HELP!!!

[junkyardflower]

Hi, all. Hoping for some advice/opinions.
I am currently 22 years old and 15 weeks pregnant.  I live in Pennsylvania and am not married.
I know it's early, but I have concerns for what will be in the best interest of my child in terms of custody once it is born.
I don't feel the baby's father is mature or responsible enough to care for a child.
Earlier on in my pregnancy, I had issues with bleeding and was put on bedrest. For those two months, he was not there physically or emotionally. I saw him only once during this time frame. I was even sick for 2 weeks. Still nothing. My calls and messages to him would go unwanswered. If and when he did call, it would be at 1 or 2 in the morning when he got home from the bar and I was trying to sleep. He made no effort to work, saying that (even though he's 24) he has to grow up so fast and sacrifice so much and he couldn't handle it. When I told him he was being a crappy boyfriend for not being there for me.... he responded by saying I was just feeling sorry for myself.

He smokes pot regularly..... or at least he did when I was around.
I'm not sure what goes on there now, as I haven't been to his house in a couple months, but whenever I was there, people would go in and out of the house at all hours of the night. These people also use, and some even sell, drugs.
The house has been broken into. And stuff gets stolen from his home all the time.
He had people smoking cigarettes and pot there WHILE I was pregnant in the house... so I had to stay up in his room by myself while they were downstairs having a good time.
I pleaded with him to get these people out of his house. He didn't. I left.

Furthermore, he is always at the bar and I feel is an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure he has a DUI. I know for CERTAIN he has driven drunk. Even crashed his car into a fence. The only reason I'm not sure if it is on his record, is I'm not sure if he left the scene after hitting it.

I have seen him act out in anger. He will punch walls or throw things. There was an incident where a friend took his car without permission. He went to the friend's house, and found the car, only to jump on top of it, and kick in the windshield. These are things I don't want my child to witness.

He even once stated that I should move in with him because otherwise he'll have to get his own crib and pay me child support. His reasoning was that, instead of, it will be what's best for the child.

I also, under no circumstances, want his mother to be left alone with the child. I know the baby's father disagrees with my concerns. However, his mother has a history of overdosing on pills and is diagnosed as being bi-polar (the baby's father is also). She gets in moods where she refuses to pick up the phone or answer the door to anyone and locks herself in her house with all the lights off. What if she gets in one of her "moods" when she is with my child?

She also has been calling my phone repeatedly (3 times within a 10 minute time frame) and paging me, saying I need to talk to her. If I don't pick up the phone, she leaves messages threatening to come to my house, get my father's number at work to call him, and go behind my back and tell my parents of my pregnancy. I haven't told them yet because I want to make sure it's at the right time. But as an adult, that is MY decision to make. I go to the doctor, eat healthy, take my vitamins every day, and in general, take good care of myself. So it's not like there is an issue that needs to be addressed. She just uses these things as a way to get me on the phone so she can tell me how I have to "start planning a future with her son or I'll regret it." I feel her behavior is unstable, childish, and manipulative. I know the baby's father will have her around it, probably even watching it alone, so that really worries me.

I don't feel these people are good influences for a child. I don't feel they would provide healthy environments. But I DO want my child to have a father who is part of it's life. I want it to grow up with 2 parents who love it and have it feel that love. I never want my issues with the baby's father to affect the baby's happiness and well-being. I just honestly worry about leaving these people alone with my child!

Now the baby's father, within the past 2 weeks, has gotten a job as a waiter. Which is really good. And NOW he wants to be included and says how much he loves me and the baby. When I bring up that he had the opportunity to be there, he brushes that off as no big deal, just a small mistake. A TWO MONTH long mistake!? Who's to say, once the baby gets here, he won't make another two month long mistake. I don't love him... at time time I thought I did... but I realize now, I don't. And I definitely don't want to be with him. But I don't want to exclude him either if he IS trying... I'm just not sure how sincere he is or that he is even capable of being a good, responsible father.

Even still, he is just playing childish games. He called me 2 days ago saying he had important things to talk about.... I said okay let's talk.... noooo it has to be at a dinner. I say I don't want this to be any more dramatic or drawn out and ask him again to just talk with me on the phone, but he won't. He said he couldn't think right then and it had to be at a dinner.

I'm just not sure what to do. Or how to go about handling things properly. I really just want to do what is best for my child. So I'm wondering what would you do if you were me? Try to work things out? Prepare for the worst? And what seems better for the child... joint custody? Sole custody?

[poohbear]

If all that you have said is true, then you should have sole physical custody, offering him joint legal so he can be involved in decision making if he chooses.

However, visitation for a newborn is usually best set up with the father coming to your home to visit a couple times a week for an hour or two. As the child gets older, the visitation increases and the father takes the child on his own.

Depending on what state you are in, there may already be minimum guidelines already set up for this. If you'd post your state and county, I will try to find out for you.

[Zephyr]

Just to put things into prospective- this man does not legally owe you anything while you are pregnant. He also will have no legal rights to the child until he is adjudicated the legal father of this child by a court.

[junkyardflower]

That makes sense as I don't want to completely exclude him and I want the baby to have a father presence in it's life.... I just want to make sure my child is safe, properly cared for, and is not in a bad environment or placed in any danger.

I live in Pennyslvania. I've looked around a bit online but haven't really found much in terms of minimum guidlines so far.

Thanks so much for the help/info!

[junkyardflower]

I know he doesn't owe me anything......and I never once asked him more money or anything... but he should have been there.... I think that says a lot about his character...... if he can't handle a pregnant girlfriend, how is he going to handle a baby?  If the baby is sick, is he gonna go to the bar instead of be with it and say it's just feeling sorry for itself too!?

