I came for help and SPARC says abusers should get their victims back

[michelec3]

For SPARC to run the quote below, it must be run by men: 

              "We often advocate for fathers as custodial parents. Statistics show that custodial fathers
               are the most likely to encourage a positive relationship between their children and the other
               parent and to raise happy, healthy children."

What study would that be?  Are you familiar with the Sanders report?  Courageous Kids Network?  Lundy Bancroft?
The jekyll and hyde personalities are predominantly men, especially the personality disorders - and they are predominantly comorbid with other issues.    99% of the abusers are men. Even the american bar association says 70% of the abusers get their victims back and try to make the protective mothers lose their minds.  We stood in front of our children, tried to protect them, they were our world and now our world is gone.  The children are going thru more psychological abuse than you could ever imagine.   Are you familiar with Lundy Bancroft?   I was directed to this website by Parental alienation group for help and more baloney here for men promoting themselves as custodial parent. 

I stood in front of my children, stood up to the abuser.  He is as close to a narcissistic sociopath you can get without being Sam Vaknin.  My ex wanted to make sure the kids and then me had the same experience he did in his early life - drugged for "adhd" (ritalin actually controlled his rages), psychiatrists, social workers, behaviorists, counseling, truancy and knife pulling sent him to military school, then alcoholism kicked him from the military, anger issues at work I did not know about and then when I did it was all "bravado with the guys" until he got fired...  It was ok, just an accident.

His childhood history no one in his family would tell me - they were too scared of him.  They also stayed away.  Poor dear, he was the black sheep of the family - the pity play.  I dont wonder why now.  Sucked in by the good times and the 'poor me", I found out the truth after the divorce started, from dad taking son to psychiatrist to medicate for non-existent adhd - projection of his own conditions on others to medicate him and anyone else.  I read about his history in my son's file!

I told the truth about what was going on.  The GAL who always sides with the abuser men did not care, in fact helped the psycho and is still helping him. 

My daughter caved to his psychological abuse last May and I lost my children.  Unbelievable statements against a reality that has too much info about it and what has been done?  Too many men who do not want anything done about it, just state they are better matched for custody to make sure they keep the power and ensure more abuse.   

I thought the truth would matter.  I did not realize that is so far from the actual reality that anyone involved needs to be jailed.  Statistics.  I know statistics - they can be written to say anything if you want them to.   With blatant statements like that, what help is there?  None, unless you are a guy.

[MixedBag]

I'm sorry you have gone through this and feel that way.

I'm a mom -- and many here are women.

YES, the group and website started out focusing on a place for Men to get help and that's honestly what led me here.  My husband was the victim of abuse by his Ex-wife through and through....

What happened in the early years (realize this site has been here for 20 years), was that the owner realized that the pendulum swings both ways....  and the true focus is on the children.  So the name changed to what it is today. 

I will never argue statistics because if I learned ANYTHING in statistics class in college is that I can take a set of numbers and come up with the answer I need to support any position I need.  In court the judge will focus on your individual case......not some studies, and definitely cases that have gone before you in your state.

The rest....is fake news if you ask me.

[Waylon]

We realize that both mothers and fathers are victimized by court system, but it's always the children that lose the most. We do our best to help all parents in every way that we can.

[tigger]

I am sorry for your experiences.  Post questions and come here for advice and support.  This site is not biased.

From a difference perspective:  I was raised by my dad starting at age 3.  BM walked out and left us.  She moved states away with her new husband (her professor from school) She would show up at her mom's at Christmas and put on a show but that was the only time we saw her.  (Dad and, later, SM made sure my brother and I kept in contact with her side of the family.)  Years later, after having been told several times by my dad that there are three sides to every story (his, hers and the truth) I had a conversation with my BM about her side.  Didn't line up with any of my memories but again, I realized the memories of a child aren't always accurate.  I sat down and had a conversation with my aunt - her sister - the only one who would discuss it with me.  My dad's sisters and mom had promised never to say anything negative about my BM - a promise that to this day 47 years later, they have kept.  BM's mom wouldn't tell me anything other than to say that while she loved her daughter, she didn't like her choices in life and didn't understand them.  Her sister told me what she remembered.  I was 30 at that point and divorced.  Her version lined up with my memories a bit more and I believe the truth lies somewhere between her version and my dad's.

My ex, while not mental like your ex, wasn't father of the year material.

All that to say this, not all men are alike.  Not every judge rules the same way.  The strongest message these boards proclaim is "Put the child(ren) first.  Love the child(ren) more than you hate your ex."  That goes for both genders.

[Waylon]

The jekyll and hyde personalities are predominantly men, especially the personality disorders - and they are predominantly comorbid with other issues.    99% of the abusers are men.

I'm sorry, but this just isn't true. If you really believe that "99% of abusers are men", then there's obviously nothing any of us can say that would matter to you. After more than 20 years of operating this site and seeing thousands of incidents of divorce, we've seen plenty of abuse committed by both mother and fathers.

I wish you the best in your situation. If you need to vent or are seeking advice we'd be glad to help. With that said, though, we're not here to validate your bias against half of the parents in the world.

[Kent]

Couldn't agree more, Waylon.
There are abusers on both sides of the spectrum.