Re: GIVING UP

[happy2bstepmom]

Me and my husband have been through many things.  One of them that has yet to go away (AND NEVER WILL)is dealing with his PBFH ex-wife.  We have went from not speaking to her, to trying to be friends somewhat.  She finally let BF have his daughter at the age of 17.  She says that he will still need to continue to pay child support because it is owed to her.  Even current support.  I don't get that one.  She hasn't worked in over 4 years.  She calls us continually for money.  She says that her working isn't relevant to her child.  My husband has become very depressed.  I don't know what to do.  He has always tried to do the right thing.  He is an electrician and as you know in winter months can become temporarily unemployed.  He does odd jobs and find other types of work in those months.  Ever year they bring him back to court to revoke his probation and license.  Anyway, my point to this story is what to do.  My husband is giving up and I can understand why.   He is not a dead beat dad, and loves all of his children very much.  He has no rights, no say so, no opinion, and it doesn't matter that he has his child.  His ex-wife never works and lives off of the VA money she receives from her ex husband who committed suicide and child support(approx 1250.00 total)plus spouse income.  She hasn't work in over 4 yrs and before then only a couple of times.  She gets free medical and pretty much stays at the doctors office using that as an excuse of why she cannot work.  She stays xanax, valium and much more.  All she has to do all day long is call the child support office daily to see when her check will be mailed and keep them on his #@%!  Anyone out there have any suggestions:  My husband just keeps saying he's doing the right thing.  Things will go his way someday.  I have always believe what comes around goes around.  I cannot afford to buy my son a new pair of shoes just yet, while she gets the child support check and calls to tell me about the cool tattoo she just got.  Im just venting and trying to make sense of this crazy stuff.  We are lost and do not know what to do.  Will she ever be made accountable for herself and her child?  Any insights or encouragement appreciated.  Thanks for reading, and sorry so long...THANKS RENAE

[thairagain]

You need to sit down and have a heart to heart w/ your dh.  If he currently has custody of the child then he shouldn't pay the x any CS.  But....... he needs to make it legal through the courts.  Got to the courts and file for custody (if it's not already done), and then file for CS to stop being paid to her, and for her to begin paying CS to your dh.  

Now....if your dh says he doesn't want to do that for whatever reason......then let it go!!!!  It will then be time for you to disengage.  The bright side is that the child is 17, so CS will stop either way soon.  If your dh is depressed then suggest that he get into counseling.....if he doesn't then....let it go!!!!!  Disengage!!!!!  Take care of yourself; you get into counseling and learn how to disengage from this situation.  You can't worry yourself to death about things that are literally out of your control.  

Don't speak w/ the x anymore.  Let her leave voicemails for your dh and suggest that your dh call her back instead of you.  If your dh doesn't call her back....then let it go!!!!  Take yourself out of this equation.  

Believe me, I've been in your shoes.  The best thing I could have ever done was to disengage from these type of things between dh, sd, and the bm.  Now this doesn't mean that you literally don't speak w/ your dh about these things, but the trick is to only speak of them when he ASKS of your opinion!  Then give your opinion and ......then let it go!!!!

Now I'm not saying that I don't become irritated from time to time about these things.....but I either come to this site and rant and rave or I do so w/ my counselor.  But in the eyes of my dh.....I have disengaged.  I give my opinion when asked and then that is it.  No more NADA..... my stress level is much less and I enjoy life a whole lot more now.  And my dh and I have a better relationship.  What more could you ask for???? lol

DISENGAGE!!!!

thair

[Indigo Mom]

First things first.  Tell your husband to STOP GIVING HER MONEY!!!!  My hub works with this guy, who's child support order is in the 300 range...but everytime the ol biddy calls whining...he sends her money.  He did almost 4 years in jail for a bunch of little crimes that added up, and during that time, his father (the grandfather) sent her $1200 per month.  At the time, there was no child support order.  The past few years, this guy (dad) has sent her at least that outrageous amount...if not more.  

This broad will call because she's getting evicted...he sends X amount of dollars.  The  ex calls because she's X amount behind on her "new" car payment...he sends that money.  I shit you not, this broad calls at least every other day.  Neither her OR her boyfriend are working...cause this guy keeps sending money.  He is living with his dad cause he can't "afford" to live on his own.  He has no vehicle, he has nothing...cause probably 90% of his money is going to the ex.  I've been telling the dumbass for over a year now to abide by the court order that went down a year ago.  He won't do it.  His fault.  

When you give an ex one inch, they take 50 billion miles...and it's up to your husband to tell her to get bent!

One question you should be asking is...why the HELL he's giving into her every demand when it comes to money????  Your husband is NOT doing the right thing by bending over and taking it in the hoohah whenever his ex calls.  He needs to focus on the family that's living in his house right now...which includes the child he's giving money to the ex for.  HE has the child...he should NOT be sending her money.  Eh eh...wouldn't happen here, I'd have done whooped his ass loooong ago for this.  

IF he has arrears, he needs to pay those.  And ONLY those.  He needs to go to court, get the order modified...then slap that biddy with cs payments.  Maybe that'll shut her hole?  

Oh, if you think it's gonna end when the child turns 18?  Think again...she's used to getting whatever she wants from your boyfriend...she'll continue.  Hubs coworkers oldest child turned 18 6 months ago and mom is STILL crying for the same amount...and threatening to "raise" the amount.  

He can't "give up".  You tell him "I" said so!  lol....Giving up means he's going to be dealing with this crap for the rest of his life.  Why roll over and play dead for a PBFH that doesn't care two shits about him?

[kiddosmom]

Hello :)

OK first, how long have you had the 17 year old? Is there other children?
Second, STOP giving her $$ !!!!!!!!!
It is not yours or your BF's responsibility to pay her a dime more then CO.
If you continue to do so that is your own fault.
Third, take the pbfh to court and get custody changed, have her start paying cs to your DH.
Is the child happy being with you? She will have no choice in the custody if the child wants to stay with dh.

Good Luck!