Rules and visitation

[Mellybug]

I am an almost-SM of two great kids, 4 yo girl, 7 yo boy. I've been with their dad for almost 2 years now.

They have always had "rules" at our house, that they have not had at their mother's, such as "BED TIME", and "PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF"

We had the cable turned off for a few months, since it was an unnecessary bill. Now that it is turned back on again, that's all the kids want to do. If they are not doing something that I've asked them to do, I will turn the TV off until it is done. They have a bed time that we always stick to.

At their mother's they have no bed time (the 4 year old was up until 11:00 last night), and they are allowed to watch TV or play video games to their little hearts desires, that way their mother doesn't have to DO anything, and can just do whatever she wants.

What is the best way to go about this? It has never been a problem in the past, but has just recently become a problem since I've had that damn TV turned back on again! (and use it as a privelege, not a right).

Thanks for your input.

Mellybug

[Kimberly9]

My advice is just to keep doing what you are doing in your own house.  Kids learn to adapt to different rules at different places.  

This probably is not a big enough issue to disrupt relations with you and bm -- afterall, you can't control her and there is no way to talk about it without sounding like you are putting her down.  Choose your battles and let this one go.  

Don't give up on the structure at your house though! The kids need it.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I second the motion.  Kids are really adaptable.  They will try to play you though.  They will manipulate by saying, " we are allowed to do fill in the blank at mom's" .  If you are at all human you will wonder if you're being too hard on them or god forbid, if they will end up wanting to spend more time at the more lienient parent's house.

Stick to your guns!!  They can't make a decision on where to spend time at their ages and they will benefit from your structure.  Although they rebell against it they secretely crave it.  It helps them feel safe.  At such young ages they get freaked out by too much freedom because they aren't equipped to deal with it.  

Gee, I wish my own were this young again.  Life was so simple then.  I am a mom of four children.  DS1 who is 15, DD1 who is 12.  Both these kids are not in my custody ( way too long of a story but the reason I discovered this great place) And with Dh I have DS2 who is 6 and DD2 who is just 2.  I'm in my early 40's and exhaused most of the time but absolutely love being a mom to all four kids!

Good luck to you. You are doing the right thing.  The kids will be fine. I wouldn't waste my breath talking to BM about it.  It's sort of " you do it your way and we'll do it our way."  Easier said than done most days but a great ideal to which to aspire!  LOL

[shawneetears]

Here's a third...if you really need it.  It is Your home.  Children have to learn that every place they go...work, schoo,l a friends house, etc... each has it's own set of rules and no matter how much they dislike them they abide by them.  
You can't help or control what the other parent does so it's not worth the argument.  Lay the rules out for the children and stick to them.  And, if they start the "well so and so lets me..." game....the answer is simple...  "honey, it doesn't matter what so and so does or allows....this is our home and here we do it this way" You can add why you made the rule if you want to but the main thing is to make it clear that you are not judging the other person you are simply establishing the boundaries they are to follow when in your home; no more no less.
wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

[bunnyfoo98]

another thing that you may want to do right away is to sit down with your soon to be DH and discuss the issues and come to some aggreement as to what is expected of the children while in your home. That way they are rules agreed upon by both... and no  matter what.. Soon to be DH and you need to back each other up.. if you say its BED TIME, DH has to back you up. Its the only way it works.

Also.. starting out, encrourage DH to do most of the rule enforcement .. he is their father and that way you can remain an intimate outsider (one who acts somewhere between a friend and parent in a step relationship)  You shouldn't be the main Rule enforcer, however, you should be treated with respect and they do need to listen and comply.. but dad needs to be the one to lay down the law so to speak..

good luck