Aplogy was a bad idea... (long vent)

[teakae]

I just want to vent and get some sympathy.
I have had it with my boyfriend's ex.
Couple of weeks ago, when the kids were with us, she showes up unannounced saying that she came over to drop off the kids shoes. (The kids were dropped off that morning on the way to her work at 5am in their pj's with no shoes) It was a nice day and we had our front door open so she walks right in and and takes one look at the living room floor littered with new shoes and shoe boxes (We had taken them shoe shopping that morning) and calls the kids to get out. We were in our swimsuits getting ready to go to the beach and were putting on sunscreen on our backs. Kids drop everything and follow her out and my boyfriend follows them out to see what is going on. The older boy then asks me to get something that he left in my car so I walk out. My boyfriend is telling her to please call ahead in the future and that he would now like her to leave. I interject and say that "Yes I would like you to leave. You are bothering us" She turns to me and says "Excuse ME! I am THEIR MOTHER! I have every RIGHT to be here, YOU DON'T have any right to feel bothered!" I decide to ignore her and go to my car. She follows me to my car and continues yelling. I shake my head and go back inside. As I looked back towards the car, she was forcing the boy to hug and kiss her (he was visibly pushing away and making a face) and telling him how she will come pick him up tomorrow to take him away from this terrible place with all the aruguing.

Anyway, below is her reply to my apology....  

----HACKal Message-----
From: s
To: d
Subject: Re: Apology.(T)

T:

  I think you need to apologise about alot of your actions. But that is in the past. And you are right about that, you have no business getting in the middle of any of it at all because it does not concern you in the least. And i have never taken the kids from D. Yes i came and got the kids when i found out that D was at work and he left them with you, that is because i never agreed for you to watch my children. You have only heard the things that D has told you, But i can guarantee he has not said a word about any of things that he has pulled on me. But for your information i did not steal my kids, they are my kids and if i do not want them to be in your care with out D i have every right to come and get them. And while we are on the subject and D talked to you about it, I have a few things to say to you. One I do not want you making fun of my kids any more when they are throwing a tantrum, that is what kids do when they dont get thier own way, but one thing that they dont need is someone making fun of them while they are doing that, beccause then the one who is acting childish is you.
Number two: There will be no more name calling to my children from you, that was uncalled for and not neccesary in the least. My son has enough anger issues without you adding to it.
Number three: You have no right to say anything bad about me at all whether it be to the kids or to D, You and D are the ones that have caused all the heartache and trauma in the last two years not me.
There are things that i have said and i will not apologise for any of it, because i have every right to say what i have said. One of these days you will be in the same position as me and you will know exactly how it feels. I will accept your apology this one time, but you both say that i am the one who does not have any self control nor do i know how to act out in public, or i dont have any common sense, But i think you both need to look at yourselves on those issues. And also on the last issue. You said i was bothering you that day, There is something that you need to accept and that is the fact that i am not going anywhere. I moved down here because that is what Wanted, I dont come over there to talk to you or to even look at you, I come over there to see my kids and or to talk to D. So if i bother you so much then that is your problem and that is something that you need to deal with on your own time not on my childrens time with thier dad.
>
> From:
> To: "S"
> Subject: Apology.
>
> Hello S
>
>  I am writing today from D's e-mail to apologize to you for the other day
> when you came to drop the kids' shoes off.  When you showed up the first thing
> that came to my head was that you were coming to take the kids back from D
> and that he will be upset again. That was totally untrue and even if it was, it
> was not my place to speak to you.  I understand your concern that the kids do
> not need to be exposed to any of that. Actually right after you left, I spoke to
> D and the kids that I probably shouldn't have said anything and that I
> thought I behaved very poorly. I also pointed out that that they (the kids)
> already know better than to talk back to their mommy. The kids nodded their
> heads gravely and agreed. Anyway, for all future interactions, I will make sure
> to just slip away so that you can conduct your business with D or the kids as
> you need to.  D also told me that you were very civil and did not call me any
> names during your conversation about this with him even though you were very
> angry. I appreciate that and I will also promise you that I will never call you
> names or say anything bad about you in the presence of the kids.
>
> T

[joni]

she has no right to take those kids away, for any reason, during the dad's parenting time....even if you're babysitting.  as long as the children are not endangered, dad can have whoever he wants babysitting them.

obviously, this whole issue is about control.

I would bring her up on contempt the next time she ends a visitation early.  but be careful, are you staying overnight when the kids are there?  she could end that very quickly for you as retaliation.

[junglechicken]

1.  Where you live - did she live there before?  If so, she may be feeling like it's still her house, those are her kids, therefore, she can go where she pleases, when she pleases.

2.  She's wrong about what you have the "right" to feel.  You have the right to feel anything you want to.

3.  She still feels superior to you, like you're doing all the wrong, and that she has nothing to apologize for.  Trying to apologize to or reason with a person like that is futile.  Until she can acknowledge that she plays her part in any dissention, there's no point trying to communicate with her.

4.  Your bf needs to set some rules with her.  Unless you and he are both ok with bm dropping by whenever she wants, he needs to have a chat with her about common courtesy re calling before showing up, having set times to come over, etc.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and if she won't abide by those boundaries, he should do the same thing to her.  Conversely, if he sets those rules and she follows them, he needs to as well.

She has some points, but she taints them with her "I can feel/do/act/say what and how I desire, but you do not have the same right" approach.  Someone needs to boot her off her gilded throne.

[Stepmomnow]

Actually, I thought your appology was very nice.  And I think you scored some big points.  Her poor behavior is a victory for you.

