my daughter doesn't understand her SS

[stepmom74]

I have a new problem.  My SD has taken it upon herself to not come and see us for visitation lately because she says she is having problems with me and doesn't want to be disciplined by me or her father.  Her mother sees no reason to make her come to our house and SD is only 10!

We have not seen or talked to her in about 3 weeks now and if that isn't enough, her mother hasn't been making her go to her counseling sessions.  She had one scheduled for July 1st and so my husband called to see if he could bring her and BM said that SD was with her aunt's family camping for the week and that she had totally forgotten about her appointment (If it was important enough for her to start counseling, don't you think she would remember to take her?!).  That's how wishy-washy this PBFH is and there is nothing we can do about it.  Anyway, as you can see, she didn't even have her at home to take her.  She always has one of her relatives watching her and it drives us crazy.  Not only does she not want to see us, but her mother doesn't spend any time with her either.  That's why she has so many problems.  She has absolutely no structure in her life and when we try to give it to her she says she doesn't like us.

Well, back to my original problem.  My daughter loves her SS to death and really looks up to her.  She talks about her sister all the time and is always asking me when her sister is coming to stay and why we haven't seen her.  Every conversation lately has revolved around her SS and I don't know what to tell her.  It breaks my heart that my SD cares so little for the people that truly care about her and she is so selfish to be doing this to the one person that really needs her.  My daughter is 5 now and is the only child at home until our new baby is born.  I am due at the end of August and I know having a real sister will help with her loneliness at our house but it still confuses my BD as to why her SS doesn't want to see us anymore.  She often says that she doesn't like her sister since she doesn't like her anymore.

How do you tell a 5 year old that her sister is being a snot and doesn't want to come because she just wants to get her way at her moms house?  How do I explain why she doesn't want to see her only sister?  How do I tell her that she doesn't like me and so she doesn't want to come to our house?  I feel like my girl has gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to having a normal life because of her sister and her BM.  People worry about the kids with stepparents but what about the kids who have SS or SB.  Nobody knows how hard it is on them!!

Anybody know what I can do to help her through this so she doesn't feel like her sister hates her?

Fed Up

[stressedstepmom]

We are going through a similar situation. ss's are 12 and 13, my bs's are 7 and 10. SS's came to visit us in April for 2 weeks and everything was fine. Everyone had fun, we went and did a lot of things in northern VA. About 2-3 weeks after ss's returned to BM, DH received a nasty email from BM saying he was a lousy father. 2 days after that OSS sent DH and email echoing BMs email saying that DH was a bad dad and that ss didn't want to come here for the summer. A few days before all the nasty emails started DH talked to BM on the phone and BM was trying to back track on the summer visitation dates (we get them for 6 weeks). She had made plans with her new bf for the summer and was telling ss's that they could only do these plans if DH changed his summer dates. In BMs email she stated that her new boyfriend, his daughter, her and the boys were a family and that they were happy. That they had plans for the summer and ss's wanted to stay home and not come to VA. In OSS email he said some nasty things about his 2 sb.  We can't think of any reason he would say the things he did. Other than it is all a game to hurt us and make us want to give up so they don't miss the plans their mother made)  All boys have always gotten along. Yeah they fight occasionally, they are brothers after all, but there has always been a good relationship there. Our 2 bs know that something is up, but we have kept them in the dark as best as we can. We feel that all of this needs to stay between the adults. BM doesn't agree and has gotten SS's involved. Our 2 bs really miss their brothers. It is hard on them because they want to see them or talk to them but all access is denied by BM. All we have really been able to do as far as our BS's is tell them that their brothers are going through a tough time right now but that they love them and we are sure that they miss them too. We know that all this is a game that BM is playing, we have never had a problem with either SS.
Good luck with your problem. I know it is hard, we are going through the same ordeal right now.

[stepmom74]

I think the BM's jealous of the good relationship our family has with my SD that she is trying anything to wreck it.  The last time we had my SD she was just fine for the whole weekend.  We had fun and I only had to get after her once for lying (we have a major problem with that right now and we are trying to nip it in the bud!).  We had no problems with her until my husband called her the next day to see why she wasn't at her softball practice that her and her mother insisted on signing her up for.  She said she quit, she didn't like the sport and that she didn't like me anymore either.  That came out of nowhere to us!!  Like I said everything was good just the day before.  Things don't change that fast in a kids mind.  She's 10 and I know her mom convinced her that she hates me.  

