At my wits end...

[Mellybug]

This is the story:

PBFH walks all over my boyfriend. He's too chicken to stand up to her, and thus goes into depressions and mood swings and I catch the brunt of it. Our relationship has been for a little over a year, and the last 6 months have been a rollercoaster.

As in any relationship, we've both done some stupid things, and we've got a lot of history together- good and bad. Most of them stemming from me having to deal with his ex.

Without going into the history - yet again - he has two wonderful children that we now have full-time. My boyfriend is NOT used to it, and has really gotten bad towards me. We can't even go TWO days without him getting bent out of shape at me for some perceived wronging. In the end, when I stand up for myself and then later apologize for "not handling his mood better" he says that it's his fault, but he NEVER does apologize.

Then, two days later it happens again.

I HATE (and I mean it in the WORST sense of the word) his ex for all she puts him and the kids through (which is more than anyone should ever have to bear). But, most of the problems with her would work themselves out if he'd just STAND UP FOR HIMSELF to her. But, he won't.

So, I guess with every one of these arguments I become a little colder inside. I love the children dearly, and it's going to be SO hard to let them go, but I'm losing my sanity here!

I'm originally from the West coast and have been missing it so terribly. I know that I'd be much happier away from this situation, but I do love them so much. I'd like to say it's worth hanging on for...but I HAVE been hanging on...

Anyone else have any words of wisdom?

Mellybug

[Peanutsdad]

Yes melly,, I have just a teensy weensy bit of advise....


1. It's a hellova change in a home once the kids come to stay full time.

2. Get your nimrod boyfriend in counseling,, pronto. Get both of you into couples counseling,, double pronto.

3. It's not just you now hun,, how are the kids with you?? You letting them go might be hard, but how will they handle it?

4. It sounds as though you have been the glue in the "family",,, are you sure you want to get out? Only you can answer if its time to call it quits,,,none of us can do that for you.

5. Touching back on 3 for a moment,, tell the bf it aint a request about couples therapy and further therapy for himself for the depression. It seems he has an anger management problem to go with his depression. I have to ask,, how on earth did he overturn custody to him?? Was BM THAT messed up??

[Mellybug]

1) Yes, it has been a heluva change since they moved in. Funny, though, the main problem is NOT how things are around the house with them here - it's the mood swings my boyfriend now goes through. The kids are adjusting well enough - given the fact that their mom has been working too much to even bother to call them. We' ve been able to make some seriously great progress with them, and they seem a lot happier.

2) He WILL NOT seek counseling. I tried both single AND couples counseling, and he agreed to it, but then 2 days before the actual appointment (yes, we had one set), he and I had a talk about some things, and he said he was feeling "much better" and didn't feel it was necessary any more. He admits to having a problem, but, like so many other problems in his life, he will not do anything to better the situation.

3) I KNOW it's not just me and him now, and that it's the kids. That's pretty much the main reason I'm not gone.

4) Yes, I have been the glue. BM and BF (BoyFriend) are so wrapped up in their own problems (with eachother) that they can not spare energy for positive time with anyone (including the children).

5) SHE WILLINGLY GAVE CUSTODY TO BF becase she's working as a tax preparer, and doesn't have TIME right now to spend time with them. She will spend 1-2 nights with them, then not see them for a week or more. She won't call them, they have to call her. But, during that ONE night a week that we get to ourselves, she will call here for some stupid reason or another.

Anyway, I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom until I get an apology.

Thanks for your input.
Mellybug

[Kitty C.]

PD is absolutely right about the counseling and I'm not surprised that you BF said no to it.

I just separated and filed for divorce from DH last week.  He deals with a PBFH who is just as much a bitch as yours and alcoholism based on hurt and pain from abusive parents.  I've had to put up with that and verbal, emotional, and now physical abuse.  He assaulted me back in Nov. while he was drunk and after having an argument on the phone with PBFH, then taking it out on my son (mine, not his).

I've talked to him a couple times since DS and I moved out and one question I had for him was WHY.  Why did it take me moving out and filing to be the proverbial 2X4 upside the head to make him realize JUST HOW SERIOUS the problems were?  Because the assault certainly didn't have that effect.  All he could say is that he does realize it now.  But I've heard that before...........

I walked away from a SS as well, a boy who right now has two totally dysfuntional parents.  My heart just breaks for him.  And this weekend (tonight) will probably be when he finds all this out.  And he also will have his 10th birthday on Tues.  That was the hardest thing for me to do, to walk away from him.  But MY and MY SON'S safety and wellbeing must come before anything else.  I never could do anything to protect my SS then and I certainly can't now either.

DH is FINALLY now saying he realizes he has a problem.  I gave him the name of the counselor I was going to, but given the depth of problems, it will be a LONG time before he's even got his head on halfway straight.  And DS and I don't have the time or the willingness to disregard our wellbeing to wait around for that.

It sounds like your BF needs the proverbial 2x4 upside his head, too.  Another way of looking at it is hitting bottom.  And everyone's is different.  I was certain that it would take my moving out and filing to FINALLY make DH see there are problems that he CANNOT ignore anymore.  And I was right.

