Custody / visitation of step childre

[BSevern08]

  Greetings.  I am new to this site and looking for some advice.  My wife walked out last month.  She had an affair through most of 2007 and came clean last March.  She gave me three months to get over it and then left.  She said she will not be back.  She took "our" two sons (my step sons) with us and left my girls with me.
  Since she left she has little to do with the girls (she was their mother for almost 7 years).  She does not want me to have any rights to the boys except when she is willing to let me see them.  No father role though.  I am the only father they have ever known (they are 14 and 13).
  Through counseling and research I have learned that my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder.  Thus I know she is unlikely to ever come around or be rational.  I want to be a father to my boys.  I am seeking advice regarding getting custody (which is unlikely) or at least favorable visitation rights.
  I appreciate any help.

[tigger]

stepkids.  Having said that, I think you need to think about this long and hard.  Attempting to get custody or visitation opens the door for her to attempt the same with your girls.  If she has mental issues, is it worth the risk to your girls?

[Kitty C.]

Legally, I don't think you're entitled to any rights to the boys, since you aren't their bio dad and you didn't adopt them.  And I agree with the other poster..........even if you were able to convince a court to allow you any rights, they would grant the same to your girls if your ex asks for it.  Considering you think she has BPD, is that something you're willing to do?

As hard as it may be, it's possible you may have to let this one go.  Yes, I understand that you are the only father figure they've ever known, but even if you were allowed visitation, it's highly likely that your ex will either ignore the order completely or try to thwart your ordered time with them as much as posible.  This could be litigated for MANY years, or at least until the boys come of age.  And who knows what she'd do to your girls, besides.

The thing is, if you've developed such a great relationship with the boys, trust me, they will never forget that.  So when they become adults, they could very likely seek you out on their own....and by then, there's NOTHING their mom can do about it.

[BSevern08]

I am willing to risk her getting visitation of the girls because honestly I don't think she would try to get it.  Also, I view the boys the same as my biological kids, thus I would do about anything to be with them.
  All the same, you make a great point that she can ignore the order and drag this out until they are grown and making their own decisions.  So far she has  lied to me 3 times to keep the boys away - the latest being this weekend.  So another weekend without the boys.  And, she has plans for them next weekend so there will not be a visit then either.  I recognize that my best chance for them is to hope and have a relationship when they are adults.  I just fear for the damage she will do to them between now and then as a result of her borderline personality disorder.
I appreciate the feedback.  Nice to know people care about others....

[Kitty C.]

If you have spent that many years with them and have such a strong bond, they may doubt that for a while if your ex tries to bad mouth you to them.  But like I said, once they become adults, they will be looking at things a whole lot differently.  For myself, regardless of how much I love my parents, I realized once I became an adult that they had shortcomings as parents.........certanly didn't change how I feel about them, tho!

You're lucky in that you were able to be in their lives for so many years.  If that weren't the case, and they were much younger, it would be much more difficult to cut through the badmouthing and brain washing that can go on after a divorce.  Children have a tendency to believe what is told them over and over, especially if they have nothing else to go on.  In your case, regardless of what your ex tells them, they will still remember what you did for them and how you feel about them...and will start to doubt and question her.

But as for thinking she wouldn't try to get your girls, do NOT bet on it. Exes like this have a tendency to retaliate if you go against them and have no qualms about using children to do it.  I know you don't see any difference between them being biological or not, but she does and the courts certainly do, too.

Here's an idea:  if they are involved with any extra-curricular activities at school, there is NO way she can stop you from seeing them there.  Go to the games and the performances and if you are able to talk to them there, even if very briefly, it will mean a LOT to them knowing you came to see them.  That will stay with them a whole lot longer than anything derogatory she can say about you to them.

[poohbear]

In Ohio for example, a third party CAN get visitation with children. They have to prove that they have a bond with the child(ren), and that continued contact is in the best interests of the child--not hard to do if you prove you have a bond and you aren't a drug addicted psychopath.

That said, in some states third party visitation by a step-parent can open the door to child support for the step children if their biological parent isn't stepping up to the plate. It HAS happened, and it's a nightmare for those who have gone through it. The legal reasoning is that you are an acting parent, even though not a biological one.

I agree with tigger that you need to give this a lot of thought. The outcome may be more than you bargain for given the mental status of your stbx.