SS only wants what he can get out of us.

[Wi-Mom]

My DH's 14 y/o son came to live with us a year ago. From day one it became apparent to me that he was here because he thought he'd get a lot more money spent on him then his mother did.

And we did... he got the first bed he'd ever had. She has three daughters.. three different fathers.. and he's always had to sleep on the couch everywhere they lived. He never got birthday parties.. and last September with us we did what my family does for everyone's birthday.. we throw a big party at our favorite Itallion Restaurant... then he and my three kids and a neighbor had a party at Gameworks.. a place where you can play all the video games you want for three hours. He was in heaven.

Since then, His mother is doing all she can to get as much money as she can out of DH.. and since one of her daughter's is his she still get's an offset from him.. plus she got CSE to dig up some hidden arrears out of the blue. We don't have the money to spend on him what he thought we would.. and now he wants to go back to his mother.

The reason? His mother just moved AGAIN for the 6th time in the last year... and he happens to know this town has the worst school basketball team .. and he wants to go there so he can be the best player. So he sat there the other day after just getting off the phone with his mother.. and announced  to his father that he wanted to go back home to his mother. Naturally, DH was devastated.

SS was unemotional.. and insistant. He wants to go home. Period.

During the conversation, he asked when would be the next time he gets to go see his mother.. and DH said, "The weekend of your birthday.. you're spending with your mother."

SS replied.. "WHAT?????" Absolutely FLIPPING out! "NO WAY!! I want to be HERE for my birthday!!!" He said Yelling.

I immediately pointed out that what he was saying was that he only wanted to be here because we will give him a better birthday then he will get with his mother.. but besides that.. he wants out. He realized his error and just said,  "Forget it. It doesn't matter anyway. Nevermind" and that was it.

So now his birthday is coming up on Sunday... and I have absolutely no desire to acknowledge it at all... but honestly I don't know what to do. There needs to be consequences.. but what? And how severe? His mother isn't available this weekend she's got plans so he can't go see her until the following weekend. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks!

[Kitty C.]

I'd still acknowledge his birthday, but I'd make it low-key.  DS does the teenage crap on DH and me all the time, backtracking on what he's said because he realizes he's been 'caught'.  one thing to look for, tho.  He will still keep trying, he will talk about going to his mom's again (for now I think he realizes that his intentions are known, so he'll wait when he 'thinks' you've 'forgotten'), so bring up the same kind of scenario.  Like if it's before Christmas, tell him he'll be spending Christmas there as well.

Remember, this is NOT bribery, but getting HIM to face the coersion he's trying to pull on you, and his motives as well.  Then cut the number of presents in half.  Just enough to make it 'worth his while' (so to speak), but not as much as he might be used to getting.  Know what I mean?

SS has this 'thing' about having the 'trappings' of everything he's involved in.  He's in a youth tackle football league this season and forced his mother to buy him ALL the 'right stuff', including pads that serve no useful purpose for the kind of game they play, just slide down the arms and get in the way.  I saw one kid with them on Sun. and he ended up ripping them off and throwing them to the ref.  To SS, it's all about 'presence' and how good he looks.  He had to have his OWN batting helmet this year, along with TWO batting gloves and a belt, even tho the pants didn't even have loops.  All brand new too, even tho we have a 'Play It Again Sports' (second-hand) store with a lot of great stuff in it.   Luckily, PBFH was smart enough NOT to ask us for the additional money for all this stuff.  Because I would have told her a flat out NO.  It's not stopping him from playing and the majority of it was only for show.  SS has developed too much of a swagger, because his self-esteem has taken such a beating from BM badmouthing DH and I to him, that he's trying to pump himself up and make himself 'look cool'.  I'm almost afraid of what's going to happen when he gets into middle school next year and when the hormones hit.........  

[Wi-Mom]

It's almost scary!! He's exactly the same!!!

What's killing me is those arrears we just paid to his mother. I wrote all about it on another post.. but the short story is that she decided to go to CSE and asked them if she could get any more money out of DH because if not she'd have to sign up for medicaid.. and other stuff they fund. They very gladly went over DH's records from 2000, 2001, & 2002 and miraculously found that he'd underpaid her $1800.00!! Then they sent him a letter saying he had a lien on all property, can't buy, sell or borrow in the state of Wisconsin until this has been paid.

