It's begun again (another vent)

[oklahoma]

Two and a half years ago, SDs accused my husband of abuse because they just didn't like doing the chores at our house.  2 years of no contact with them followed.  Regular visitation started up again in September of this year.  (After months of counseling, where they admitted my husband did not abuse them.)  Now they are saying they don't want to come because I treat them "like crap."

When my husband pushed the issue and asked for examples, they complained because YSD had to clean the toilet without gloves (note: we don't have plastic gloves in the house, never have, not worth the expense--and I was not the one who told her she had to clean the toilet), and OSD complained because she had to make her own sandwich at lunch (age 12) but that I made my children's lunches (ages 2 and 4.)  That's it.  Actually one more thing, OSD had to do the dishes after her brother's birthday party--again, I did not ask her to do it, Dad did, in fact I suggested that she didn't need to because there were only like 6 dirty dishes.  What an evil stepmother!

Of course BM "believes" them, not my husband.  But when my husband tried to reason with her--ie "Imagine SDs were at our house and said they don't like SF (which they have on numerous occasions) and we decided not to send them back...."  BM didn't get it at all.  Rather than suggesting that the girls sit down with my husband and I and discuss their concerns (like a normal family), BM supports them picking and choosing when they get to come to our house and what they get to do here.  We need to "validate" their feelings, etc. etc.  (YSD doesn't want to come this weekend, but thinks by some miracle things will get all better and wants to come down for Christmas--a whole week--how selfish is that?!?)  My husband pointed out that BM signed a legal document just two months ago that specifically states SDs are not allowed to choose whether or not to come for visitation, she does not care.  BM knows she won't be held responsible because she never has.  My husband has said to me he won't pursue anything legally, because nothing ever comes of it.

Those little girls are headed for big trouble, and BM needs to deal with it.  They have their way at home, are completely disrespectful and dishonest to all.  OSD is just plain mean.  We have a very strong suspicion that YSD is ADHD.  SDs know that BM will let them say and do whatever they want, while their dad will not--what child/pre-teen wouldn't pick the lenient parent?  The biggest part of me wants to just drop it all.  Let them stay with BM--my life would be easier for sure, and it's not fair to jerk my children around, sometimes they see their sisters, sometimes not.  But that means when their lives are completely screwed up, they will come crawling back to Dad to have him fix it all for them.  (And it will happen--BM is duplicating her life for her children--when she hit bottom, she ran to Dad and "Stepmonster" until things were all in order, and now has no contact with them at all.  She chooses instead to hang out with--and let SDs stay with--the mom who abandoned her and who is now on her 6th or 7th marriage.)

The worst part is that I sit here and wonder how I got sucked into this big mess.  And knowing that even if I left, the mess would follow me and my children.  There is no escape.

[StPaulieGirl]

I think the whole idea behind their behavior is to make your lives miserable during visitation.  I'd watch my back though, because they've already made false charges against your husband.  I'm sure the girls haven't thought up this behavior all by themselves.  

I don't know what you can do about it, though.  I have a similar problem with my kids.  The difference is that I am their mother and have sole custody of them.  Starting with the separation, the 2 youngest kids refused to do anything.  One slipped and said Daddy said they didn't have to.  When we moved down to take care of my mom, the kids wouldn't help pack their belongings....so I left them  there.  My son was 12 at the time, and the little one was 5.  I would get emails from Mr. Wonderful telling me how much help they were with chores.  Eventually, I blocked sender.

My son trashed my parents home.  I couldn't keep up with all the mess.  I was going to school, then I got sick.  They wouldn't even clean up their own mess.  We're staying with my older daughter for the time being.  My folks house is being sold through probate.  They do chores for her.  Of course if they don't, she'll smack them )(

Of course if they wouldn't do their chores, I wouldn't take them anywhere.  No beach, no movies, no bowling.  The house has to be tidy before going off and having fun.  No allowances either.

