court ordered visit established, but..............

[genuwine]

My boyfriend and I just spent the last year trying for custody of his daughter,(in NY state) although we were suggested to be the better home we unfortunatly lost.  The visitation schedule is this......starting september he will get 3 weekends a month, blah blah blah, your typical set up with the odd and even stuff. The mother only wanted him to have 1 weekend a month (she is a very greedy person, her kids are only $$$$ to her)  We have decided to relocate back to California where we can make a better living for ourselves and not be legally harrassed by his wife, at the same time we will file his divorce there too.  Support takes 48% of his checks every 2 weeks which does not allow for us meet our needs.  We have the child 4 days a week and it is been this way for a year now, go figure.......  My question is this:  Our approach to changing the visitation schedule so as we have the child flown to us in the summer and on christmas vacations would be better off in court or should we ask her personally?  So far she has no knowledge of us relocating, neither does the child.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated...

[Peanutsdad]

"We have decided to relocate back to California where we can make a better living for ourselves and not be legally harrassed by his wife, at the same time we will file his divorce there too. Support takes 48% of his checks every 2 weeks which does not allow for us meet our needs."


Relocating to California isnt the answer. Not only will it NOT keep her from "legally" hassling you, but your bf will have to reply to any custody papers OR child support mods in New York. Trust me,, if he's making MORE money THERE, she'll file for MORE child support  in New York.

If he moves to California, that is a significant change of circumstances. That will prompt his "greedy" stbx to file a modification of visitation, stating that the current schedule is not workable. So,, he then would live in California, and be forced to fight AGAIN,, in New York courts.

[genuwine]

we r the one filing for the modification for visitation and support....based on the self support reserve, it is 12500 something.....based on his current wages his support income for himself is 10, 100.....well below the self support reserve, we r offering 50.00 per month.  As far as the visitations are...we are filing a modification for that too b4 we leave making everything specific as possibel, along with the order to make her do the visits. Hasseling us, I am meaning she is always calling Child protective services on us and the reports are always unfounded.  There have been 9 she has filed since Dec. of last year.  Ny also has a paper to filed where you can appear in court via phone .  I do not think NY will pay the money to extradite him back for her to do all the stuff if we file first.  The ex has no clue yet we are leaving.  She will not find out until 2 days b4 we leave.

[SLYarnell]

Moving clear across country AWAY from that child is the WORST thing you could do for that fathers relationship with his child, and their relationship with him.  It will also look VERY bad to the court! It looks selfish and thoughtless.  I would think long and hard before you make such a move.  And really why would a court order HER to do the visits? YOU are moving across the country???  There is just a brand new decision by a NY court where children were taken away from their mother due to false abuse reports you are in an INCREDIBLE place to state your case right where you are.  

[genuwine]

This is all fine and well, but it seems as though it would take a book to tell the whole of it....If the custodial parent had her way, we would not have visits at all.  Secondly it seems as though regardless of whether your a responsable father,which has his child more than the mother....We seem to be paying spousal maintainence fees for the ex.  Her extravent spending has caused the father to bankrupt over 80,000, and has taken us to below poverty level in our own living expenses.  We cannot financiall survive here in NY and it is getting worse.  Believe me I have done my research.

[Peanutsdad]

Ok, so it's not advise you are seeking. It's validation or absolution. See your priest.

We're telling you its a bad idea to move away from his child. You've already decided otherwise, so there's really nothing you want to hear. Good luck.

[wendl]

Well if Dad chooses to move out of state, be carefull, you will probably rarely see the child, if dad is the one relocating, then he willprobably have to pay ALL transportation expenses to see his child, which will be costly.

Its your choice, but how will the child feel about this. That $$ is more imporant that he/she is.


*******Sorry bm and her friends are stalking me and printing what I write"

"Whatever I write is my opinion based on being a mother and a stepmother and things I have gone thru, in no way am I giving legal advice as I am not an attorney."*********

[genuwine]

rarely seeing the child is one thing the father has taken into consideration.  He is a very good parent, the better parent for custody I thought and so did the law guardian and probation.  The mother of the child repeatedly exposes the child to known sex offenders, she has a drinking problem and is alson known for her sexual appetite with many men.  Her first Born demaded to go live with his dad due to her behavior.  The mother and her family repeatedly calls Child Protective on us, always unfounded.  The mother also neglects the childs health.  The mother will not quit with the father until she has him in jail agail, which she is trying to do about the support.  He pays regularly and she is trying to violate him again.  My thought is what give this woman the right to do all the things the court orders say not to and she can still get away with it, also the issues it has made for me.  This is not even my issue but she has thrown me in it.  We dont need clergy, we need peace and a break.  The issues the mother causes is starting to make the visits with the child unpleasant.  There is more to life than just always trying to pay child support, our bills are always neglected.  Living here in Northern NY, where the temps get way below -50 working for pple that dont hardly pay above minimum wage.....There is definatly something better out there than living like this.  Been alot of time we couldnt afford fuel for heat and my child support helps to pay his....

[Kimberly9]

I hear you saying that the mom is awful and that you would be the better parent for a number of legitimate reasons.  So I have to ask, how could you move across the country and leave your son with someone that horrible.  Your son needs you.  Look at it from his point of view.  If you leave, I think you are abandoning him and Mom gets what she wants.  

I don't think you get a break if you move.  It will get more expensive.  She will keep taking you back to court for more child support in a state where you no longer live.  You will be ordered to pay all visitation costs.   You don't end up saving any money.

There has to be a better solution.  Please consider what this will do to your stepson.  It really sounds like he needs you guys.

[Kitty C.]

Be that as it may, I have LIVED what you are attempting to do, and my son's father was the one who decided to take off (IA to CA, where we originally had lived).  If the BM is making it difficult for him to be in his child's life, I can GUARANTEE you that if you give her the opportunity by creating that kind of distance between you and her and the child, she will shut you out COMPLETELY AND PERMANENTLY!  I am NOT kidding....I only wish I was.

We moved together here to IA (my home state), but only 5 months later Dad decided he didn't like it here and moved back, taking DS with him w/o my knowledge.  Bad move.  Because it ended up costing him ALL visitation except every summer and EO Christmas.  That's ONLY because that's all either of us could afford to fly DS back and forth.  Then 2 years ago, he died of cancer.  Now I have a 15 y.o. son who barely had a father in his life before, but NONE now.  And he could be a poster child for what kind of effect that has on a child.  He is in therapy, in summer school for failing classes, and on a waiting list for Big Brothers and Big Sisters.

If your BM is that vindictive and spiteful, I can PROMISE you that moving to CA would cut you and the father completely off from the child.  Besides, if you're moving for economic reasons, CA is the LAST place you want to go.  It's the reason why we left, because we not afford to live there.

I agree with PD, if you're looking for validation, you certainly won't find it here.  Just remember that you WILL ruin that child's life if you leave now.  Put up with the BS for the sake of the child.  There are many here who put up with far more EVERY DAY.  That child NEEDS his father in ways it sounds you could never possibly undertand.  Do you really want it on your conscious for the rest of your life when you throw HIS life down the tubes???