What do we do?

[BonusMom]

Long story (aren't they all....) but here's the highlights:

I have a 10-yr old stepson who currently spends time 50/50 between our house and his mom's and has done so for about 3 years now. Legally however, the custody decree says mom is primary guardian with dad getting the state guidelines (every other weekend, holidays, etc), so the "extra" time we get with him is really up to her.  We still pay her full child support and pay for all of his "extra's" - haircuts, school lunch, camps, school supplies, etc - so that she will "allow" him to do the 50/50 and we can keep the peace.

Several things have happened in the last few years and we are at our wits end of what to do - whether we try to go back for custody modification so he is with is primarily or when is the right time....

Examples of some issues:
- Most recently, she took stepson and her other child (from another father she is not involved with anymore) on a 400 mile trip to see her new boyfriend. Weather was below zero and snow forecasted, yet she still went.  Drove back in the dark, got in an accident.  Hit ice and knocked out a window and dented up the rear and door wouldn't close all the way - single car.  She just put a plastic bag on the window and drove the remaining 75 miles back with the 2 kids in their coats. Keep in mind the wind chills were -20.... no one was hurt bad, stepson says he's okay but his leg hurts "a little".

- For this trip she took stepson out of school a half day early. Not a huge deal, but she told stepson to lie to his dad about it and tell him he didn't miss any school.  Stepson told us the truth tonight and felt bad about the whole situation.

- stepson's behavior at school is decling and has been an issue for several years.  Teachers keep saying he needs consistency and disclipline but it is not enforced at mom's.  

- He has no hygiene at his mom's house.  He never brushes his teeth and rarely showers there.  Yes, maybe not a huge deal, but he will go a week without brushing his teeth if he's with her the whole time. This is really starting to affect his teeth.

- He still has pooping accidents. He will have chunks fall out of his pants and/or stuck to his underwear/pants.  He says he doesn't know why, and we've worked and worked with him to try to help, but mom is in denial and says that there's nothing wrong. We took him to the Dr a few years ago and Dr prescribed some medicine, but mom got very upset and refused to give it to him when he was there, which completely defeated the purpose of the medicine.  If we take him to the Dr again now she will freak out, and probably revoke the current 50/50 we are doing so we will see him less.  

- There are so many other issues which are probably not important in the eyes of the court but are important to us.... but i'm wondering if the above issues are "big" enough to go for custody modification now or if we just continue to document and wait until he's old enough to have his opinion weighed also.  

Any advice??  Thanks in advance....

[FLMom]

Welcome to SPARC BonusMom!

I am a technical NCP mother although we have 50/50 custody, so I know what you're talking about. The little stuff that adds up.

Here's my thoughts. . .

1) Freezing car trip:
Not so smart on her end, but fairly trivial. If you balk about it in court, she'll just say "accidents happen and the trip was a one time deal". I think you're going to have to let this one go.

2) Missing a half day:

It looks like a big deal, but like above, this will be written off as a one time thing. You're just going to have to teach him that honesty and trust are important in both homes, and that the reason he feels bad is because he should know that he can trust you. You can't do anything about the incident itself, but you can use it to teach him that it's always OK to let you guys know what's going on.

3)Schoolwork and behavior:

If you haven't already, it's time to come to the realization that her house is going to be haywire and yours isn't. I'm not being flippant. . . you have to find the zen of knowing that you can't do anything about the other household, otherwise you'll go insane (I've been doing this for four years now).

What I've done is tell our kids that despite which house they're in and what excuses they come up with, their report card is a reflection on THEM as individuals. Just because the other household doesn't make them study and lets them stay on the PS2 all afternoon and evening does not excuse poor reports. It's their work and no one can do it for them, therefore they need to act responsibly and show maturity by doing what they know they need to do.

(You probably already know this, but kids are aces at playing one household against another. When you take that out of the equation and make them responsible for their own things like study habits, the playing field becomes a little more equal. It's really easy to be mad at the other household, it's much harder to fix the real problem, and then we're back to the zen thing.)

No hygeine:

See above. Let him pick out a neat-o toothpaste and hairbrush and maybe some hair product if he's into that. Instead of waiting for the ex to step up, find a back-alley way of doing it. Make him responsible for his own hygeine no matter where he is. This is fought in two parent households too.

(I've done this last part and then some. . . even down to "the talk". )

Poo-marks:

Ahhh, skidmarks. Know them well. Once again, instead of blaming the other household in what they do and don't do, find a way to rectify it yourself. Most of it comes down to not wiping, and making this a major issue between households is not the answer. There's no medicine that's going to make this better, in my opinion, than gathering up his underwear and letting him clean them himself with soap and a scrub brush.

Nothing you've noted is big enough either individually or collectively to go to court about. Some of the onus is going to have to be on him. Go to your state's online statutes and read what constitutes change of custody and you'll see. Is it frustrating to have to deal with?. . . oh heck yeah. But if you can find a way to put blinders on the frustration with the ex and realize of lot of this is actually fixable if you can find a way that works. . . . it's going to make the years to come. . . say it with me now. . . a lot more "zen".

Good luck and let us know how things are going, and welcome again to SPARC!

FLMom

[BonusMom]

Thanks FLMom for your honest and detailed feedback.  That is really what my gut told me, but you know when you're in the situation it's easy to get caught up in the emotions. We've had many talks with SS about his benhavior and being responsible for his own actions no matter where he is, etc... but it doens't seem to get anywhere.  And we feel like we're always the "hard hand" discliplining him for his behavior at school or bad report cards when mom tells him it's no big deal.   But we know we have to stay consistent and all we can do is hope that when he's older he can look back and appreciate what we've tried to do for him and not hate us in the meantime!

 I do have to remind myself often that we can only control what happens at our house.... I like the "zen" comment though. :)  Will keep working on it.....to be continued....

[BonusMominRI]

Hang in there Bonus Mom. I love the name, BTW- you must have some northern europeans in your life ;) Bonus is so much nicer than step!

I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from. The poop falling out of the pants, I would think, would be an indicator of a serious problem. Have you brought him to be evaluated by a psychologist? Some little skid marks may not be too out of the ordinary, but not nuggets falling out of his pants. That's a serious incontinence problem that should be treated somehow- if she won't give meds, try something else! That makes me very worried for your boy. I wouldn't sit on it and wait for him to grow out of it.

As far as dealing with the ex, document, document, document! It's so hard to stay on top of keeping an ex journal but sometimes that's all we've got! And should you ever take her to court, you will have a leg to stand on while she fumbles for excuses.

Those are my only recommendations. I feel blind and searching for the answers as to how to keep these kids happy, healthy, and safe with the rest of you! Hang in there, and keep your wits about you.

[gemini3]

I'm a bonus mom too, and we've had almost all of the same issues... kids with short sleeves and no coats when it's snowing out, not brushing their teeth (they complain that the bathroom at mom's house it 'too disgusting'), taking them from school early to see a movie that just came out if they're going to be with us for the weekend (she likes to be first), no showering, skid marks, holey clothes, poor study habits (mom has said that she is fine with whatever as long as it's not below a C), kids playing grown up video games... the list goes on.

The problem is, the courts don't care.  They will chalk it up to "different parenting styles".  They, at least in VA, treat changes in custody the same way they treat removing a child from it's home in social services issues.  There has to be some major problems for them to act.

I totally agree with what FLMom said.  I wish I was better at the Zen part.  I've been doing it 3 years now, but things still throw me for a loop.