I'm sure that your SD's will be around whenever they're in trouble.  It's up to dad to tell them where to go.  I wouldn't go out of my way for Christmas gifts.

Well it's not much help, but you aren't alone if that's any consolation.

[shawneetears]

I didn't see how old YSD was but the 12 yo is (IMHO) just plain spoiled.  This conflict is going to spill over and hurt your marraige if you let it.
You mentioned counseling....is that on going? It might help...even if you only talk to a minister, you need it as a family.

What concerns me is the impact the step children are having on your own younger children. Sounds like Dad needs a wake up call.... 12 is not a baby and he can either make them toe the line  or continue to compound the problem by letting them call the shots.

For your part....you may well need to step back a pace..... dont' let their lies tear your family apart.  My sis went through this...the kids lied in court, said dad hit them and SM was mean(BF and SM wouldnt' promise the kids anything or become more lenient just because they were going to court...I won't even mention the BM and SF"s hijinks)....they said they hated her, this after she took them into her heart and them telling her many many times over the years that she was like a second mom to them. After the case was over the children truly expected things to go back to the way they had been before the case. (which would not have been initiated if the kids hadn't told dad that they wanted to spend more time with him).
My sister chose to take a hard stand (and this may well NOT be for you) She will no longer let them visit in her home.  She doesn't deny them visits with their father; either she and her son leave for the day or go visit with the grandparents or her husband takes them to his mom's or out in the community.  But she will not let them corrupt her little boy...she will have a hard enough time raising him without such an influence.  The worst part is the kid's don't get it...they don't see that lying like that was wrong and they don't care about the damage they have caused.  She loved those children and she doesn't wish any ill to them but she has taken the stand that she can afford neither emotionally nor financially to give to the children as if they were her own when they have lied and after the boy (step-son) had hurt her own child (he had taken to hitting him every time he thought he might get away with it or being overly agressive "but I was just playing...".  

I am not saying this is the solution for your situation but somehow you and your husband need to regain control of the situation.  If it is nothing more than telling the YSD who did not want to come for the weekend but wants to come christmas for the week.....ok you can skip this weekend but I can only have you here for XXXX days during the holidays.... Whatever you do, stick to it.

Have a talk with your DH....he needs to understand your concerns.  Don't be confrontational, don't blame anyone, don't accuse...just try to come to some kind of understanding on this issue.
If he simply won't do anything then it will be up to you to do what is best for you and your children.  No matter how much you love them, you can't discipline effectively and maintain control if he won't back you.

BM needs to get a grip.  But that is not something you are going to have any control over.  I dont' know that I would advise trying to talk to her, from what you said it sure doesn't sound like she'd be very receptive and it may only cause more tenstion.

You can have a talk with the girls, let them know up front that you are wise to them and their games.  Let them know that you love them but you won't tolerate such poor examples for their younger siblings.

Obviously you can only do so much and it is very frustrating...alot of it is simply from one visit to the next.  Only you can decide what is best for your situation but you have a primary obligation to your own children and only so much influence on your step children.  I am not saying give up....just put your priorities in the right order for you and act on that.

Hopefully things will improve or at least settle back down for a while.

[wendl]

God I know how you feel.

Well for xmas, sounds like the only reason they want to come is for gifts. My husband and I don't spend a lot on his kids or my son as that this NOT what xmas is about. We try to teach his kids and my son that family is important etc.

My husband went thru the custody battle and his kids lost. I would go more into detail but his ex or her friends read my post.

You and DH need to sit down and figure our what the next step that you two are going to take in your lives, my husband and I did just that a few months ago. We will not allow his ex to control or ruin our lives, we are very happy and nothing that woman will do will change that. She can continue to live in her drama world and use people but dh and I are not that way.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[oklahoma]

My husband is actually pretty good about dealing with his children--he knows it is all a game for them.  The counseling was court-ordered joint counseling with him and SDs in response to their accusations.  They tried to pull the same stuff in counseling--kept saying they would not come to our house until Dad admitted guilt and apologized, even after they told the counselor they had lied about the abuse.  Finally my husband said "Fine, I'm done.  You just let me know when you are ready to start visits."  They were in tears, and begged him not to stop seeing them, so we started the supervised visits.