My daughter is still asking me why her sister isn't coming to see us and I don't really have an explanation for her.  There really is no reason other than she's just being a snot to me and her dad.  We haven't talked to her in about 3 weeks and her mother won't tell us whats going on either.  I'm at odds about the whole thing because she should come whether she likes it or not but I don't want to be the one that has to deal with her right now after the things she has said about me.  My husband has been working every weekend since this ordeal so I would be the one to have to watch her.  I told him I'm not going to.  I don't want her or her mother to think they have won but I don't think that I have to deal with the disrespect any longer.  Her mother has been putting me through hell since the day I met my husband.  She has tried dragging me through the mud for years and I've just gotten sick of it.  I don't care what she thinks of me but I wish she wasn't doing this to her dad and her SS.  

Some days I wish I never would have met my husband.  Isn't that terrible!!  We love each other very much but sometimes love just isn't enough.  If I would have known then what I know now, I wouldn't have gotten involved with this mess.  I give all the SM out there credit for putting up with the crap.  It takes a strong person to deal with their spouse's baggage every other weekend.

Good luck to you too.  It helps to know that I'm not the only one out there!

Stepmom74

[mango]

BM's have no comprehension of the attachment of teh kids to their half-siblings. Thye regard it as disposable. (Unless it was a half-sibling from "them" )

Our BM insisted that SD refer to her siblings as step-brother. While they are not step they are half. I nipped that right off. I told her it was hurtful to introduce them as "half". I told her that if we adopted a child into the family would we go around saying this is my real child and this is our "adopted" one.

She said no. I said why, she said it would make the adopted child feel like they are not really part of the family, an outsider.

I said thats right, so we can just eliminate the "legal" terms and be a family.

Anyway. you should insist on getting your visits, rekindle the relationships. Child of 10 can't decide anything, and the mother should not allow it either.

[oklahoma]

When our son was born, my SDs tried to call him their stepbrother.  But BM's son was just "brother."  We stopped that immediately.  No half's or step's in our family.  My husband's family was the same way--when I first met him and asked about family, he told me he had 5 siblings.  It wasn't until much later that I found out it was one brother, one half-brother, one half-sister, and two step-sisters.  I still haven't met the stepsisters, so they are obviously not super-close, but they are still his sisters.

I wonder if BM realizes the impact she has on our family (she's not the brightest.)  I know she is perfectly willing to mess with my husband's life, and probably not too concerned about the stress it causes me.  But does she even think about how confused and hurt our kids our?  My daughter is almost 2 and the only times she has seen her sisters is in a counselor's office.  My son is 3 1/2 and adores his sisters (especially YSD), and gets really upset when he only gets to spend 15 minutes with them and then sits in the car for 2 more hours to go back home.

Somewhat related, the last time we saw BM, she was asking about CS.  My husband was very diplomatically listing off a few of the problems with the "system."  BM made some comment about how she wasn't exactly living the "high life" and I had to put in my two cents--she was living on 2 1/2 incomes, while my family of 4 had 1/2 income.  She did look a bit shocked.  I don't know if she had just never considered that the CS was actually coming out of our pockets, not out of thin air, or if she was just surprised I actually said something about it.

[stepmom74]

My husband's ex and I have gotten into a lot of fights over child support.  For a while she took everything we had and didn't care that my husband had lost his job which was out of his control.  She took him to court because he wasn't making his payments.

Later, child support was doubled on us one year and she said she didn't need all the money and started to give us checks back for about 6 months or so.  Then out of the blue she decided she needed plastic surgery and told us she wanted to keep all the checks for a couple of months.  I told her the money she had been giving back to us was going towards our car payments and that we needed the money too.  I also told her that the money was for her daughter, not for her to get her boobs enlarged.  That really pissed her off so ever since then she has kept all the money.  I don't think I did anything wrong.  She gets about $700 a month for one child and she expected us to pay for a boob job.  Give me a break.

Thats the kind of crap we have had to deal with.  She also has a good paying job making about $18 dollars and hour.  Here in ND thats really good.  Up until recently she was married and her husband was making even more than that.  She didn't need that money to pay for anything but she still wanted it.  

She just got divorced this year, which makes about 3 men she's went through in the last 10 years.  Meanwhile my husband and I are still together and thats one of the reasons I think his daughter should live with us.  We have been that childs stability since she was 6 months old and her mom jumps from one man to another.  She is also abusing the child support system.  She uses the money for herself and leaves her daughter dressed in raggy or hand-me-down clothes from her counsins.  We have to supply her a wardrobe at our house which includes shoes, boots, coats, etc....  She says she will only supply her one outfit to send her home in after our visitation.  Shouldn't child support pay for clothes at our house too.  I don't know of many fathers who have to buy extra clothes for their house too.  She outgrows them and they are like brand new!!  It's wasted money to us but what can we do.

