Moving Forward

[dipper]

It's been awhile since I posted. Quick background - father and mother of grandchild never married.  They split up when child turned one.  My husband and I are on the joint custody order with son - her mother is on order with her.  After a year and half of fighting/court and finalized order, the parents got back together.  Son's house is a pig sty and mother chose to move in with him and asked my husband and I to care for child until they could clean it up.  That was on July 23rd.   We still have child.


We consulted an attorney one month in who recommended asking them to sign off on us having primary custody since this is the role we play.  She would never do that.....son would.   My husband talked to him and he would...however, I have been reluctant to pursue anything as my  mother is very ill with cancer and my husband recently found out that in addition to cirrhosis, he has liver cancer.  He needs a transplant.  He still gets around, takes care of grandchild, etc...But, there is a lot on my plate.  My husband feels we should pursue custody for the very reason that he is ill.  We would have to stay out of state when a transplant is performed.  We need everything legally squared away for child.



The other grandmother, who is on the order, has seen child around 15 days since July.   Mother of child has spent 9 days/nights with her - all at the grandmother's house (8 in August, one in October).  My son has spent NO nights with his child since being back with the mother.  They see her on outings with us but that is it.  We do not get any financial support from any of them.


We have had child around 107 days out of like 122.   Their house is still disgusting - I am talking literal trash just thrown around, numerous trash bags in every room, plates setting around in throughout the house with food on them, and dog feces everywhere..dried on the floor, smeared on the walls.   CPS will not investigate unless child is in the home...which we never want to happen.   They suggested calling a building inspector.


Here is the issue I am battling with - should we sit down with both parents and request they relinquish full custody to us (which I believe the mother will bolt and we will be back to old order at that time) or do we go straight to the attorney and have him file for us?   


Either way I feel it will be messy.....I just don't want to have to give up child as we have been her only stability basically all of her life and in the past several months for sure.

[ocean]

You already have joint custody so not sure what you are trying to do? Does the order state exactly their visitation times/days? You can go back and say they are not taking child on xyz days as court ordered but why?

I would talk to the lawyer again with update. Once child is with you 6  full months is usually a good time to go for custody but usually they start off with temp full custody but taking away rights from both parents will be very hard. You have child and in control now so why rock the boat. Maybe start the talk of..if we have to move out of state for a while can we take child? but really can you take care of child being away from home and spending so much time in hospital. Is the other grandma stable enough to take child at least for a few weeks after surgery? Anyone else for those weeks...Get a temp plan in place for that/

Good luck!

[dipper]

Thank you Ocean.  Our thinking on trying for primary custody is this - stability for the child.  Parents each have issues that hinder them from parenting anyway and together, it's toxic.   As is apparent from their lack of parenting since being back together.  I don't know if you remember me posting before about son being out of his head for days on her xanax and pain pills.  Still has access to those and they both keep running to ER's and doctors with complaints of pain. 


Specific times are laid out - but in the context of us/son have child from this to that..and then she/her mother have child during specific times.   So, they could push and take child all of the time being they each are on the different dates if they ever choose to do so.  That is where the problem really comes in - child could be with us for a year and then they decide to move or split up and there is that court order that says we have to follow that schedule and allow it. 


One reason we have delayed seeking any change is that we do have child and worry that the mother will bolt if asked about custody.  We have kept asking ourselves, do we wait until something happens or try to head it off?



We do have family that will step in and help out with child.  I am sure her other grandmother will help as much as she can, but that is limited. 

[MixedBag]

Personally, I think you need to let sleeping dogs lie until you get 6-12 months of documentation of when the child stays with whom.

You've been in court way too much and I would be very careful because you are asking the judge to basically give you sole custody away from Mom, Dad, and HER grandparents.  (Mom's parents).

UNLESS they are all incapacitated..... (remember I'm trying to be neutral and give good advice), I don't think a court would do that.

Then I see a huge problem or rebuttal on their side like you shared.

And a calendar of where she was each day, combined with pictures to show she's happy, and pictures to show the filthy living conditions, should protect you and a child from a court order that reverses everything.  And NO  I disagree with the notion that Mom can use half, and dad the other half, leaving you out in the cold.  YOU are supposed to have half along with your son....so you are "using" or taking his half. 

Sometimes the answer is not to not rock the boat -- and simply let them know you'll be "out of state" -- and what's the real definition for you out of state (like across the state line for the hospital because that's how it is where you live -- like the "big" hospital where my mom live is in a different state but only 3 miles away).....and even though common sense hardly ever seems to prevail in court, I'd apply common sense.... 

Your grandbaby has had it tough....and it sounds like it's gonna get tougher....so I'd start getting other family members as regulars in her life as you push through this.