My husband called them Friday night and told them they could either choose to come all the time, and deal with the issues that we may have.  Or they can choose to come not at all.  He explained to them that it was not fair to any of us (especially their younger brother and sister) to have to follow their whims.  They didn't ever call back, so I don't know what their decision is.

The funny part about them wanting to come here for Christmas is that we have never had huge Christmases.  My husband is a full-time student, has been for the past three years, and SDs know we don't have a lot of money--but every time they have been in our house on Christmas, the first words out of YSDs mouth are "What did I get?"  Drives me nuts!!!

[shawneetears]

sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to make a descision and stick with it.  It is good that he has taken a stand...  those children are old enough to understand what he is saying and if they chose to not come then they must live with the consequenses.

As for the christmas thing...well they are just kids....sometimes the best way to handle it is make a joke...tell her that she got on santa's bad kid list for likely all she will get is a lump of coal....  I did it to my son and that was all I told him he was getting ....he'd been a reall terror (and he was old enough to know about santa)  so when it came time to open presents all he got was a lump of coal.....we let him strew for just about 5 min and then told he that he would find a few things in his room..  He came back later and we had a serious talk about his behavior and it was a much better year the next year....  (I am not suggesting do this, but this happened to work for me...my son is now 21 and a wonderful young man)

Its a sticky situation and one with no easy answers.  Since the ultimatum has been layed on the table you will just have to wait and see what happens next.  Maybe they will turn around maybe not....

Just try to have as happy a holiday as possible.




wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

[hagatha]

Oklahoma,


Ok, here's the facts. Mom denied visits for 2 yrs. Now when visits are just starting to go well, mom is trying to screw things up again. Now DH has decided not ro persue legal recourse for her actions.
Have I got that right??

Your best bet for right now is to stop letting her (mom) dictate how you guys live. The kids should be there on certain weekends, You make plans for those weekends and if the mom denies visits, so what. Go do what ever you had planned. And make sure the kids know. (that will get me blasted but) I'm not saying to make plans every week end, but if you do don't cancel just because the kids aren't there.

Even iof DH chooses not to persue a legal remedy at this time, he should still show up for pickups. Don't accept a call from mom telling him not to come. go anyway. This will show the kids he really does want them. And trust me, it will make a difference eventually.

As far as mom's claims about what the kids are saying. Completely blow it off in front of mom. What she says the kids are telling her means nothing. You could care less what she thinks, feels, or beleives. Not your problem.

Now as far as the kids. THEY ARE PLAYING YOU both for all your worth. She won't realize this ever. You can see their manipulations and make it work in your favor. Whatever "complaints" the kids have about your home, accept as the truth IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!! And in front of the kids, strive to make a change. Let me give you an example of what happened here. Mommy dearest claimed the brat had complained that I "forced" her to go shopping with me thereby denying her, her rightful time with her daddy. Mom of course flipped out because she hated me and didn't want me to have anything to do with the brat. The following weekend while dad was under the car fixing whatever I needed to go to the store. I took my children and left the brat home. She cried to me and dad that she really wanted to go. I simply explained that had she not complained to mommy dearest the week before she would have been allowed to come. In short I made her responsible for what her mother claimed were her actions. (well actually I made her see her mother lied to us)

When you stop allowing yourself to be played the playing stops

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[oklahoma]

It is extremely frustrating.  I sometimes feel bad laying it all in the SDs laps, because they are only 10 and 12; it is good to hear others saying just what my husband and I have been thinking--that the girls are playing a big game, and they ARE old enough to know what they are doing.

I really wish I could convince my husband to do more about BM legally.  But he has been in court a lot more than I, and been battling it out for a lot longer.  Even when he had one of the best--and most expensive--attorneys in the area, not a whole lot changed.