Combatting the lies, do we?

[mango]

We have been in court every 3 to 6 months by the BM doing. Just found out through a friend of mines daughter (who is friends with SD) that apparently the BM has been telling my SD that WE are the ones taking HER mom to court over and over again. But it's the BM taking us to court.

The SD said to her friend "my daddy keeps taking my mommy to court for all sorts of things."

Which is untrue!

Do we address this, or pretend we knew nothing about this lie?

Problem is we can't possible cover all the lies, all the time. How do we protect ourself against  these lies that BM comes up with? (who knows what else is being said), we almost have to leave it alone and let fate take its' run....

Is that foolish?

[Peanutsdad]

It sounds as if BM is playing victim here, and SD is suckin it up.


JMO, but I would have DH sit her down and discover who she thinks is initiating the court actions. Then tell her the truth on it.

[Kitty C.]

And the reason I do is because this is one of those occasions that you seriously have to weight the consequences of telling or not telling.....and how much damage either would cause.  Appears to me that by not saying anything, it's only going to get much worse and this could very well be PAS, too.  Telling her might give her some stress and grief initially....heck, she may even hate you or tell you YOU are lying, but the thought will be planted and she will be watching very closely from then on.  Eventually she will see who was telling the truth, but she would have had NO reason to even consider that if you don't tell her.

[oklahoma]

I agree also.  Truth is always important, but sometimes you just have to weigh whether the truth or silence would be the most damaging.

In our situation, my husband had several months to think about what he would say to his daughters about the accusations of abuse they brought against him.  He finally decided that he would not play the penitent sinner because he did nothing wrong.  It made the road a little rougher because BM was absolutely insistent that my husband admit guilt and apologize (and my SDs echoed her opinions.)  It scares me to think what would have been if they had seen their father go along with their lies in order to get through counseling faster.....

There are many other little things that BM tells my SDs.  In my inexperienced opinion, I believe my SDs will figure it all out eventually with or without our saying anything.  They are already starting to (at least OSD.)

BTW, if they ever say to me, as they did to the counselor, that their father doesn't pay his child support, I am definitely breaking out the statement from CSE--it gives the TOTAL amount paid since the order was put into place.  I'm sure $45,000+ will impress them, and they won't care if it is a little short of what is actually ordered (not much--we're working on it!)

[stepmom74]

In our situation, it doesn't matter what we've told my SD about the lies her mother has told her or the things she thinks we've done wrong.  In her eyes, her mother is a saint and nothing we say or do will change her feelings about that.  Earlier this year, we tried to explain to my SD that her mom wasn't as great as she made herself out to be.  We weren't mean or spiteful but we told her like it was.  Ever since then she has totally pushed us away because she thinks that every thing we do or say is a lie.  I suppose years of hearing your father and his wife don't have your best interest in mind like I do make it hard to know whats truth anymore.  She is so loyal to her mother that even catching her mother in a lie won't sway her opinions.  

Even though I would still tell you to explain it to the kids, don't be surprised if they still don't believe you.  We have always tried to be honest and make sure my SD knows the truth, it really doesn't register in her mind.  Maybe it's because of her age, she's 10; but in my opinion, all it's done is made things harder on us.  She doesn't want to come to our house anymore because her mom has her so brainwashed.  It's really a sad situation right now.  Anytime we say anything, her mom tells her we are trying to take her away from her mother.  I'm sure that scares the crap out of her.  She doesn't know any better.

I'm hoping some day she'll figure out the truth but I don't count on it.  I have family that went through the same thing and their kids are grown up. They still think their dad was a deadbeat but he was one of the best dad's I knew. They never realized just how good a father he was, and probably never will.  I think it's truly a sad story.

I hope your situation turns out better than ours!  Good luck

[MixedBag]

In DH's case, BM says the same thing....that Dad keeps taking her back to court for no reason.

Yep, Dad keeps taking her to court because she doesn't comply with the orders that have been put in place.

So when the kids bring it up, we (and yes sometimes I help) get them to think it through on their own and let them come to their own conclusions.  

And yes, they've read bits and pieces of the orders because that's whats in black and white, signed by the judge.  I say bits and pieces because they don't need to read the financial stuff, just the stuff that pertains to them.

I think a lot of it depends on age and how much physical stuff you can show the kids to see who is telling the truth and who is blowing smoke.