Well, enough about that vent.  BM can be one of the most selfish kind of people I know.

stepmom74

[mango]

We have 50/50 plan, no support order. Guess we are lucky in that sense. But as for clothes, we both supply clothes and the clothes she wears to our home go in a bag and go back to moms (dirty). The BM returns our clothes too (dirty). It's the best solution to clothes that I am aware of.

We have 3 kids in our family and can't afford designer clothes, but her BM does do the designer stuff (she has no other kids). Luckily SD is age 10 and could care less about what she wears. (for now). But I buy used clothes and they are just fine. She grows so fast, and it works out great for all.

I rather she wear our clothes because a few times (before our bag policy) she had soiled some of her BM's clothes from playing outside, and we had the rath of Con to deal with. (You dad s so irresponsible, can't even keep you clothes nice etc. etc.) Whew. So we prefer she wear our stuff so we have peace of mind.

Not sure what we will do when she starts to care about what she wears. :-)

[stepmom74]

That's what we do with clothes too.  I buy reasonable clothes but they don't have much for consignment stores in our area.  I want her to look nice when she's with us because I feel if she looks taken care of then I'll feel better too.  I think it's a reflection on the parents.  Her mother likes to dress her trashy.  Ever since she's been little her mother dressed her like she wished she could have dressed (she's not a petite woman! Ha, ha!).  Many people have commented to us about how her BM dresses her.  There was actually an article written in the paper about her school concert and the writer put that "one of the little girls was dressed like Jon' Bene' Ramsey (don't know how to spell her name-oops).  Her mother thought that was such a compliment she cut out the article to put in her scrapbook.  To me that was awful.  That poor girl was murdered.  Why would you think that was a compliment?!  It's just plain embarrassing what she puts on the poor kid.

Still, she wouldn't send us clothes even if we would put them on her.  She said we would purposely wreck them.  Well, I don't think you can wreck hand-me-downs but whatever.  We just don't want to deal with her bitching anymore either.  Still, I think most parents send clothes with.  We can't even expect her to send mittens and hats in the dead of winter.  We live in ND!  You have no idea how cold it gets up here.  I think thats just child abuse not to send suitable clothes for the weather out of spite.

My SD is 10 also and her taste in clothes is so scary already.  Pretty soon she won't want to wear what I pick out either because it won't show enough skin or something.  I'm dreading the day when that comes up.  I know just how you feel about not knowing what to do when she starts caring about what she wears!!  Hopefully by then she will have wised up! Ha, ha!

Stepmom74  

[stressedstepmom]

LOL We lived in South Dakota for 3 years and the big joke was always that the only place to go for more snow or cold was ND. I can completely relate with the clothes issue. Especially in those states, it snowed in June for goodness sakes while we were there!!
Our PBFH also always sends ratted clothes almost all the time. We used to always request one nice outfit for each boy because we do family pictures when they are with us or if we want to go somewhere nice. Never saw anything nice though. Always went and bought the outfits myself. My MIL spent a fortune one year on clothes for the boys because BM was crying to her on a visitation weekend that they really needed new stuff.  None of us ever saw any of that stuff again, the boys said their mom threw it all away. We also got lucky that both I am DH has large extended familes. We get a lot of hand me downs that are in really good condition. I have a trunk full of clothes here for the boys when they come to visit.
I know that BM is extremely jealous of our family. She too pulled the crap that her boys and "my" boys were only step brothers.  We put an end to that fast. She is the kind who always tells the boys that my DH divorced them all. That has been the hardest part to deal with, explaining to them that he only divorced her and that he will always be their daddy and will always love them.  
Right now I am so stressed because of the crap with her messages on OSS cell phone and her calling my cell around 5 a.m. She just won't stop. DH said he was going to call her and tell her nicely that they are fine and she needs to stop, she is only hurting them with her obsessivness. I on the other hand am looking into the near future. See I am pregnant and we haven't told the boys yet, therefore she doesn't know. I know that once she finds out it will only get worse. I am going to call the lawyer today and see what we can do about harrasment and see if the messages on OSS phone can be used in court. All we want is a nice visit with the boys which we have had so far, but without all the drama thrown into the middle of it.