What is right?

[Ref]

Sd is 13 and lives across the country from us with PBFH. DH is going to their area because they have a mediation date set. Legally he has no right to see his daughter during that time. PB did let him know that it was fine in an earlier conversation. Now she is mad and going back on her word. I know, he is screwed.

A few months back DH went to that state on business for 1 day but it was a 7 hour drive from the work location to PB's home. SD found out and was hurt that he didn't see her.

Should he tell her that he will be in her town? When she asks if he could see her, what should he say? She loves it when we visit her town and will be upset if we don't see her.

Thanks guys for any advice. I just don't know why this is a struggle.

[Peanutsdad]

If the ex isnt allowing him to see her,, then theres no point in hurting the child more with letting her know he is in town, but cant see her.

[oneandonly]

Respectfully, with PD.
Legalities aside (dad having no legal order to see child), I would at least keep trying with BM to work something out.
My husband went through a similar situation right before mediation and with some "initiative" (PM me here and I will tell you what he did to see kids before mediation), he saw the kids before their own appointment with mediator. They were happy, surprised and generally loved being able to see him. We suspected that the reason their BM did NOT want kids to see dad before mediation was that she was afraid he would "bad mouth" her or something like that. OF course, dad doesn't do things like this and never has....
The thought behind getting to see the kids before mediation was that, what if, let's say, the mediator is swayed to side with mom and stop all visitation? Then DH, dad, would not have been able to see them at all....

I'm also thinking that at 13, SD might be able to convince BM she wants to see dad while he is in town--no need to go into details of why he is there, but let her know he is trying....sort of leaves the answers up to mom as to why daughter can't see dad..

Please feel free to PM me on here and I'll tell you how, inspite of BM's hard efforts to keep dad from kids---he did see them...

[Peanutsdad]

Thank you O&O,, I think your answer is better..

[Ref]

BM keeps SD well aware of what is going on between her and DH. Of course this is her twisted view of the situation. She will undoubably tell SD he is there and chose not to see her... again.

If he doesn't say anything to SD preemptively, in all likelyhood SD will wind up being told something like that and BM will tell her that this was a personal conversation not to be discussed with DH. DH will be the bad guy again and will not know why unless SD slips and tells him again of a "private" conversation she had w/ BM.

Just like so many of your PBFH's, this one's motives are not noble. She had denied visitation when it was court ordered (one of the reasons he is taking her to court) because he didn't bow to her every whim. If they get in an arguement, the phone goes off the hook for days. She even said on the last call, her reasoning behind not allowing him to see SD was because he didn't do what she wanted. This woman blatently uses SD as a tool for control.

I know that telling SD about being in town will put her in the middle. That is why I am so confused. She will know one way or another. At least if DH tells her, he will be able to express his love and desire to see her. He can tell her that the courts rules are set-up now so that it is not up to him to be able to see her but that is what he is trying to fix and that summer will be coming in less than a month and he will see her then.

What do you think?

[oneandonly]

If there is time, can DH send a letter requesting visitation/seeing daughter during that time? Perhaps using the letter of intent for visitation on this site? (think it's called that?)
Be very open and friendly...open to times that might be available? that sort of thing.
Then, when she denies, in writing, or just ignores--take that with to mediation pointing out the effort on dad's part and her lack there-of?
Just an idea....
I'd still tell sd-again, not purposely pointing a finger at BM, but at least showing there is an effort on dad's part for contact.
I do hope everything else has been documented--the calls, etc....for mediation.....start making her reply or respond in writing, for sure~

[Troubledmom]

Perhaps just the simple statement that he will be there, but it isn't on a visitation day, so he probably won't be able to see her is enough for your SD to know Dad cares.
I would also follow O&O's advise of sending BM a letter stating a desire to visit... and make sure he takes it to mediation to help show Mom's unwillingness to cooperate.

TM

[Ref]

DH wrote in a letter to her that he would like to see SD and for BM to contact him in order to work out details.

I think he will tell SD that he will be there but it is not visitation time. He would love to see her and will do his best to do so, but it might not work out.

This is the same problem we had a couple of months ago when DH was flying in early for SD'd birthday, but said pick-up would be later so BM could take Sd out for dinner.  BM told him that she (BM) was not going to be around that night and would not be picking up SD from the babysitter's until late.  Dh said he would love to take her early so that SD did not have to be at the sitters for her birthday. BM said "too bad, so sad. You already said the pick-up was X:00pm and that is the way it will be 'cause you are not doing as I say"

DH said she was being mean and controlling all to SD's detriment, but BM didn't care. SD spent the evening at the sitters. SD later mentioned that her and her mom had a "personal discussion" earlier that week and she was so upset and stayed up so late with the discussion that she had to miss school in the morning.

Sorry this turned into a vent. I can't wait until she is 18!!!!