restrict communication between son & BM?

[littlebit]

My 10 year old son is supposed to be with me for 6 weeks during the summer.  I am trying to decide how to handle the communications to & from BM while he is here.  

I feel so much anger towards her right now for things she is doing to us that I want to be sure that it is not clouding my judgment.  For that reason, I will not mention in this post the things she has done except those directly relevant to the question...

Every letter and phone call last summer was intended to make son feel bad about being at my house.  And he was noticeably disturbed each time.  Here are some examples of things she says to him in either phone calls or letters:

"I sit in your room & hold your things to try and be close to you while you are gone."  

"I will never give up on having you here with me."

"It makes me cry all the time when you are not here. I know you cry for me too."

"I just knew you would hate it there.  I'll come get you whenever you want me to."

"Just remember everything me and (stepfather) talked to you about.  We will never ever let anything bad happen to you."

"Your family misses you so much."

"(little brother) cries every day asking 'where's (big brother)'."

"I pray to God every time the phone rings that it is you."

Almost every letter had notes written on the envelope and on the letters in big magic marker:

"Please call me as soon as you read this!"
"Write me a letter right now!"
"Your Daddy won't let my calls come through!"
"I need to know you are safe!"
"I'm counting on you to call me!"

1) Should I restrict or monitor the phone calls and letters from BM to son?  

--There is a custody issue pending in court--

2)Will I look like I'm playing tit-for-tat to spite BM?  

3) Or will the judge realize I'm only trying to protect my child?

LittleBit's Dad

[skye]

You cannot deny her the access and look good believe me I know ... but If I were you I would print out every last email and get MODEMSPY they have a 30 day trial it logs and records every call coming in AND keeps a log of when and how long you can save to your harddrive and burn ointo a CD and take it to court as well It also says akll cvalls incoming are recorded and logged by modemspy so her speaking after  that says that she agrees to it and  then you have proof for court or at very least she lightens up on the phone.

[4honor]

that they make a parent cry. Making your Child reasonsible for your feelings is WRONG.

I think you SHOULD record. It is legal in most states if you tell the person they are being recorded.  

Please when your child gets there have a family member take the child for ice cream  (or other stall tactic) and call the Ex (so that child can't walk in on this). Identify yourself. Tell her Son is fine and went with Uncle Joe for the ______ he promised son last time he was here. Tell her that based on past history with her, that all calls "from this time on will be recorded." Tell her that you would appreciate her hearing you out... that she needn't say anthing if she doesn't want, but you would like to finish before she makes any comments. Let her know that her statements in the past have been detrimental to your child and that you are sure that while she misses your son , "AS I DO WHEN XXXX IS AWAY", that she would never want to HARM him... that guilt and overemphasizing her feelings to this CHILD is mental abuse... and that you are sure that is not her intention. (yes, say it all with a straight face.)  Then tell her that you will record all other calls to your home without further notice. .. that you will do whatever it takes to ensure XXXX is cared for appropriately mentally, physically and emotionally. Warn her that if the behavior continues, you will be seeking legal recourse to restrain her from further damaging him."

Don't do it before son is there or you won't likley get him. Don't do it in a threatenting manner... be sweet as pie.

At least that is what I would do.

[richiejay]

>>1) Should I restrict or monitor the phone calls and letters
>from BM to son?  
>
>--There is a custody issue pending in court--
>
>2)Will I look like I'm playing tit-for-tat to spite BM?  
>
>3) Or will the judge realize I'm only trying to protect my
>child?
>
>LittleBit's Dad

My ex has been pulling this shit since I got custody 5 years ago.  While I can't stop her from doing it while he (also 10 years old) is with her, I can certainly monitor/prevent it from my end.  Soooo.....

1) Yes....review the letters, if there is anything that you find inappropriate, delete it.  Phone calls can be done without actually eavesdropping on both of them.  Just keep an ear out for what your child says (you can kind of guess if ex is pulling the crap)..and end phone call if you deem it inappropriate.  "Littly Johnny has to go right now..he'll call you back at 7:00"..or something like that.
2)  I don't think so.   You are preventing your child from hearing/reading something that is NOT OK.
3) Yes, this is what I believe.

If she does it on the phone you can also interrupt the phone call and say "I need to talk to your mother"..and out of earshot calmly explain to her that she is more than welcome to talk to child but if she continues to make your child feel guilty then the phone call will be terminated. Keep us posted.

[littlebit]

I'm not familiar with MODEMSPY, but I will learn quickly.  This sounds like a good option.

I have tried communicating / rationalizing with BM about the stress she puts on our son.  I've talk to her, sent certified letters, sent e-mails.  No success.  

I even arranged counseling sessions for us last year.  The psychologist was appalled when he read the letters.  He tried desperatly to make her see the damage she was doing, to no avail.  Because of that, she refused to go anymore saying that he was incompetent and biased toward me.  That was the 3rd shrink she's quit going to because they were all 'biased'.

Does anyone have experience with tape-recordings in court?  
Are they allowed?  
Are they relavent?

Thanks!

[skye]

http://www.modemspy.com/en/index.php


what state are you in and I will look to see what the rules are for you there.

[littlebit]

Alabama.
Thanks.

[skye]

http://www.pimall.com/nais/n.tel.tape.law.html

this should help ...