new to this and need advice on visitations

[wlf]

 my story is a long one as i know many of you may have. i have an 11 year old daughter that i have been paying support for since october.i had been told about her years ago but asked for a dna and the mom refused to do one.she moved away and we never had anymore contact.it was always on my mind and searched for her.when i found her we began contact.after 2 years since we had been in contact and tired of waitng for her to agree to a dna i told her i was going to my local child support office for their help in getting a dna done and she finally agreed to it being done.turned out she was my child and we set up support and have paid every since.we did not want to involve the court in setting up my visits.we agreed to work together for the child. we agreed to first few visits being in thier homes.i have a wife and 2 other children and my daughter has a great stepdad that has been there for her.those visits have gone really well.but the problem is i live in nc and they live in wv.i would like to be able start taking her out to do things without her mom and stepdad tagging along always.i also want to start having her go to my moms (she lives 2 hours from my daughter) since that is where i stay when i am there.my daughter and i have been in contact for a year now.i call her every week,we email,and i always send her cards and gifts on holidays and birthdays.i feel we are starting to build a realtionship and for it to be a full one she needs time with me and her siblings without her mom and stepdad always there.they think its too soon for me to take her anywhere without them.what should i do? cooperate with them or file for visitations?
caring dad

[patton]

The way I read your message is that you have no court ordered visitation?  Correct?

If this is the case you are at the mother's mercy for whatever she will allow.

You need to set up court ordered visitation.  You will need to get an attorney.

Now if you have been having contact with the child for over a year I feel you have every right to have private time with her and your family.  What is the mother worried about?  Have you discussed what her issues are with you taking the child say for a weekend?

Also I hope you have been documenting ALL the things you have done with the child in the last year.

Good luck.

[wlf]

 no,there is not a court ordered visitation.we have been trying to work together on it without it coming to that.i know once i file for visitations then her mom is going to be angry and feel my daughters emotions are going to be what suffers through it all. her only reason for me not having private time is that she feels my daughter doesn't know me well enough yet to to be comfortable going alone with me. which when i asked my daughter the last visit if she would like to go to the movies and out to eat with me and my family she looked confused and said i don't know.then her mom spoke up and said would you feel better if we all went together and that was how it went.i feel she doesn't encourage my daughter to go with me.i have been keeping records of everything and i take notes of everything. caring dad

[Kimberly9]

I understand your need not to involve the courts.  But, until you push it there really is no way to change the situation.  An 11 year old is old enough to spend time away from Mom.  She is separated from Mom every day while at school and I am sure she visits friends homes etc.



Some ideas. . .

Keep increasing the communication you have with your daughter.  Buy each home a web cam so that you can converse and "see" each other over the computer.  Find out what she is involved in and try to be involved in anyway you can -- ask Mom to video tape, send flowers before a performance etc.  My dh is reading the Harry Potter books on tape and sending them to his son.  Be creative and work on the relationship in any way you can.

Keep talking to the Mom -- asking for what you need.  Start out small -- short visits away from home during the day with you and your family.  Move to weekends at grandmas and then approach the subject of time with you and your family in your home.

Could stepdad help any on your behalf?

Don't put the child in the middle by asking what she wants.  You and Mom are the adults and can figure out what is best for her and then act on it.

If she still won't budge. . . ask her to work out a parenting plan with a non-biased mediator.  It might be less threatening than court and a 3rd party might help you bridge the gap.

[Kitty C.]

One other suggestion, since there's NO way you're gonna get private time with her unless you take it to court, ask for a modified custody evaluation.  Have an objective (oxymoron?) 3rd party make the decision as to whether your daughter is ready for it or not.

[wlf]

i thank everyone for their great advice.i am going to talk with my daughters mom and hope we both can come to a better understanding and continue to work together for the sake of our daughter.
caring dad