There is ONE thing that I found to be absolutely true, tho.  And that's putting your money where your mouth is.  For 5 years I had put up with the lies and broken promises, the verbal assaults on me and DS, and NO amount of talking, pleading, or begging did any good.  The ONLY thing that made any impression on DH at all was ACTION.  Last fall, I stopped talking and started DOING.  I started going to AL-Anon and to a marriage counselor, by myself.  His attitude changed somewhat, but only in the aspect that HE knew I was going into action, tho it still hadn't hit him.  It took me getting completely out of the home and relationship to make him REALLY see.

Will we ever get back together??  At this moment, I seriously doubt it, because I have too many scars on my heart, too many broken promises to deal with, and too much abuse to try to forget.  I've already told him I do NOT trust anyone right now, and it will take a LONG time till I ever will.

Melly, first and foremost you MUST think of yourself and your wellbeing.  You cannot give an ultimatum or drag him into counseling, because he will just resent you for it.  I told DH that I didn't do that for the same reason and he would never realize that it was HIM that needed help, not us.  I did everything I could, but when I made it halfway, he was nowhere to be seen.  Do NOT go any further than halfway, as a relationship is a two way street.  He must meet you halfway or there isn't much of a relationship to even build on.

My views are no doubt clouded by my own current experiences, but you are in a much 'better' position than I am, if you can call it that.  Because you have NO ties to him.  Like I've told many others, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  If YOU know in your heart that YOU'VE done everything that you could to save your relationship and he still refuses to meet you halfway, then you need to cut bait and run.  Your top priority is YOU and don't ever forget it.  

Good luck and God bless............

[thairagain]

Nearly 2 years ago, I did the same thing.  I kicked dh out, because of his drinking, and emotional and physical abusive nature.  I love sd soooooooooo very much, and it killed me to do it, knowing that I would probably never see her again.  My boys (from my first marriage) hated me for kicking dh out.  He had been their daddy for 8 yrs, so he was all they knew.  I was the bad guy all around from nearly every angle I turned.  BUT...... my whole family (including dh) now agrees that it was the best thing that could have been done.  It woke dh up.  He is now nearly 2 years sober.  We are back together and we now have a wonderful relationship.  Not everyone's situation will turn out as mine, so the point is that it is now up to you, Melly, to take action and let the chips fall where they may.....good or bad.

God Bless

[FLMom]

Small interjection here---

Could it possibly be that your boyfriend is on pins and needles
cause he's trying to make sure everything is "perfect"?

I understand alcohol and emotional problems occur too, but I'm
talking about the basics here.

I know that my dh sometimes says and does things that make
me cringe. It's just the way he was brought up---not neccesarily
"bad", just different. But since I'm trying to make sure
EVERYTHING is complete perfection right now. . . .wow. . . .
it's so much pressure to be under. Court looms and
if one of the kids say the least little thing is out of line and causes
the judge to tilt his head to the side JUST a little bit. . . . it's not a fun
way to live, but unfortunately in the world we all have or are
experiencing it's the norm.

I'd also like to interject and say that right now, if custody is still
either on the fence or being watched closely, therapy is not the best
way to go. Medical records can be called and the last thing you want
is your heart and soul read into the courtroom records. Find his best
friend. Give him some "guy time".

Take it from me. I don't need my DH in the other bedroom. I need
him right beside me. I clue him in gently, cause there are a lot of
subtleties to court and custody that an "outsider" just doesn't
understand.

FLMom

[oklahoma]

My understanding is that counseling records cannot be released to the court or anyone else without your permission.  Our ex's attorney tried to get my husband's records from court-ordered therapy.  First of all, our therapist was furious and absolutely dumbfounded that the attorney even asked.  Secondly, our therapist did not respond to the attorney, rather she sent us a letter to forward to the attorney saying essentially that the court requirements were met and she could only release records with my husband's permission.  Third, the ex's attorney did not push the issue at all.

Did we miss something?  Are there occasions when medical records can be released without your permission?  I'm sure if she could, my husband's ex would use his therapy against him--he is currently in joint counseling with his daughters (also court-ordered.)  Counselor said the records were completely confidential.  Do we have to be concerned about it?

Another note on counseling, our counselors requested that I was involved in my husband's counseling.  We had several sessions together, some separate.  It was a great thing!!  We were very lucky to find someone who let us pay on a sliding scale--only $20/session.  Just a good thing for the whole family.  Even though my husband went in with the "problem" (according to the courts), the counselors were very concerned about MY well-being in dealing with the ex's antics.  And once you get there, it is not as scary as it looks on the outside.....

[kiddosmom]

I just asked one of our law guru's about that,, the answer was.....

yup
if they are relevant to the case they sure are subpeonable


thank you for the info TM.

[nosonew]

Do you have a regular family physician?  If so, give him/her a call, explain you feel he is showing signs of depression, and perhaps bf will see the physician and get on medication.  Sounds like the stress of everything has made him chemically imbalanced, perfectly normal, but needs treated.  Good luck!

[JoeTest]

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