My DH ex is much like yours; she is terrified of me and her own insecurities (that ss might love me more than her) makes her try to push me out of ss's life as much as possible.  The way I think of it is every time she behaves badly, that is one more piece of evidence to put in front of a court regarding her instability.  And one more piece of evidence ss will eventially weigh when deciding which home is better for him to live in.

I would suggest that you boyfriend needs to step in at this point.  If he has joint custody, he has the authority to designate anyone he choises to watch his children.  If he allows ex to dictate to him who she will allow to watch the kids, he will lead a truely miserable life.  He must grow some stones, draw a line and tell her that what happens at his house is his business, not hers and that if he choses to leave his kids with you , and she ever interfers again, he will take her to court for contempt.  He does not have to seek her "agreement" regarding who will spend time with his children.  (I would also have had a huge problem with ex stepping foot in my house, but that is me)

If your boyfriend is not willing to draw that line, you need to think seriously about continuing with the relationship. (yes, I know this is strong)  If he cannot stand up to her now, your life will be hell, with you trying to get him to keep him boundries with her and him blaiming you for "interferring".

Just my take on it.

[teakae]

Thanks for your reply.
My boyfriend has drawn the line, numerous times, many many sessions of explaining, asking, pleading, as well as yelling, arguing and demanding ultimatiums. We have called the police numerous times as well as DCF on occaision. The main reason that I decided to write the apology in the first place was because she was unwilling to acknowledge that she should not be showing up unannounced because she was so stuck on "your little girlfriend needs to keep her mouth shut!"  Finally my boyfriend did tell her that I will keep my mouth shut and she agreed to call before showing up but the very next week, there she is again. There is just no reasoning with her.

   Since then things have continued to go downhill. She is withholding visitation and hurting the kids in terrible ways including PAS all the way.  But of course it is all my boyfriends and his whore's fault for ruining her life. We have lawyers working on it but still have a long way to go until custody is decided and the situation with her and the kids is putting a lot of strain on our relationship.

Yes, the babysitter issue was another huge argument. It is OK with her if SHE uses babysitters even if the father is available and wants to watch the kids and of course, HE pays for it too.

My boyfriend lives in his own apartment and she has never lived there. He always calls before going over to her place. When she lets him see the kids, she will only let them go as far as the yard to talk to him.  

Some of the other things she has done, I posted under Custody Issues as a reply to a post "Can my fiance win custody??"

Now I that I have seen the daily emotional abuse she puts the kids through, I feel extremely protective of the kids and can't stand the unfairness of what they are put through. Perhaps I should be staying out of it altogether and let them work it out. It is hard to explain because it is not that I love these kids and I really don't care if they like me or not but I DO care about them. I want to do everything I can for these kids, not just because they are my boyfriends kids but because I hate what their mom is doing to them. I don't know, maybe I am overstepping my bounds. But I don't see how my boyfriend could be more firm with her. Everything he has done trying to set boundaries with her have been turned right around and taken out on the kids.

I just hope that it is made clear to the judge or who ever is making the decision and she gets what she deserves.

[KAT]

Next time this happens; don't say a word to her just get on the phone and call the police. It sounds like it's time to play by the rules & only the rules be it criminal charges or motions in civil court. As you can tell, the talks, the arguing  trying to reason isn't working.  I don't give a cat's hair if these are her children she has no right to invade your privacy that way and it's also criminal breaking & entering. Betcha' don't leave your front door open anymore right? Is that a way to live? NO. Women such as his ex  PRACTICE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR simply because they want to light your fire. And when I say practice, they are usually experts since they've been manipulating people since the cradle.  Refusing to communicate usually extinguishes this flame. Once she finds out that her behavior is making her lose in court she could possibly change her tune or be looking at a custody change to the more accomodating parent. Let her sink her own ship.....don't say a word, do not e-mail NOTHING!!!  just do what the courts want by filing charges & motions. There is a set visitation schedule follow it & if she doesn't comply request that the police make a report (as evidience for court).  You & your fiancé can only come out smelling like roses thru all this bullcrap...and with any luck, biohag will burn up in the flame of her own making.
KAT   

[Kitty C.]

I agree.........if PBFH came onto MY property, after being told to stay OFF of it, I'd have her brought up on criminal trespass charges so fast, it would make her head swim.  All the while, if she bitches about HER kids and that I have to 'stay out of it', I'll remind her that HER stepping on MY property (when she's been told not to) has nothing to do with the kids, it's only between her and me.

PBFH's like this can't understand any other language.  They love to hear themselves talk and are so self-centered that they cannot even begin to comprehend anything beyond themselves.  And if you give them an inch, they'll take a thousand miles.  If you don't lower the boom in regards to trespass and violations of privacy, they will see it as an open invitation to continue with impunity.  So you have to stop them dead in their tracks EVERY TIME.

[annas mom]

I think your apology was very nicely worded...and kudos to you for taking the high road.
Now...that said, I'm going to play devil's advocate here....

Truth be told, she does have a somewhat valid point. Ultimately, they are her kids and your boyfriends' kids...you are not even a player in the game. You should stay out of the way when it comes to issues about the kids. I know how you feel, trust me, I love my boyfriends' kids to death, but they are not my children and until we get married I HAVE NO SAY SO IN THEIR LIVES. If we decided to break  up tomorrow, it's possible that I would never see the kids again, so until I am legally 'stepmom' I refuse to fuel the fire between him and his ex. All your involvement does is give them something else to argue about. Tell your boyfriend he needs to learn to stand up to her. They need to come to some kind of understanding now between the two of them, so that when the 2 of you get married maybe she will be able to accept your role as 'stepmom' in her children's lives. You never know...down the road your boyfriend's ex may be able to communicate with you more effectively than she does with him. When I was growing up my mom dealt with my stepmom much better than she did with my dad...must be a woman thing.

Good luck to you!