Visitation issues

[backwardsbike]

I am NCM of two teens.  DS 17 and DD 14.  PAS is huge in my case.  Ihave maintained relationships with both kids only becasue I really work at it.  I see the EOW alternating hoildays adn half of summers.  Their father lives about 30 minutes from me.

By history my relationship has beens tongest with DS.  DD is very sneaky.  Very much pulled inot SM's family who are all in on the PAS.

Lately we have been going thru another round of false allegationsh by Dad.  Frist he reported us to CYS.  Report unfounded.  Then six days after the case was closed he accusedmy Dh of driking and driving the kids around in a car.  There was an adult present during this even.  It was a two hour weeknight visit which I had requested be changed as I have begun graduate studies at auniversity and needed to be in class. I spoke with the children that evening from the university at 6:20PM.  They said the visit was going well adn nothing was amiss.  At 7:15PM my Dh got a call from the dad who said eh was in our town adn would DH want him to swing by adn pick the kids up from ur home instead of having to drive them to the drop off point.  DH declined saying he would be happy to meet X anywhere in town but did ot want him att he house.  They aregeed to a meeting place adn DH drove the chilren there on time at 8PM.

A few days later X has my attorney served with a petiton declaring that the children had called him for an early pick up due to my DH being frunk and them being scareda dn that the visit ahd terminated early. WTH?  That isn't how it went down at all.

SO we wait to hear when there will be a hearing and a month goes by.  FInally we get an order suspending my parenting time pending a hearing on the issue.

I call my attoeny who cliames he never realized theorder called for suspended paretning time.  She calls the judge.  The judge is floored.  He thought he just signed a scheduleing order for the hearing.  My visits were restored with an order for one make up visit to compensate for the ne I lost in the confusion.

So kids come last weekend for the first visit back after all this mess.  hearing is scheduled for Nov 30.  I spoke with them about any discomfort wit the visit an they tell me their dad told the the visits were stopped due tot he judge worringi about thier saftey here.  Dad never gave them any explanation about why they were coming back prior to the hearing.  And it was a long weekend to boot.

SO Iexpalined that they judge adn't read the order carefully enough and had not ever meant to suspend the visits in the first palce adn that he just corrected his error,

My 14 year old DD stayed in her room all weekend!  She had to be coaxed out for meals.  SHe was talkative if I went in to speak to her which iI did often but this is not her usual way of relating to me or the rest of our family.  I have two other kids with my DH.

While she was in her room she seemed to enjoy time on the computer adn watching TV.  She didn't seem like she was upset about anyhtng .

At one point i went in to talk to her adn was telling her I wanted to remain a part of her life becasue I love her adn want to be there for hier in good times adn bad.  her dad had failed to inform me of a banquet honoring her for academic acheivement which had taken place two days prior to thier visit.  My DS had told me about being made to attend in my place adn this is what brought up the whole topic.

Anyways, she refused to look at me while I spoke. I turned her chair towards me but she kept turning so she didn't meet my eyes as I spoke.  It was heartbreaking.  It was obviously very hard for her to hear what I was saying.

WHo can give me some advice for the next visit?  It will be a long Thanksgivign visit.  And to make matters worse, our family dog just died today.  My DD loved that dog.

How can I get her to engage more with the family next visit?  Any advice for dealing with the death of the dog?

[lucky]

The first thing I would do is remove the computer and TV from her room.

Other than that, teens are difficult and I don't feel I've successfully gotten through to one of ours yet.  But, making it impossible for her to enjoy TV or computer without being out with the family might help.

Good luck.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[backwardsbike]

The computer and the TV are some of the few things she really enjoys about my house.  The kids are in the middle and always tend to feel somewhat responsible for the difficulties between thier dad and I.  I was afraid to remove the computer as I did not want her to think I was punishing her.

I am begining to see that there may not be any "right" answers here.

Perhaps next time I will work on the same principle as AA.  Attraction rather than promotion.  I will have to "stage" activites that she will find irresistable and that will only occur OUTSIDE her room.  That seems so contrived, however, desparate time call for desparate measures, I guess.

[lucky]

I'm not saying take the computer away, just move it to the room that the rest of the family is in.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Ref]

an I am sorry about the loss of your doggy, but how about going to the pound or breeder and picking out a new puppy?

14 is still really young to hear some of the things she is hearing. I know your pickle. If your ex is already saying stuff, how can you defend yourself without talking about it? My suggestion is ask her the questions. Such as "How did it make you feel that I wasn't at your award banquet?" and say "I really am sad that I could't make it but I am sooo proud of you" and if she still seems mad "Why do you think I wasn't there?".

To be honest, this is a brand new way that we are handling a similar situation and I am not sure how it will work. Basically, the idea is to have the child do almost all the talking and have her explain to herself why things happened. This is supposed to help her think for herself instead of believing all of the ex's crap.

It is also hard to hear some of the answers that they will say. They will repeat the crap that the ex already put in their head. You have to stay calm. (DH has a very hard time with that part). When she says "you are not a good mom", you need to tell her that you want to know why she thinks that. etc....

Good luck!
Ref

[Sherry1]

in the computer room with our computer and a TV.  If he had his computer in his room, we would never see him, it would be a form of isolation.  At least in the computer room I can talk to him, and we have some sort of social life.  He does have a TV in his room but he rarely watches it.