The latest news on my story-- kind of long

[stepmom74]

Well, this Friday my husband called to see if he could see his daughter.  Her mother said she'd talk to her.  Later, there was a message on our machine saying she didn't want to come to our house.  

I told my husband to call back and tell her she didn't have a choice and to find out what the hell the problem was!  We have never been mean or even spanked his daughter and now she's acting like we are abusing her or something!!  We have never had her act like this towards us.

He told his daughter on the phone that he would be picking her up next weekend.  She said she didn't want to come.  He told her too bad and she's coming anyway.  He then told her goodbye and hung up.  I told him he should have talked to her mother to make sure it wouldn't be a problem so he decided to call right back.

Her mother said it would be fine, but she said that after he talked to his daughter that she hung up and started crying because she didn't want to come.  She didn't cry when she was talking to him though.  I think it was for her mom's benefit or something.

I completely don't understand the problem at all.  She has never been treated badly here and she has everything here that she has at her moms house--except for some rules, I guess.  She has just gone over the deep end and it is being blamed on me and my daughter now.  My daughter is 5. Her little sister loves her to death and the only thing I can figure is that she is totally jealous of her.  They don't even fight when they are together.  I just don't know what has gotten into her head!

The last time we had her, everything was fine.  After she got back to her mom's house all this stuff came out.  She won't even tell her mom what her problem with us is but her mom said that her counselor doesn't want my husband to bring her to her sessions anymore either.  He's only seen the counselor once and now she's making judgements against him.  She said if it upsets my SD then it's best not to have him there.  

What the hell do we do?  He has done nothing wrong and neither have me and my daughter!!  I feel like we are being blamed for something extremely serious and we have no idea what has happened.  Like I said, we have never even spanked this girl ever!!  My husband and I want to talk to her counselor too and find out what is going on.  I think this will make things worse for a while though.  Do we need to schedule time with just us to tell our side or what?

We are on the verge of giving up rights to this girl because she has went insane.  We have bent over backwards for years to make sure she felt like she was an important part of our lives including every family function, every vacation, having birthday parties for her with our sides, etc...  She calls my parents grandma and grandpa and they have always treated her like I birthed her.  That's why it hurts me so much to see her acting like this towards me and her sister.

I also wonder if its because we are having another baby in August.  Do you think she's gotten so jealous of our family that she thinks we are mean to her just to justify it or what?  She loves babies and I even took her to my doctor's appointments and she went to one of my ultrasounds so she would feel like she was a part of it.  Do you think that was wrong?  I thought she would enjoy it.  Did it make it too real for her.  Do you think she's just worried she won't be special to her dad anymore?

I don't know what to think.  I whole thing is just mind-blowing.  It has come out of nowhere and I can't believe it has blown up to the point where she's telling us she doesn't want to see us anymore.  What do we do.

Stressed to the max!!

stepmom74

[stepmom74]

Hey, I figured it out!  I knew this website would help!  I realize now that she suffers from PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome.  Her mother has been badmouthing us for years and when we talked to my SD this summer about moving in with us she freaked out.  

I'm sure she has been conditioned to think for so long that her mom can do no wrong and that her dad and I are awful.  Her mother has finally brainwashed her completely now.  I have read a couple of articles in the website and I believe we will be showing this to the counselor sometime next week.  I hope she knows what it is.  It could be damaging to us if she doesn't understand the disorder well.

I feel better now, but I know for sure her mother is psycho!  I hope we can get this to better our chances of custody.  It has just gotten out of control.

Thanks for listening.  If anybody else has had this problem, I would really like to know how to handle the situation the right way.  Any information would be appreciated by my husband and me.

Thank you,
stepmom74

[nosonew]

You also need to talk to the counselor yourselves before believing what the mother is telling your.  GOOD counselors want BOTH parents involved.  Period. End of story.  Hang it there, it most likely will only get tougher before it gets better.  And I think you are right on regarding the kids.  I am sure her mother (if PASing) is telling her she is replaceable at your home--the other kids, but of course mommy will always keep her #1.  Poor kid!

[DMcD]

Your story, sadly, sounds much like mine. Skids are teenagers now, but at the beginning, they were young. They loved their dad something fierce and BM refused to let them have any meaningful time together. Once the court orders were in place, she fought with police, took DH back to court and badmouthed him like he was the spawn of satan. Today, when I thought the skids would know better, SD made comments like, "When dad left us..." BM moved away, not DH. SD doesn't seem to remember that or, if she does, she doesn't care.

