year... when (you guessed it) she gave birth to my son, and told me that she was giving him up for adoption. I was a bit shocked  (to say the least) - and I had to call my present girlfriend (who is an angel, and whom I'm having a baby with in January) and tell her that my ex never got the abortion - imagine the stress that this has placed on her and her pregnancy. It's been pretty rough. I immediately paid for a paternity test, and it was confirmed that the child is mine - so I had to figure out what all of this meant.  I talked it over with my girlfriend, and we agreed that there was no way that a my son could go through life without a father - so we asked my ex if (instead of adoption) she would give me the child - and she said yes. I called the hospital to see what paperwork had to be done to pick up the baby at the hospital - and they told me that my ex had no stated no intention to give the baby up at all. I knew something was up, and called her back - and she was furious, telling me that I was interfering with "her time with the baby" and needed to just "walk away for awhile". Obviously, seeing as how dramatic the impact of all of this had been on my family, I couldn't do that - and continued to call her over the next few days. She took the baby with her when she left the hospital, and (other than a moment at the paterninty test that week) I've never seen my son - and I've never, ever held him. I tried to take her to court immediately for custody -  but the attorney I talked to advised that I try to contact her and "work it out" between us. Over the past three months, that is all that I have tried to do - over and over again, in letter after phone call after email after text message I've tried to get her to see some sort of reason. What I would like is to have joint legal and physical custody of my son - and she has refused. She says that it's impossible because of her breast-feeding, and while I completely understand the right of a mother to choose to breast-feed, in this case I feel that she's doing it for no other purpose than to have a reason why she doesn't have to let him be a part of my life. She has another child of her own, and doesn't work - she lives at a friends' house, and as far as I can tell, pays no bills on her own. She recently shut off her cell-phone, and even though there is a house number where she is staying has told me that I can't call there because she doesn't pay that bill either. I rent a great two-bedroom apartment, work hard (but with a very flexible schedule) and have a stay-at-home girlfriend who is raising her four-year-old daughter while waiting for our new one to arrive. My home is perfectly stable, with no chance of change. What are my chances of getting the custody that I want? She is living on the good graces of others right now - and I can't see a court wanting that child to be in such an uncertain situation when another, better option presents itself. I almost forgot to mention that I've already been to court once (on the 5th of Sept.) to decide support - and I've already started paying that every week - and that's not a problem. My problem is that I've just filed the paperwork to bring her to court for custody - and I keep reading that fathers are pretty much screwed when it comes to our rights.  Given the rather odd nature of this scenario, shouldn't a court be more apt to listen to a good dad who only has the best interests of the child at heart? I know that this was a loooooong post, and I'm sorry - but this is my child's life here, and I don't want to her to continue keeping me out of it. Thanks in advance for any help you might be able to offer.

- D

[mistoffolees]

My advice is to get a good attorney. An attorney who tells you to just work it out yourselves isn't doing you any good.

As for the rest, there are lots of rumors that courts won't give custody to dads, but there are plenty of fathers with custody posting here, so don't put too much credence in the rumors. There may be some bias in some locations, but don't go into the process assuming that justice will never happen.

[David1979]

Hi - I'm so glad that I found a resource online where I can go for some good information - I thought I was alone in this. So here's my story: a year ago, my (soon to be ex) wife and I decided to split. We signed a divorce agreement, and she moved in with friends. I stayed at the house (which was rented). She came back a few days later and told me that she was pregnant - and then disappeared for a few more days. When she returned, she told me that she had decided to get an abortion, and I agreed - and gave her $300 for the procedure. She told me a week and a half later that it was done - and we were done with each other. I saw her twice in the next three months, each time for only a few moments, and she never said a word to me about anything - just said she was stopping by to say "Hi".  Whatever. Fast forward to June 14th of this year... when (you guessed it) she gave birth to my son, and told me that she was giving him up for adoption. I was a bit shocked  (to say the least) - and I had to call my present girlfriend (who is an angel, and whom I'm having a baby with in January) and tell her that my ex never got the abortion - imagine the stress that this has placed on her and her pregnancy. It's been pretty rough. I immediately paid for a paternity test, and it was confirmed that the child is mine - so I had to figure out what all of this meant.  I talked it over with my girlfriend, and we agreed that there was no way that a my son could go through life without a father - so we asked my ex if (instead of adoption) she would give me the child - and she said yes. I called the hospital to see what paperwork had to be done to pick up the baby at the hospital - and they told me that my ex had no stated no intention to give the baby up at all. I knew something was up, and called her back - and she was furious, telling me that I was interfering with "her time with the baby" and needed to just "walk away for awhile". Obviously, seeing as how dramatic the impact of all of this had been on my family, I couldn't do that - and continued to call her over the next few days. She took the baby with her when she left the hospital, and (other than a moment at the paterninty test that week) I've never seen my son - and I've never, ever held him. I tried to take her to court immediately for custody -  but the attorney I talked to advised that I try to contact her and "work it out" between us. Over the past three months, that is all that I have tried to do - over and over again, in letter after phone call after email after text message I've tried to get her to see some sort of reason. What I would like is to have joint legal and physical custody of my son - and she has refused. She says that it's impossible because of her breast-feeding, and while I completely understand the right of a mother to choose to breast-feed, in this case I feel that she's doing it for no other purpose than to have a reason why she doesn't have to let him be a part of my life. She has another child of her own, and doesn't work - she lives at a friends' house, and as far as I can tell, pays no bills on her own. She recently shut off her cell-phone, and even though there is a house number where she is staying has told me that I can't call there because she doesn't pay that bill either. I rent a great two-bedroom apartment, work hard (but with a very flexible schedule) and have a stay-at-home girlfriend who is raising her four-year-old daughter while waiting for our new one to arrive. My home is perfectly stable, with no chance of change. What are my chances of getting the custody that I want? She is living on the good graces of others right now - and I can't see a court wanting that child to be in such an uncertain situation when another, better option presents itself. I almost forgot to mention that I've already been to court once (on the 5th of Sept.) to decide support - and I've already started paying that every week - and that's not a problem. My problem is that I've just filed the paperwork to bring her to court for custody - and I keep reading that fathers are pretty much screwed when it comes to our rights.  Given the rather odd nature of this scenario, shouldn't a court be more apt to listen to a good dad who only has the best interests of the child at heart? I know that this was a loooooong post, and I'm sorry - but this is my child's life here, and I don't want to her to continue keeping me out of it. Thanks in advance for any help you might be able to offer.

- D

[mistoffolees]

My advice is to get a good attorney. An attorney who tells you to just work it out yourselves isn't doing you any good.

As for the rest, there are lots of rumors that courts won't give custody to dads, but there are plenty of fathers with custody posting here, so don't put too much credence in the rumors. There may be some bias in some locations, but don't go into the process assuming that justice will never happen.

[Ref]

I think the whole "dads don't get custody" thing is just a setup for failure. It is harder, especially if the baby is breastfeeding, but it is not impossible and I think it is getting much better.

Get a good family law attorney that specializes in Father's rights.

Also, don't think that the judge and the attornies haven't heard your story a million times before. I think when we all start researching we think our case is vastly different from the rest, only to find out that it is depressingly common. I guess it is because of the 'bad dad" image in the media... but I digress.

Good luck
Ref