Also, to allow his friends to be smoking pot in his house while I was there and pregnant is unacceptable. That puts mine and the baby's health and risk. And of course he was down there smoking it with them while I sat alone in his room. To not use drugs around myself and his unborn child he DOES owe me.

[junkyardflower]

Oops. You also asked what county I live in... missed that at first.

Luzerne County, Pennsylvania.

[Giggles]

But thankfully, I was a bit older than you and had a very stable job.

I think you need to focus not on what he's doing or not doing.  You need to focus on what you need and what the baby needs first and foremost!!  Raising a child on your own is hard work, expensive and emotionally draining.  Are you prepared for that?

My YD's father walked out when I was 6 months pregnant.  I finally started getting CS when she was 3 and she didn't meet him for the first time until she was 6.

I think you should certainly check into Sole custody.  With his drug and alcohol problem, you may want to have supervised visits and a stipulation that he be clean (no drugs) and sober (no alcohol).  Also, you may want to start documenting everything now, keep comunication via e-mail and read some of the articles on this site.

Remember, you cannot contol what he does and with whom.  Control your emotions and reactions and above all "Put your childs needs above your own"!!!

[Cookiemomma4]

I completely agree with Giggles.  My 6 year old's father is diagnosed as bi-polar and things ended when I was 3 months pregnant.  He also has an alcohol problem.  
Document, document, document.  This may give you the right to request psych testing and drug testing as needed after the baby is born.  You must know though, that he may very well be clean and sober by then which will make it much more possible for him to control his bipolar swings.  Also, here in the lovely state of PA, unless it can be proven that he is a direct risk to your child, he will eventually be given unsupervised visitation by the court systems (so if he is abusive to others, but not your child, it may not matter; if he is making poor choices, it does not matter as long as they are not causing quatifiable harm to your child...as a concerned mother I know how scarey this is!)
I would be talking to your parents soon too...take the power of threat away from his mother and they can be some of your best allies!  I am sure that they will also want the best interests of your child actualized.  Let your ex know that you are not willing to continue direct contact with her and that you are documenting each of her communications (would LOVE to say that you could record what she says but you can't...if she is leaving voice mails, SAVE THEM!!  They can be used in a PFA hearing).  If she continues to threaten, talk to your local courthouse about filing a protection from abuse order.  It won't stop her from coming in contact with your child eventually, but it can go a long way to control the abusive and threatening phone calls and such.
Also, look into your counties co-parenting class.  It will be required after paternity is established and you have a custody order in the works.  Really, the sooner the better IMO.  You may realize that there are things that you could be doing to make your situation better now in terms of communication and also how to keep yourself in the best light possible after your child is born.  

On the flip side, my 6 year old's father is now sober.  He has supervised visits although we have never gone through our county offices (Lehigh County here, he started the process once but then stopped when he figured out that I was being fair with him and his situation).  He works as hard as he knows how at being a stable influence in our daughter's life and they do have a pretty cool relationship.  If it weren't for an underlying medical condition that changes his personality when it is an issue, he would be having unsupervised visits by this point for at least short periods of time.  

Good luck to you...remember you are emotional now and you never know how things may work out after the baby is here.  It is often said that women fall in love with children when they know of them, but men need to see them first.  You never know what the future might hold.

PS  If he decides to quit his job or gets fired and applies for SSD, remember that your child is eligible for a dependant payment on a monthly basis but the paperwork needs to be taken care of for it- it is not automatic.  Keep your ears open ya know!

[junkyardflower]

Thanks for the response!

I am prepared to take on the responsibility of caring for a child. I know my life will never be the same again. It will be hard and there will be many sleepless nights. But I also feel blessed to be given this opportunity. And I have told my parents over the holiday and they are supportive and have offered to let me live with them until I get on my feet. Yes, I want to have a career one day and my own place.... but until then I know that a loving, stable environement is here for my baby.

Keeping contact via e-mail is a really good idea... that way there is none of that he said/she said business. Everything is documented and what's said is said.

Supervised visits is what I would aim for... at least at first. And no drugs or alcohol is a MUST. Because I really don't wanna keep the father away from his child... I just wanna make sure the baby is safe when it IS with him.

Again, thanks so much for the advice!!!

[junkyardflower]

Cookimomma:

Thanks for your response also! You make a lot of good points.

It definitely is scary knowing someone can be considered abusive to others, but if not to your child, then he still gets to see it! Especially unsupervised! That is what I'm worried about.... if no one else is there to stop something bad from happening. =/

As far as my parents go.... I have told them and you are right! They are far more supportive than I ever imagined they'd be. They have offered to let me live with them until I get on my feet. My mom is even excited to turn my brother's old room into a nursery. (He married and moved out a couple years ago.)

My mom is also concerned about the safety of the baby with them.... and I haven't even told her everything.... just about the mother's behavior and his pot smoking.... I guess because I was embarrassed to be mixed up with such people in the first place. =/ But I know that's the decision I once made and now I must make the best of it.

I make sure I save every voicemail his mother leaves me for future reference. And I will definitely start documenting everything else now too.

And as for the bipolar issue..... I'm assuming your baby's father is on medication? Mine WAS on medication.... but no longer is.... I think due to financial issues.... he couldn't afford it anymore... or maybe he just stopped taking it.... I'm really not sure as to why. Would that make a difference that he's currently not on any medication?

Thanks again for the response! I agree the future is quite unpredictable and I really am hoping for the best!