The skids treat us all (me, DH and our kids) like crap. They refuse to help around the house and act like rules of any kind are just incomprehensible. It's frustrating. I have been told over and over that being constant and supportive will get through to them. Maybe that works with some kids. Other kids (like my skids) call CPS and make false allegations because rules were enforced. I can't believe the state of the world when CPS gets involved because a child was yelled at for cutting school and doing drugs and calling it "emotional abuse".

You have a long road ahead of you, that's for sure. The one piece of advice that I can give you is this - keep out of it, for your sake and for your kids. You will drive yourself to the brink of insanity and take precious hours of your time away from your children. They love you, they like you and they appreciate what you do for them. Don't take your time away from them and throw it at a child who resents your presence, who doesn't appreciate your care and who will break your heart over and over. Treat her like you treat your own children. Don't make her "special" because that will spoil her and your kids will get the short end of the stick. If she's being nasty, deal with it - or don't. You shouldn't care. Stick her in her room until dad gets home if you have to, just don't coddle her.

It's harsh being a stepparent. If you back away from the situation as much as you can, you might even find that BM isn't quite as evil as you made her out to be. Then again....

[mango]

Absolutely DMcD! I am a step-mom and I have recently discovered that I have been "trying too hard" with my step-daughter. I hate myslef for it. I always would re-arrange holidays to "include her" and go out of my way for her love. But this year I decided (when she started showing us disrespect) I decided to live life as is. Holidays are going to go on the day they are intended, and so will family functions. If she is there she is there, but I am not breaking my neck anymore to include her all the time.

It was just making me resentful. I felt as if we (as a whole family) were liviing our lives half the time. Planningthe fun  events when she was there an not when she wasn't. Now I am just planning events when they fall upon us. My own kids are not going to get jipped out of 50% of their life because their half sister isnt with us that day or so on...

It's not appreciated anyway.

[stepmom74]

Thanks everyone.  I understand that I'm only the stepmom in her life and it isn't my job to make her love me or my ways.  There's no way I will make our lives complete by trying too hard.  That's what I've been trying to explain to my husband in the last couple of months.

It wasn't always my choice to plan things around her.  Most of the time my husband asked to get her for things and I didn't know about it until it was too late.  We almost split a few months back because he didn't understand why that made me mad.  He never once asked me if that was ok or if I had other plans in mind.  We have a daughter together that should have our undivided attention once and while too.  It's not fair for her to always have to share the fun times with someone who usually didn't want to be there anyway.

I think now he's come to realize that sometimes, no matter how fair you try to be, it's never going to be right with one of the children.  My SD is so jealous of our daughter and she has no reason to be.  My daughter, on the other hand, is the one who is losing out on the quality time between her and us.

Anyway, things have gone from bad to worse.  My husband received another phone call from his ex.  She said that she has changed her mind about us having my SD this weekend because she has relatives coming from out of state and it's her scheduled weekend anyway.  Well, we weren't granted our scheduled weekends twice now!  It's hard to understand why we can't change her schedule but she can screw with ours all the time.  I guess my SD gets away with not seeing us again.  That really proves to me that her mom is enabling her to act this way.

My husband told her that we are taking her for the rest of the month and that's supposed to start on Monday.  We'll see if that changes in the near future.  I'm sure it will.  We've tried for 3 weeks straight to see her and somehow we haven't been able to.  

I guess my SD has written my husband a nasty letter to explain the problems she has with us.  His ex said she didn't want her to send it to us but my husband said to send it anyway.  I'm quite sure it's badmouthing me and my daughter but we will just keep it to use in court, I guess.  I don't understand why she won't tell him but she can write it in a letter.  It must be nasty for her mom to say not to send it to us.  We'll have to see.

Well, I am still frustrated with her and the way she is treating my husband but I guess he will have to work it out with her.  I am not backing down when she's here, though.  She will respect me in my house and will respect my rules.  If she doesn't like it she can stay in her room for the rest of the month until she can be civil.  We haven't been cruel to her but I will not tolerate her mouthing off to me or her sister.  What my husband decides to do with her is his problem now.  I'm trying to be objective.

Thanks for all the information.

Stepmom 74