DH called ex-wife and told her that she knew as well as he did that he didn't owe this money.. her reply was, "Hey.. what am I supposed to do about it?" He said, "Decline it! or send it back!" She said, "You don't understand, YOU make twice as much money than I do!" DH replied, "I had to cancel our son's braces because of this. He's had four teeth pulled already to make room for it.. and I've had to cancel all his appointments." So she says, "Well how badly does he need braces anyway." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THE KID HAS FANGS LIKE A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!

So.. anyway... we sent the full amount to WI child support on Saturday so she'll get a nice check in the mail that SHE doesn't deserve. She's literally stealing from DH. SS wants an expensive pair of basketball shoes that we told him he couldn't have.... he doesn't need them for what they cost...

Yesterday he's on the phone with his mom.. I hear her apologize to him for keeping the arrears money that kept him from getting braces.. I hear him say.. "oh that's ok Mom.. It doesn't matter.. I don't need them.. when I come up there you can take me shopping for my birthday... how about that? You can get me those basketball shoes Dad won't buy me."

HE KNOWS HOW UPSET HIS DAD IS ABOUT THE BRACES!!!!

[Ref]

I guess he will learn his lesson some day.  When he is an adult and has to walk around with braces he is really gunna regret it.

SD is the same way as your boys. She went to tennis lessons this summer. DH took her to practice, so I never got to see the other kids. I asked SD when we were out if she needed an outfit for it or anything. She told me that all the girls wore those cute tennis skirt outfits.

I asked Dh and he laughed. All the girls wore sweatshort and tshirts.

Little manipulating buggers. Gotta keep an eye on them cause they are tricky at this age. Good thing I love her so much.

Sorry to hear about your PB problem. I just keep thinking that dealing with mine wont last forever, at least not this much. It helps me to get through the craziness.

[Kitty C.]

I told DS a LONG time ago 'I will get you the necessities, but if you want anything above and beyond that, you will have to work to earn the money for it yourself.'  We went tennis shoe shopping before school and they just happened to have some on clearance.  He wanted a pair of Vans at $60 a pair, while the $20 clearance pair fit just fine.  When I told him when he earned the extra $40, he could have the Vans, 'suddenly' he changed his mind, the $20 pair 'seemed' to fit better!

It's all 'gimme, gimme, gimme', and tho I love SS with all my heart, he's REALLY bad at that.  Back when SS was about 6-7 and we had him for Easter weekend, he asked me that Sat. if the Easter bunny was coming the next day. I thought this was a good opportunity, so I told him that the Easter bunny doesn't come to our house.  As a matter of fact, I have NEVER given DS candy, toys, or a basket at Easter.  Then I asked SS why we celebrated Easter and he said 'Because it's God's birthday?'  He said it in a question.  He had NO clue.  And try explaining it to a child who's had NO exposure to it before...I still don't think he really understands.  The holiday, up to that point, only meant candy and toys to him.  Would you believe that PBFH and SF STILL go out on X-mas Eve and try to make it look like Santa landed with his sleigh????  That's just pain whacked!

But then you have to understand, I have 'difficulties' with the secular side of religious holidays.

And tho we've NEVER had SS for Halloween (and probably won't, since our town usually has the trick-or-treating night on the Thurs. before), to tell you the truth, I'm glad we don't.  What he wants, PBFH gives him, including what he wants to eat.  And if she says no, he wears her down till she gets pissed or gives up in frustration and just gives it to him just to shut him up.  He knows WAY better then to try to pull that with us!  

The scariest part is yet to come.  Hormones are on the verge of erupting and all the 'enticements' of drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol.  I pray to God it doesn't happen, but it really wouldn't surprise me if he got involved with it eventually......to make him look 'cool'.

[wendl]

lol my son is 12, he plays baseball and every two years I he gets a completely NEW catchers gear, pads, helmet etc, the only reason is
Luckily he usually gets the new gear from family for his birthday (thankfully cuz I couldn't get it all, he goes thru two pairs of cleats during baseball as by the end of the  season they ar to small and he needs good ones for allstars and tournies.

However this year he is playing football, he wanted me to get him all this stuff, he wanted new pants, cleats, chin guard, gloves, underarmor shirt.

Well the league provides, most everything, so I said he could get EITHER the gloves or teh underarmor shirt. He got the gloves.

I can't see spending a ton on a sport that I am not sure if he is gonna like or not, now with basbeball its a little different he has played since he was 3 and that is his passion and he works for the gear or gets them for birthday gifts.

But yea he always is trying to get me to buy him stuff he doesn't NEED, I simply say GO MOW SOME LAWNS for money, I am not getting such and such for you.

:)
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**